* Thanks!

[musicluvah]

I wish I would have listened to my parents that first time I got caught instead of getting better at hiding it. I had just come in from a Friday night buck-out (bull riding event)  as usual walked directly to my room, slid the can out from the front of my pants or the top of my boot  into the bottom of the top left drawerÂ… as quietly as possible. Not quietly enoughÂ… they had me figured out. They threatened me with grounding for a year  taking away my stereo! Not enough! I did cut back a little for a while but also just got better at hiding the cansÂ… in the bushes, burying it, whateverÂ… until they finally figured out that they werenÂ’t gonna stop me.

Approximately 11,860 days, 20,000 cans  well over 100,000 dips of snuff laterÂ…

I had finally reached the point of realizing that the only way I was ever going to quit dipping snuff was to be committed to a psychiatric hospitalÂ…straitjacket, drugs, shock therapy, lobotomyÂ… whatever it took, I was ready for it! I had had enough! I had been dipping regularly since I was 12 years old  I turned 45, 55 days into my quit. So, 32+ years of the crap at 1 ½ - 2 cans a day.

Historically Speaking

I can still remember my first chew of tobacco at 10 years old. The plug had been left on the baseball field where my brother  I spent nearly every weekday of my summer that year. Two older kids had gotten into an argument about whether or not the old maxim “You can lead a horse to water, but you canÂ’t make him drink.” was true (seriously!). They made a bet out of itÂ… the loser had to take a chaw of the darkest, harshest, most vile, plug tobacco they knew of Â… TinsleyÂ’s Cut. Well, the horse didnÂ’t drink so the loser took his short-lived gagging chaw  the rest of the plug was thrown out onto the baseball field. My grandfather chewed tobacco so I was curious  wanted to try it too. Later on I went back to the field by myself, picked it up, tried it  I liked it! I was pretty scared of what my parents might do to me at that point so I spit it out too quick to catch a buzz off of it.

My first dip of snuff was at age 11. On the walk home from school, another kid gave me a dip of Copenhagen. I remember thinking that it tasted salty  then bam! *~crystal blue persuasion~* the dizziness! I had no idea it would do that to me  immediately suspected that the kid had mixed dope in it (I had just heard about dope  had no idea what it was other than it made you act  feel strange). I tried walking straight lines all the way home  looking in carsÂ’ side mirrors trying to get all the snuff out of my teeth. Later on when I started dipping on a regular basis, I learned to enjoy this wonderful short lived side effect.


I was never one to hide the fact that I dipped from anyone since the days my parents quit grounding me over it. I was part of a group that identified itself with athletics (baseball  boxing for me), fishing, hunting, rodeo  snuff /or chewing tobacco. That was just part of my identity  culture. After all, I grew up in Fort Worth, Texas, where the West begins! Most of the guys in school were just casual dippers/chewersÂ… Not me! I never felt like I did it as a result of peer pressure. I wanted to do it, I absolutely loved the taste, the buzz, the culture of itÂ… the whole package. As time went by, the hard core dippers like myself gravitated into our own little clique. I quickly cultivated a can plus/per day habit/addiction that soon escalated to 2 cans a day.

After High School  some college, I hired onto the Fire Department. Basically the same type of culture I was used to, only more so  dipping fit right in. Out of an 8 man, double company crew that I work with, 5 of us were dippers (3 of us have quit). When one of our dippers retired last year, he was replaced with another younger dipper. Just the way the odds work out here. BTW, spitting from the window of a fire truck is frowned upon, especially when on a call. This has given opportunity to something unique that I have not seen any of you other quitters post aboutÂ… spitting in our disposable EMS gloves (after we take them off) after a call or are just out  about in the truck. Spit till theyÂ’re full, tie the wrist off  throw it in the Bio Hazard/EMS waste bin when you get back to the station!

The Quittings


I canÂ’t tell you (because I donÂ’t know) how many times I have tried to quit over the years, but I can tell you that there was rarely a time when it wasnÂ’t on my mind. The first time that I can remember having at least some success at staying off of Copenhagen for a while was in high school during baseball season. By our QS standards it was not really a quit because I occasionally used chewing tobacco (Redman, Beech Nut, Mail PouchÂ…) during this time. I didnÂ’t get that much out of chewing tobacco nor did I crave it like the snuff so I didnÂ’t do it nearly as much. Someone on my baseball team had introduced the idea of mixing all kinds of different things in with the chewing tobaccoÂ… bubble gum, sliced almonds, cinnamon oil, dried applesÂ…so it became the thing to do. This lasted for about a month for me when I fell victim for the first time to “Just One”. We all know how that turned out. (BTW, even after a month of using chewing tobacco sparingly instead of a regular Copenhagen habit, that one dip still gave me a huge buzz  made me a little queasy feeling.).



