In 1989 I was a college freshman. Some guys on my hall chewed and that's where it all began. I started with long leaf. Loved the flavor, taste, smell, and of course, the buzz. After a few months I was getting puffy sores on the roof of my mouth and I was really freaked out. Switched to cigarettes for a while. Meanwhile the fraternity I was rushing had guys that would offer us Skoal when we go out and play golf. That buzz brought me back, so I started using Skoal, didn't get the bad mouth sores, life was good. I wasn't thinking or worrying about addiction because I love and loved it. That was 25 years ago.
After graduating college and newly engaged, my wife's father is diagnosed with esophageal cancer; he dies a few months after we're married. I swore I'd quit; I didn't want to die too. But I loved chewing. I can quit any time. I'll quit later. Nothing to worry about. And I don't worry, I go on chewing a can a day for the next 11 years without a care.
In 2007 we adopted a baby girl. God, I love this little girl. Now all I think about every day since 2007 to this very day is I need to quit. Nicotine owns me. On the one hand it's satisfying in so many ways but on the other hand my mouth is not looking or feeling great. I have such massive guilt. Nicotine owns me. What's the point, I tried to quit a few times over the years but the fog, dizziness, irritability, and headaches just wasn't worth it. Why would it be worth it, I love it! Nicotine owns me. It's way easier to hide it from my wife and daughter. Yeah, I'm an addict.
It's January 2014, now I'm so tired of fighting with myself that I make the decision I have to quit. I quit on Feb 19th and suffered all the usual symptoms. But hey, it worked and got better. Now it's May 19th, 2014 and I'm the man! You know what, I feel I'm in such control that I can now have dip once a day in the evening. As a reward to myself! (Yes, I'm shaking my head right now just like you are).
So I've learned a few things. I've beat myself up every day since last May until now. I know I am weak. I mean I WAS weak. I was weak because I had no support before.
I'm now quit for 3 days. I now know the cravings may take a long time to go away. God I hope the cravings go away. I am so terrified of my face falling off. Of not seeing my daughter dance at her wedding. I'm so sick of being controlled by a f#cking plant.
Failure is now not an option. It's cathartic to look back and remember. The past failures of quitting are leading me up to today, writing this to you. Writing this for me. Writing this for my wife. Writing this for my daughter.
I am done. I will not go back to a life of fear and pain. I am stronger than a f#cking plant.
Thank you.