Winding down on day 21 now. I can't believe it's been three weeks already! Time for some more random thoughts:
It's amazing how I'm progressing thru the quitting process. Just to reiterate what I've said before, the similarities between quitting and the grieving process of losing somebody close to you, either thru somebody dying, or just having a girl dump you, are striking. I've gone thru the initial shock, the denial of the severity of the situation, and a much needed emotional breakdown. I'm now on the point where I find myself reminiscing about the past, but I haven't moved on yet.
Part of moving on after something significant is removed from your life is finding something new to replace whatever isn't there anymore. When a girl dumps you, the best way to get over her is to find another one. One of the things I have turned to is sunflower seeds to replace my once beloved Cope.
I have accepted the fact that I am a nicotine addict. In the eyes of a nicotine addict, a big nasty pinch of Cope is not equal to a mouthful of sunflower seeds. In my mind, the pinch of Cope is like eating a giant porterhouse steak that has been cooked very rare, where you can still hear faint moo-ing sounds as you bite into it barbarically and blood squirts everywhere. The sunflower seeds, by comparison, are like eating a fucking tofu burger.
And yet I have made the decision to quit chewing, even though my mind is programmed to think that nicotine is awesome. It's as if I'm mentally at war with myself. Eventually, one of the sides has to win, right? My quitting conscious is well prepared for the war. Between the knowledge I've gained from reading about what to expect and the support group in place here, I should be a few steps ahead of my addiction. Throw in the fact that I am one of the most stubborn individuals in existence once my mind is made up, and it should be an easy victory. But it's not!
I went golfing with a few college buddies this past weekend. One of the things they remember about me from school is how I used to wake up in the morning, walk out of my room in my undies, pack the shit out of my can of Cope, and shove a huge dip in while standing over a garbage can, then go take a shower. Every morning before class, and on weekends, it was like clockwork. And it's one of the first things brought up when we start talking about the good ol' days. So, you can imagine their surprise when I told them I quit. I had tried to quit previously when in school to impress a girl that was adamantly opposed to tobacco, since her grandfather died of lung cancer. I made it a week then before I caved for some stupid reason that doesn't really matter. That was the turning point to me going down the path of the ninja dipper.
Anyways, the fact that this story keeps getting brought up frankly sickens me now. That was years ago, but still. Was there NOTHING else that I did that was memorable? What about everything that I've done with my career and whatnot since school, can't we acknowledge that? No, we just bring up the story of my morning ritual, and discuss how surprising my quit is. That's how much fucking control my nicotine addiction had, and still has over me.
One more random thought - At the start of my quit, I bought some Jim Beam original sunflower seeds. They tasted like mildly flavored shit, so I set the bag aside after a few tries for something that tasted better. Anyways, I decided to give them another go today, to find out that they are in fact quite delicious now. This must mean my taste buds are healing. Sweet!