The morning that I took my final dip, the whole right side of my mouth, jaw  tongue were in the worst pain I had ever experienced. I thought, “This is itÂ… IÂ’ve finally given myself cancer.”. It was so painful that I tried moving the dip to the other side which I hadnÂ’t done in years because of dental issues. I could not enjoy it nor keep it in for very long because my entire mouth had suddenly become very sensitive. I knew I had to do something drastic immediately. I got to work  told one of my long time dipping buddies that I was done for good, this was my last dipÂ…  I meant it this time. That was Monday, July 17, 2006 at 8:00 am. I have not used tobacco of any kind nor in any form since that time.

That morning our engine crew had to go to training so another engine had to “back up” in their place because my crew is strictly dedicated to aircraft rescue  not allowed to leave the airport for standard fire  EMS calls. The lieutenant on this back up engine was a younger man that I had worked with 10+ years ago when he was a rookie  I was his lieutenant. I hadnÂ’t seen him for years but had heard that he had gotten cancer several years ago from dipping snuff. Â…I havenÂ’t seen him for years  he shows up at my fire station on the day that I finally got serious about quitting this nasty crapÂ…I donÂ’t think it was a coincidence. I asked him all about his experience with everything from the diagnosis to the surgeries to the treatments, how his family dealt with it, how he dealt with itÂ… pretty much all I could think of to ask him. He was great about the whole deal  very encouraging about my quit. Talk about strengthening my resolve! AgainÂ… I donÂ’t think it was a coincidence.


My biggest fear in life has always been that I was going to give myself cancer for the sake of a crude, nasty, selfish, idiotic  expensive habit that has absolutely never done anything good for anyone! The idea of potentially surviving cancer, leaving my family to have to see  deal with any resulting disfigurement or debility brings unbearable feelings of guilt  shame. If I were to die as a result, even more so to think of my daughters explaining to their children why they have no grandfather, my mother standing alongside the casket of her son  the unbelieveable pain I feel at the thought of leaving my wife of almost 25 years at this time in our life together. I am overwhelmed even now, to the point of tears running down onto my camo as I sit in my deer stand writing this. (Not sure, but I donÂ’t think thatÂ’s allowed? Rem, SBTZC, dink, ODT???)

I knew this HAD to be my final quit, of course feeling that I had no other choice due to the way my mouth was torn up this time. I had been thinking seriously about quitting for several months  so my mind was right for it. I also felt extreme guilt for tanking a 30 day quit the previous summer, using nicotine gum, because my previously mentioned long time dip buddy caved first (I know, NO EXCUSE!). I had one other long term quit 10 years ago using the Dipstop program, dosing down with SMC  Bacc Off, over a several month period. I went about a month with no tobacco or nicotine before caving after a long stressful ordeal which ended in the death of my father (I know, NO EXCUSES!).

I have tried quitting cold turkey literally hundreds of times, never making it much past 24 hours. I tried the patch onceÂ… too hairyÂ… me, not the patch. I had tried quitting with nicotine gum 3 times previously. This was my 4th time using it. I had already made a plan  started using the NRT gum before finding QS. Like I said, cold turkey had never worked for me at all (read – 0% success rate) so I never even considered it as an option. Of course soon after joining QS I found that NRT of any kind was not very well accepted by most, barely tolerated by some  OK for others. Seemed to me that these others were definitely in the minority. I say to each his own. We are all very different. What works for some, doesnÂ’t necessarily work for others. Whatever it takes to keep the real crap out of your mouth!!! I have read all the statistics on methods of quitting  their supposed effectiveness ratios. I know IÂ’m not at the end of the road with this addiction but hereÂ’s one statistic thatÂ’s not in their reportsÂ… Using nicotine gum as the first phase of a method of quitting tobacco along with the help of an extremely outstanding support group of fellow quitters has enabled Stacy Clark to go 122 days (at this writing) without putting any tobacco in his mouth or other bodily orifice! ThatÂ’s all I have to say about that.

