I found KTC at about 3:30 AM while I couldn't sleep. I was 9 days quit and crawling the walls. Even though I was desperate for help, I waded into the KTC waters very reluctantly...like I was better than the poor folks who have to use this site. It was stupid. I thought the whole "posting roll" deal was hokey. I was a "light dipper" (that is what I told myself) And I'm in control. I could quit anytime I wanted, right? I knew some day I would, just not today...not yet. Not until _________ (fill in the blank). Sound familiar?
That is the way I had lived since college. Now I'm 40 with a beautiful wife, 2 kids, great law practice...and an addiction for which I almost traded it all. I knew I shouldn't start dipping way back in HS. I planned to quit when I graduated college. Then I was sure I would quit after law school...then the bar exam...then starting work...then marriage (I hid dipping from my wife while we were dating)...then child...for sure, I'm quitting...then second...then first child asking "Daddy, what are you eating?" I still told myself I was in control despite 20 years of reluctantly using NIC!!!
I would even set a quit dates...like New Years, or my birthday, when we bought a house, etc. I always felt guilty about dipping, and setting quit dates made me feel better. I would rationalize that it was okay to dip right now because I was going to be quitting in ___ days anyway, right? (how many folks start their introductions that way?) I knew it was a big deal. I secretly was scared to death about continuing to dip. I knew it was life-threatening and yet I continued to do it.
Then 9/11 came along. I had just mowed the lawn...I always dipped while mowing. I came in to cool off and I flicked on the TV and saw one of those "victims of 9/11 shows." I hated those shows...I didn't want to see somebody's else's misery. They interviewed a woman's kids about making it through life with no father...no dad to throw the baseball, talk about girls, etc. The little guy's mother was choking back tears explaining how difficlut the last 10 years have been with school. How in an instant on a cool September morning her life changed.
I had tears in my eyes and a FUCKING DIP IN MY MOUTH!!!
That was it for me. I spit it out. I knew that was my last dip...ever! I didn't know how I would stay quit, but I was goddamned determine to do it. Nine days later, I found this site. I'd quit plenty of times before. I had tried seeds, the fake stuff, anything I could. None of that shit worked until two things happened:
1) I got serious
2) I found you guys
I quit cold turkey. I was crushed by the fog...embraced the suck...(posted roll even when I was too cool to do it at first) and now I'm posting my 100 Day (101 actually) HoF Speech. But, I'm not going anywhere...I'll be posting roll in the quit groups page.
I hope this helps someone else. I want to thank the Kern family...they saved me as much as the 9/11 show. I also want to thank the 9/11 families for waking my ass us to what I was in store for me. And, most importantly, the moderators and the normal everyday folks like me on this site. The exchange of mutual promises everyday is the key...I'm here for everyone on this site, and I'm also counting on you. I'm living NIC free thanks to you!!!
Stay quit, brothers and sisters. Stay quit!!!
