Day 15 and a brand new day. This is a pretty screwed up story, I am logging in here, as this will be interesting to look back upon, and useful for others as something probably not to do. The Risk/Reward ratio is not, and I mean NOT worth it.
I will be the first to admit that I am edgy and very distracted with the quit. Each day I feel a little better but in some ways worse as I work through the issues of not having nicotine in my blood for the first time in 30 yrs. I have also had some other changes in my life that started with a new years resolution with my wife. I have lost almost 80 lbs since then and have regained (well, a little exaggeration) my athletic endurance that I had when I was in college. Per my wife I am ADD, won't disagree, and quitting in her eyes has exaggerated that. In fact that is all she has been talking about the last several days. My wife and I are in healthy midlife and with all the changes, the question of the itch has come up. The answer is NO and never will be.
This morning, probably the calmest mornings in a LONG time, my wife lost it with me. She "can't handle" my anxiety and nervousness, is convinced that something is wrong and believes that I am leaving, cheating, or anything and everything along those lines. She started to go off on how since I quit I have acted strange and she doesn't like it blah, blah, blah. I have been unable to explain to her what it is like and what I am feeling. I guess being addicted to chocolate isn't the same thing and not a good correlation. So without making a huge scene, I stood up and said I CAVE!, grabbed my wallet, keys and headed out the door. You see I had instantly come up with this GREAT plan. Initially, I was close about ready to cave out of anger, that quickly distorted into I was gonna fake dipping again and make my wife think all was well again. (FLAME ON!!!! I deserve it). I HAD WORKED TOO HARD TO CAVE AND IT WASN'T GOING TO PART OF MY PLAN.
Luckily, I already posted roll and I ultimately realized I couldn't cave today, I could not upturn my value on what my word meant. My dip would have to wait till tomorrow if the feeling persisted. Kept thinking to myself, 15 days, have some good friends now at KTC hate to let them down, FUCK!!!! hate to let myself down. Went to text them and realized didn't have cell phone with me. Before I knew it, I was in the store so bought a can for tomorrow, and then bought some jerky. Exited store, emptied can in trash, put can in trash. Opened beef jerky and chewed entire bag.
Got home, found out that no matter how hard I tried to fake being high on nicotine, it didn't work. Realized that my wife was actually glad I didn't start dipping again. And then realized that I am really the one that is fucked up and need to sit down, take a chill pill, and keep posting roll every fucking morning, first thing. Have since started to repair damage to wife.
FOLKS reading this, the NIC bitch is cunning and powerful. She knows me better than I do. While only I can make the decision to quit, I remain QUIT because of what and who is here on these pages. I would like to thank the veteran quitters that continue to contribute for making sure that it doesn't get pilfered by us newbies. Giving our word on roll call is vital. Don't give your word if you don't mean it. The value of the word saved my life today.
I will remain quit today because of it being so highly regarded here. I vow to not let it be diluted.
Thanks
I Quit!