August 4th of 2011 I decided to quit. I dipped for 11 years, and finally got the courage to make a firm decision. There were brief "quits" over the years, with about 40 days being the longest. I decided to do it cold turkey, thinking that was the best (and probably only) way to do it. In addition to quitting dipping, we found out we were having our third kid (which was unexpected) and I left a stable job to be a full-time freelancer. It was a lot of change at once, all within a matter of a week. I made it without a single dip until last month. More on that in a minute.
Immediately after quitting I started having sore throat, heartburn, "lump in the throat" sensation, headaches, anxiety and an overall sense of loss (I felt like I just broke up with my girlfriend). I was never an anxious person (probably because I was medicating myself with nicotine) but my anxiety just shot through the roof - about everything, especially of having cancer. I was reading the pages on quitting on this site, and attributed many of those symptoms to the withdrawal and healing process. However, after a month or so, the symptoms didn't subside. I scheduled appointments with an ENT and a dentist (it had been about 8 years since I had seen a dentist!) I got good reports from both - nothing to be concerned about regarding cancer or other diseases from the tobacco use. However, what I get diagnosed with was GERD (chronic reflux) which I thought was odd. I hear of folks having reflux due to tobacco use, but my experience was exactly the opposite - it didn't start until I quit. Much of the reflux issues are likely due to stress and anxiety. I could have 100 specialists tell me I don't have cancer, and I will still create scenarios in my head that I've got it and am going to die an untimely death.
Now on to last month. The cravings were more than manageable, I had no doubt I could go the distance, and accepting the fact that I would never have another dip (for some reason acceptance of this was harder for me than the day-to-day battles). However, I just couldn't shake this depressed feeling of so many big changes in my life in the matter of a week. I decided to re-introduce dipping, minimally, as a way to "regain" part of myself. In some way I rationalized that this would be a stability of sorts for me. I know now that this was an unwise decision. I fully realized it was unwise when I made the decision; I had no delusions about that. For the last month, I've dipped on average once a day, down from 5-6 a day before the "quit". What's good is that I don't / can't even enjoy the dip like I did before. I'm stressing the entire time that I'm just running up the numbers of getting cancer.
So, this is part confession, part cry for help. I want to be rid of this addiction and need the help of others. What advice / encouragement / spurning do you have for me? Many thanks.
