I'm sitting here on Day 11. This is no small feat. I've done some awesome things in my life. I've flown Bombers (B-1s), kicked ass on structure fire attacks, and become a rescue tech. But this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Addiction is real. Addiction is ugly, and Addiction doesn't stop. What does stop is my submission to it. I am conquered by it no more. I will continue quitting every single day.
I work at a fortune 50 company as a mid-level manager. I am way too smart to have been doing something so damn stupid for 10 years. I read the stories of HOF guys who have gone before--love the words of encouragement I see, whether by PM, text, or on the board. The past week and a half has been filled with anxiety, depression, and to some degree, fear. Depression for having thrown away so much of my life on a nasty-ass habit that's done nothing for my health or finances. And afraid about the struggles that still remain ahead.
Addicts come from all walks of life. I'm so "type A" that I refuse to only 'partially' do something. Hence, when I started dipping, it was balls-to-the-wall. Talk about setting up for failure.
But now I have conquered 2 Saturdays. I've beaten this monster on my own turf. No more boys spitting in cups to try to be like me. No more of the wife making sure I've brushed three times, flossed, and mouthwashed before even thinking about kissing me. Not to get too personal, but I realize now all the pain i've caused her too.
That's why all of those emotions, while they'll continue to persist for some time, are just part of the plan. Those are the nic-monster sneaking its way back into my psychie. It's not welcome there. It's not welcome in my house, not welcome in my truck, and damn sure not welcome in my mouth.
Foggy days right now. Very foggy. Some far worse than others. But I've also had segments of time where it never crossed my mind that I needed that shit. For that, I'm encouraged. A ton of thanks to the folks on this board, both my May brothers who I PM/text, and the "old pros" who are quick to get me in touch with the right folks and edit my "sometimes overexuberant" posts into the correct format. I'll stay on the roll, because I need to make the daily commit. Not strong enough to do without that.
I've never known a human being in my life that quit dipping. That's why I never thought I could. My family grows tobacco. I'm already being frowned upon by a few cousins. But that's fine. It actually makes me proud. Pretty sure those are some future converts too, so long as I can stay the course. This quit has always been about me, primarily. But the longer I go, the more I realize how impactful it is on others around me.
Sorry for the rant---just wanted to add a day 11 perspective on what I've seen so far. Quitting is an every day thing. It's not a passive activity. Thanks to all those who have gone before. You have been the difference. And thanks to those Mayhemers keeping me strong. Only together will we prevail!
