New spouse here

[Ginet]

Hi Sandi. These fine quitters speak the truth. Your husband just won't be ready until he is ready. I like the idea of the letter that Tuco suggested. Write from your heart without judgement or anger, demands or ultimatums. The minute it becomes anything else, you will engage the defensive addict in him. You probably understand that because as you said, you had once smoked and can probably remember how it felt to have someone begin to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. It just doesn't work.

Give him time to understand your point of view and to evaluate his situation. I know that I used nicotine as comfort when I was stressed, sad or nervous and I can understand that he may have the same feelings now while dealing with his father. He isn't blind. He sees what can happen. He is an addict and until he wants to quit, he won't.

Any one of these hands held out will help him when he is ready. We also won't walk away from you.

Congrats on your quit! Celebrate you and your freedom. Live as an example to him. Check your upper right corner. I am sending you my contact information. I am an addict like you and your husband, living with an active using addict myself. I understand your frustration and don't want you to feel alone in this.

I'll be here quitting like a girl with you.
Lady G

[eyehatecope]

Prayers for you and your husband. That he can find the will to quit deep inside and you can find comfort and peace that he did.

Prayers sent during the treatments he is having to face.

[pab1964]

Sandi its truly sad to watch someone poison themselve daily but I will echo what all these quitters have said, until he's ready he will not stop. My advice is write down ktc on a card and keep it somewhere that he looks everyday with an explanation of what it is and leave it there. From time to time a dipper truly gets sick of dip and hunts a way out but has no where to turn so eventually they just give up and start back. I wish you well but mostly I hope your husband decides to give us a chance, we will help him achieve a new life as each one of us are experiencing! Talk to him and don't give up! You're a damn good woman, my wife wouldn't dare talk to a bunch of strange people on my behalf, that's awesome, no that's true love!

[Thumblewort]

Sandi, he can only quit when HE wants do, sad but true. I tried to quit for my kids, my wife, my mom 20-30 times over 17 years, it never worked. It wasn't until I became disgusted with myself that I quit. I'd be happy to talk to him, but until the day comes he quits for himself I'm not sure what can be done. I wish you nothing but quit for your husband, and congrats on your fine quit!

[Steakbomb18]

I read this post and had one reaction...it's not about what you want, it's about what he wants. Then Tuco and Coping nailed it with some quit gospel around quitting for yourself. Wt, who basically was your spouse goes to show that he quit because that's what he wanted. The problem is, when you quit for a reason other than yourself, we usually end up failing. You need to love yourself more than you love nicotine...and when you quit for yourself, everyone else around you reaps the benefits.

This is how we all did it...we got to a point in our lives where there was nothing else more important than being quit. When we quit for ourselves, our spouses, children, family and friends all reap the benefits of us being quit.

My recommendation...introduce him to the site. Have him read intros and information. He's not alone, we've all been there.

[Wt57]

I wish I could say something that would be comforting or something that would help cause your hubby to quit. But I probably can't. I dipped and swallowed it for over 40 years and finally quit after I realized I was a total pussy slave to the poison.
I'm going to share a story that is still very tender to me: My friend Jay died 3 days ago. He had dipped Copenhagen for 40 years and also swallowed. He was diagnosed with stomach cancer 2 months ago.

[copingwithoutcopen]

Welcome Sandi,

I feel terrible for what your going through but you definitely don't have to go through it alone. The chat room here is always open and there are lots of folks who know your struggle. I wish there were a way to lighten the burden more then moral support. I'm continuously amazed by nicotine's strength over it's captive. It's one hellova strong pull and I remember it well.

Tuco's wise beyond his years... A quitter has to be ready. It's also possible your husband will never be ready. Given all you've both been through and the fact he's still using, it becomes a real possibility. It's ultimately his decision. At some point you have to ask yourself if you want his final days to be riddled with guilt or full of love. It's a fine line.

Love, pride and fear drive many of us to try and stick around as long as possible. Those are your tools and there's plenty of each in the words you've written above. What motivates him? It sounds like your husband still has some fight in him. Try and capitalize on that, too.

For a long time, I had a boat load of excuses and rationalizations for why it was ok to possibly shorten my lifespan. We all did. It was all just addict talk and a bunch of bunk. When our motivation to quit is louder then the addict talk, we quit. The fact there are thousands of people here who understand and have been successful may help, too.

I have no doubt quitting tobacco increases our time here. Whether that is measured in years or days doesn't much matter, more is better. At the end of the day, what's important is how we're remembered to those we care about.

In any case, I hope he joins us but if not, I hope you both find peace with that. Please keep us informed of your journey and shout if there's anything we can do. Sometimes just writing it all down can be helpful.

[Tuco]

I can definitely sympathize with what you're saying and where you're coming from. The thing you have to understand is that your husband is an addict. This isn't a habit, it's an addiction. That's what keeps him going through two cans a day while he presumably watches his dad die a slow, painful death as a result of dipping.

Ultimately, it will be up to your husband to decide when he's finally had enough. No amount of nagging, pleading, or threatening will make him quit. He has to want it for himself. That's the bad news. The good news is that once he feels like he has arrived at a place where he knows he wants to quit, but either doesn't know how or is scared of what that means, that's where we can help.

My advice to you is twofold:

1) Write your husband a letter. Tell him exactly what sort of impact his nicotine addiction is having on you and your family. Tell him your fears. Tell him what you told us - that you want him around for years to come. Don't threaten or nag. Just be direct and honest.

2) Tell him to come here and poke around when and if he decides he wants to quit. Have him get in touch with me directly, and I'd be more than happy to get him pointed in the right direction in terms of posting roll, jumping in with his new quit group, and getting engaged with his fellow quit brothers on here. If your husband is a man of his word and is willing to take his quit one day at a time, this place will absolutely help him to save his own life.

Finally, you're a good wife. No matter what, he should feel proud and humbled to have someone that cares as deeply for him as you do. I hope for his sake and yours that he gets done with being a slave to weed sooner rather than later.

[svofcols]

hi! Found you quite by accident but am thrilled that I have. I am married to a 2 can a day Copenhagen dipper who does not spit but instead swallows that crap 'bang head' . He started this disgusting habit when wrestling in High School 30 + yrs ago and being unable to spit.

My FIL is fighting stage 4 oral squamous cell cancer in his throat due to years of Skoal. He has undergone 2 rounds of chemo and 1 round of radiation. He has less than 12 months. Does this make my idiot stop this garbage? NO.

I understand, I really do. I quit a pack a day 20+ yr cigarette habit when our first grandbaby was born 8 yrs ago, so I know it is tough but I also know it can be done. I am going out of my gourd trying NOT to nag,trying not to be a witch but it is so hard. I love my DH so much and want him for yrs to come. How do I help him?

Frustrated!

Sandi