The final pieceÂ…

Later on the day that I quit, I googled ‘quit dippingÂ’ or whatever it was that I googled  found this wonderful place. I knew right away it was a Godsend. Just like most of you, I devoured every bit of reading that was available for a couple of days or so, then tried out chat a little before finally joining. I signed on using my real first name  last name because I didnÂ’t want to hide anything. I was completely coming clean, I needed no more coaxing. All the great QS literature; Spongebob Mantra, Reply from Jenny Kern, Contract to Give Up, What Price to Save Ourselves, Â… had itÂ’s intended effect. When I read AaronFÂ’s HOF speech about how he convinced himself as a teenager to eat ground up tulip bulbs, I assume as an explanation as to why kids do the things they do  tractorboyÂ’s query “ever gone garbage-diving for a chew bottle in a public place?”, I knew I was in the right place. To find such a huge body of people all sharing a common, grotty experience who knew exactly what I had been through, what I was going through at the moment  what to expect in the days aheadÂ…Incredible!!


I determined based on some of the things I read here, that this was gonna have to be ‘all out, Katy bar the doorÂ’ kinda war. No punches pulled. For me that meant allowing myself liberties in other areas that I normally wouldnÂ’t have, in order to make up for what I was giving up. I placed no restrictions on myselfÂ… well, besides just the oneÂ… Thou Shall Not KillÂ… which as it turned out was a good idea  really for the best. I have also evidently developed turretÂ’s syndrome as a result of this battle. I seem to have some trouble controlling my language these days. DonÂ’t tell my wife, sheÂ’d really be mad!


I am still to this day, utterly amazed that I have been free from tobacco for this long  I have ALL of you to thank for that! I realize that this is a small milestone in the grand scheme of things, but still an important one. I cannot thank you all enough for the Team Work, your Commitment to me  one another, the Education that you have given me, the Camaraderie, the Encouragement, the Fun  Humor, but IÂ’m gonna tryÂ…

First to ALL of the veterans for being here for us in the beginning, for going the extra mile by sticking around here to pass on what you have learned  for your friendshipÂ…

Copewquitn
QuittinTime
ODT
RobakaIndy
Aqua
Sioux
SOS
tractorboy
loot
These 3 ladies additionally for making it a kinder, gentler, brighter, cleaner, safer  much better smelling place as wellÂ…
Janhawke
Rayne
Lwmiki

Al – for always being there for me  everyone else, I think youÂ’re a great guy  a wonderful influence on everyone here at QS. BTW, I am drinking water as I type.

Rem, Who  7 – it seems as though the 3 of you have made extra special efforts in the UnitsÂ’ node to be of help  of humor! Thanks for teaching us to post roll, post whore  whore for trophies, the 3 most essential elements of being a good QSer. I appreciate your being there for us at all times, sometimes when we werenÂ’t even thereÂ…You have really been a huge influence on so many of us to carry on your great tradition of passing it down to future generations of quitters. Thanks for all that each of you have done for me personally  for all the Units as well. You guys are true blue! I look forward to our continued friendships.  hope to see all 3 of you in February.

Cliff – Thanks for giving us our identity. I am proud to be one of Cliff’s Cohesive Units!

To the UnitsÂ…

I really donÂ’t know where to start here. Even though there were times when we should have changed our name to the Critical Care Units, it has been great to be a small part of this huge team! Every one of you has been so instrumental in helping me, pushing me, pulling me, getting me to this point where I can say “I donÂ’t do that anymore”, “No Tobacco Today” every day for the rest of my life  finally by writing this speech, “Close the Door”. It has been so important to me in writing this to go back  see where IÂ’ve been in my life with this addiction, see where I am now in relation to it to more fully appreciate what has happened here amongst all of you wonderful people  strengthen my resolve even more than I ever thought possible. I highly encourage all of you to do this as well. Thanks to all of you who stood by my side or lifted me up out of being bogged down in the funky fog, who ignored my rants  rages or joined in them with me or against me. Thanks for being a listening ear  for trusting me with your troubles as well. Thanks for the fun, the laughs  the humor. Thanks for posting roll. Thanks for making me feel like a part of the group. I feel like I have known many of you for years  hope that I do, for many years. I look forward to continuing on with all of you  canÂ’t wait to see you at the first annual, grandistic, royal order of the Noble Members of the CliffÂ’s Cohesive Units Get Together in St. Louis, Missouri in February 2007!!!

THANKS FOR BEING A UNIT!!!

