I'm extremely happy that I've made it 100 days without tobacco. I realize that it's a small amount of time compared to the amount that I was an user, but a major accomplishment, nonetheless, since i was a pathetic loser, dip fiend, who was close to 2 tins a day when I stopped.
I came onto this site very auspiciously, one Sunday afternoon, just happened to be bored -- I was afterall, 13 days into my "quit". I was using nicotine gum sparingly at the time, but mentally I was still feeling strong about my quit -- it was different this time, I was using the gum graft surgery as a springboard to quitting for good. Although I was an addict, even I kinda knew that this was probably the last opportunity I had to quit, since I was basically resigned to the fact that I was never going to able to give up this addiction.
This from a guy, a few months back had someone from his office waiting in the bathroom to take a piss for him to fake an insurance exam. Didn't even think about possibly trying to quit for a week. That was unheard of, wasn't going to try, wasn't even going to think about it.
So I registered on this site, and proceeded somewhat cautiously for the first few hours. What the hell were quit groups? What is a brotherhood? A chat room? Wasn't the last chat room I was in on AOL in 1998?
I have the attention span of a 2-year old, so I didn't do all that much close reading and I posted up roll in June, saying I was 13 days quit or something like that. I don't remember how it happened, but shortly thereafter I musta mentioned that I was using the nic gum and all hell broke loose. Guys on here started typing stuff like I better know what I am doing, do I have a real quit plan, etc, but I quickly understood that cold turkey was the way to go.
Like I said, mentally I felt OK, so I figured, fuck no problem, dump all that shit, go with the flow here, and so I reposted in July explaining that I "was" in June (all of 1 hour) and now I was "back" to day 1...well you can imagine what went on here..all hell broke loose again - people thought I was caver, I was letting my June brothers down...and I started getting a little hostile.
You've seen it before on here, guys get called out, they get defensive and many of them just never really seem to grasp that when they get called out on shit it's because people care, people want to see you do things the "right" way.
Well I manned up. I took everyone's advice and I understood what was going on, even though I did explain what happned. And then I realized, fuck, perfect strangers e-mailing me advice, apologizing, checking on me. Holy shit. And then I read about the accountability aspect of it. And I realized just exactly what roll call really was.
Well the next 5 days were pure hell. Physical hell. Sick to no end. Gee, I guess that nicotine gum really does do something, huh?
My quit is strong. But I'll tell you what, this is a fact, without this site, I'd be back dipping, I know it. I'm just too much of a mental case where something wouldn't have driven me back. There's been times where I've been close, and I did what I need to, reach out to someone on here. Whether by text, or in chat, even if it was a desperate cry out for attention, it worked. Plus I know that if I cave I would be letting down alot of people, and as weird as that sounds, it's true, it keeps me from dipping.
That's why I have never missed a roll call. Never. Sorry guys, I find almost any excuse, just that, an excuse. To me this is like breathing, you don't forget to do that. You don't forget to take a shit, to brush your teeth, to go to work, whatever, so the first I do in the morning is roll downstairs and do it. That's just what works for me.
I don't know if I will ever have the committment, or the energy, or time to be one of those people on here who can be an inspirational source to other quitters. I have tried my hardest to be vocal on here, I mean shit, 600+ posts in a little over 3 months? Surely, most of them have been diabolical and cuss-filled, but I do try and help other guys. I'm a pain in the ass for texting guys when they forget to post roll.
Anyway this is becoming to much about me. I hate that. I'm happy I am quit, I am grateful for this site, and thankful for all that have been helpful to me.
I really hope my July brothers stay strong. I hate to call out a few of you separately, but I do want to give props to Dean and Cubs, they help to keep July going, and to WayneBo and Mark who were in my original quit group. The rest of you guys, some I talk to more than others but I do look out for you guys all the time.
I do want to shout out to a few other people..
Jon JP Crew - a good friend from the beginning, always checks up on me, has talked me off the ledge a few times.
Rkymtnman/Jeff - another dude who PM'ed me early on and also checks up on me and is a good friend to July. I like what he writes.
Brent/NMC - another good friend from the beginning. Its guys like this that keep my accountability strong.
Ray/Bearattack - a true whack job, but keeps me accountable from a different persepective. Me and him have talked about all kinds of shit and I have determined that we are equally certifiable.
Dave Kodiak Killer –this former July brother, fucking man’d up like no other. Fucking faggot caved, came back the next day like a man, took it up the ass like a woman, and humbly went onto August. Stayed close to the site ever since. Dude, you sir, are hardcore.
Mikey Blueclaw – Now see, here’s a guy, that may not post up all kinds of advice and stuff but he makes an effort to stay involved, I met this fellow Jersey dude in chat one day, and he took it upon himself to get my number and we’ve kept in touch. He’s been better at it than me, but every once in a while I get a text from him and he asks how everything is going and this SOB has his own struggles yet checks on me.
JPine - another nut job, but he has made chat fun. I can always count on that guy to make me laugh or want to kill him or someone else, but he's actually a real good guy who is an especially hardcore quitter.
Of course there is a million other guys. Hoss was a good friend at the beginning made me want to come to chat. Showed me a picture of his fiance's boobies, i mean, c'mon. Chewie has been a great leader from the beginning. Lance great guy to chat with. skoal monster has great advice for us Julyers. A collective thank you to the long time Vets I am not naming. Just know that I appreciate all of you and when you post up in our quit month. Smokey has PMÂ’d me from time to time. NKT has checked on me, another good guy. ThereÂ’s a whole bunch of you.
So to the entire KTC Nation, thank you.
What does the future hold for me? I expect to be here a long, long time. Me and Ray have decided though, we are only hanging with hardcore quitters. If you suck, you canÂ’t hang with us. I will try and help anyone that wants it. I will stick my nose where it doesnÂ’t belong and try and be a cock, but itÂ’s only to help you. If you donÂ’tÂ’ want my help thatÂ’s OK, I am no longer getting mad at anyone.
Well I think I have determined that this speech sucks. So good night.
PS If I missed any of you, it wasn't intentional. thank you all again.
