I wake up every morning with the same exact thought from the moment I gain consciousness and drag myself out of bed: "Where is my dip?" Half-awake and stumbling around, I look through drawers, back-track my steps from the night before, and find my most recent can or one with something still in it. I pop the lid and see if there's enough to curb me over; usually around a quarter of a can. If there's not enough, I sigh and still put it in my mouth, feeling ripped off. And from there, the day starts. I go to work, I put in my hours, and usually around mid-morning I have another craving. I leave to go to the bathroom and I have a can stuck behind the seat covers in the stall I always use and I dip. Rinse and repeat in another two hours, until I blow through that can and I get another during my lunch. I end up getting home late, and doing the same thing. It's a habit that just doesn't want to break.
If I break it, it sends me into a tailspin. My daily function is slowed and mundane, the fog is so thick that I cannot focus without some kind of pick-me-up, like an energy drink or a lot of coffee. And nothing else matters until I can get that next pinch, so everything falls into place again.
But today was different. Going through the motions, I realized that this isn't a way to live. There was no benefit of this habit, it was just making me less of a person. My gums are receded and they bleed constantly, my teeth are stained and grotesque. The nic takes away my appetite and I have become awfully thin; lanky would be a compliment. I'm spending more on dip per week than I am spending on food (average price where I am is around $8 for Grizzly) and I'm just sick of being a slave to this stuff. I want so much more in my life, I want to feel like I'm living and not being totted around on a leash by the can. My significant other despises my habit and she looks at me differently. I'm sick of having a minor anxiety attack every time I find a different sore in my mouth, and they're getting more painful and whiter than the average cut or canker sore.
So that's why today's date is the topic of discussion. It's time to break the cycle, it's time to stop being this poison's bitch once and for all. I've made a valient effort to find all of my cans and dispose of them and start from scratch. No "last pinch", that's just a tease. It's entirely willpower from here on out.
This isn't my first time here (I couldn't figure out my old login, so I apologize for creating a new one) and I stuck around until about Day 24-25 before I caved and just said fuck it. Dumb move, because that was almost a year and a half ago. Fake dip doesn't do it for me, sunflower seeds were a fruitless effort, so I'm open to ideas for how to get past the fixation.
I apologize for a wave of negativity, but I'm happy to be back here.