Nygel36
Bluegrass Saint
ForMyKids
Citizen Robespierre
Dr. Dumbass
Geep
Kevin M
J.P.
Larry
quittincopesux
Worm
fatguy
Hydranthead
Jim
Brett
Kevin
drew428
Bottledair

Dinkshooter – hope your hunt is going well  looking forward to getting to know you better

Ignatious J. Reilly – Thanks for finally learning how to post roll… almost…

Shep – Thanks for trying to bring a little class to… well… the class…by trying to clean up what otherwise could have been a stinky situation by introducing us to the world of the bidet!

Larry - enjoyed chatting with you in the early days when you had computer access  hope you are still quit.

KidatHeart – appreciate the early PMs we had. You are a very solid, friendly, humble man  I appreciate having someone of your character in our group.

Malibu – Thank God there is at least one person older than me in the group so that I don’t have be called grampa there too! You have been a great steady influence in the group… I honestly don’t think those other 2 ninjas would have made it without you!

Docman - Thanks for being there for me in the roughest times, quietly PMing me, reeling me back in, talking me down from the ledge. I appreciate you being such a strong, quiet influence to me. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have never made it past the first couple of weeks if it wasnÂ’t for you. My sincerest thanks.

grinn – Dr. Grinn ETMD, medicine woman, mistress mysteriosoÂ… have had a blast trying to understand what your posts say  misexplaining them to Lobo. Thanks for the chat  PMs, I truly wish you could spend more time with us, I have thoroughly enjoyed the times that you have!

dionnja1 – Man, you have been such a fun  sincere guy to be in this group with. I appreciate your advice  help after the surgery  your commitment to the group. I look forward to meeting you in St. Louis!

Russter – What a great solid, dependable man you have been for our group. I have completely enjoyed being a part of this with you. I’m really glad that your Cardinals finally won it all this year. I’m really looking forward to our St. Louis road trip together!

SteevO – you have been an incredibly big part of our groupÂ’s successÂ…especially in the early days before you started pi$$ing everybody off! LOL! Just kidding of course! Thanks for being who you are  getting in there  making people get real. I still to this day think your jalapeno story is one of the funniest things IÂ’ve ever heard in my life!!!  yes we will have that beer!

Lobo – I really have appreciated all that you have done as a part of this group. Your humor is priceless. I appreciate your sincerity  humility. Thanks for the PMs  for being a friend. I look forward to working with you on our project  getting to know you better.

GiKea – One of the wisest, most prudent young men I have ever encountered. Thanks for being such a leader in the group. You stepped up at a time when it looked like no one else was going to. Your input since that time has been invaluable. Thanks for sharing your life  your heart with the people of the CCU. I appreciate your character, honesty  integrity. I look forward to seeing you soon. And BTW, I honestly donÂ’t think you would have made it without those other 2 ninjas!

iuchewie – Wow! What can be said about this guy. The most active, hard working Unit, QSer  post whore of our time. Probably the most popular person on QS  with goo reason! UFKAC, you are truly an inspiration to me  IÂ’m sure everyone here on the site. Helping the new guys, hanging with the veterans  always looking out for your brothers in the CCU! Thanks for not being afraid to be yourself  open yourself up to people. I am truly thankful for being apart of this group with you. You have been a wonderful friend  definitely someone who can always be counted on. I am really looking forward to meeting you in February! Thanks for all your hard work  the website/

SBTZC – Brokeback Mormon, Scar Tissue, Toilet Face, Salt Face, Moron! Wow, the names youÂ’ve had to endureÂ… ItÂ’s a wonder that youÂ’re such a sweet  sensitive guy! Thanks for always having my back, buddy! You probably donÂ’t remember this but yourÂ’s is the first PM I received welcoming me to QS, pointing me to this group, explaining how to do roll call, etcÂ… I admire the way that you selflessly spend time helping out the newbs  anyone else you can. Your knowledge  grasp of the issues that involve us in this addiction is incredible. Thanks for all the PMs  chit chat along the way. You have been a goo friend  confidant. I really hope you will try to make it to St. Louis!

Last but not leastÂ… Thanks to my beautiful wife, Linda, for putting up with this crap for so long just to be with me  for not leaving me while I was such aÂ… not such a nice person the past few months while quitting this crap for the last time!

Thanks again everyone! It has been a truly incredible experience, not that I want to do it all again, but I am looking forward to the next 100 days  beyond with all of you!

Stay Strong, Stay Quit  Be Goo!