11 years old.
That's how old I was the first time my childhood best friend and I stole a Newport cigarette from his mom's purse. I'll never forget that first time out in the woods in our neighbor's shed, lighting up under the hot tin roof.
I just had my 29th birthday. In less than 12 months, I'll be 30.
For nearly 2/3 of my life, nicotine has been there; like an annoying, hungry ghost that needs to be fed. I've had many stretches of smoking, and quitting over the years. (I've dabbled with dip, a few times. rationalizing that would help me stop smoking.) But that familiar hook snag always seems to get it's grip in me when I'm at an emotional low.
The most recent quit, I didn't even make it a year. In September 2011, I started taking post-baccalaureate classes in the evenings while working during the day. Most week nights, I'd leave the house by 7:30, and I wouldn't be home until almost mid-night. Long days, coupled with large amounts of stress created the perfect storm to grab hold of a familiar habit.
In February of 2012, my girlfriend and I moved into a new apartment. After we got settled, it seemed like the perfect time to make some changes. My sister's boyfriend told me about the electronic cigarette (e-cig), and said it really worked for him. I decided to give it a try.
That was in March of last year. Since then, I've been buying these cartridges on the internet at roughly 2 bucks a pop. I started thinking to myself, "Wow, this is great! I can have nicotine, and not get all those harmful chemicals from cigarettes." All the while, my girlfriend would give me a positive, but realistic perspective: "You know, Jeff, it's great that you quit smoking, but eventually I'd like to see you give this thing up too. It's only suppose to an aid to your quit." At first, I would just brush it off, content on puffing on my e-cig until the end of my days. But she stayed persistant. I got mad, but eventually started to think about her words.
Months later, my good friend (practically brother - who introduced me to the board), decided it was time for him to give up dip after a 20 year stint (adam1974, keep up the good fighter, brother). He started telling me about this site. At our weekly game night, he would give me updates on his progress, and insights into the process. Well, needless to say, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. He's well past his 100 day mark (so proud of him), and going strong.
I began to realize this was an addiction that was controlling my life, and started to get upset with myself about the whole deal. I've always prided myself on being self-reliant, and I sure as hell wasn't being that.
But, because of a close friend's persistant voice and support of my girlfriend, I began to realize we can't do it all on our own. And we don't have to.
I think I've failed in the past, because rather than reaching out to someone, to a community that could relate, I would draw back into myself and give into the familiar voice: "Just one will take the edge off." Not this time.
So here I am.
The last 11 days have been tough. My biggest withdrawal battle has been dealing with depression and anxiety - two demons I've fought throughout my life. That voice was strong at first: "You can end all this misery by running out to the store and grabbing an e-cig. Nicotine will cure it all, take the pain away."
But I've started to replace that old voice with a new voice: "It's OK to feel like crap. And it's OK to need help from others. One day at a time. You can do this."
I feel confident that a little friendly support, and self-compassion is the key. I think this is the recipe for success I've been looking for. I have faith in that.
Today is Day 11 without nicotine. Today, I have my life the way I see it, without nicotine. I'll worry about Day 12 tomorrow.
In this moment, I'm quit.
Thanks for reading, and being part of this process!