I was so scatter-brained when I first started here a little over a week ago, I never was able to stop and put a full introduction together. So here it goes.
My fight with the Nic Bitch started back in high school with Beechnut and Red Man Golden Blend. We were stupid high schoolers playing baseball in Florida and thought it was cool. It wasnÂ’t a real habit back then, just a pouch here and there when I could sneak it behind my parentsÂ’ back. But it was definitely a gateway into what would happen.
In college, I continued to use chew on a sporadic level. I would only grab a pouch during stressful exams, papers or for my drives home from college. HereÂ’s the fucked up part, at that time I hated dip. I thought it was nasty compared to chew and never used it. The same sporadic use continued until I graduated college, and I continued to stay away from dip, even with a roommate who was a heavy dipper.
While in grad school, and still staying away from dip all this time with roommates who dipped, I bummed a pinch from my buddy one night while we were out drinking. It was all downhill from there. It started out slow then would build, especially during exams. Back then, I could still stop whenever I wanted. Dip a can of Cherry Skoal in a day and I would be stopped for monthsÂ…until the next exam or deadline at work.
Frustrated with life after grad school found me dipping full time, a can every couple days at least. Then it would gradually increase over the years. It got to a point where I was sneaking dips in at work.
When my wife and I first started dating, she didnÂ’t know I dipped. One night, she found a can I didnÂ’t hide very well. I gave her a b.s. story about how I hardly do it. She hated it and didnÂ’t like it at all. I was too much of a pussy to tell her the truth back then and it would eventually bite me in the ass.
The rest of my story is much like everyone else, especially those of you who were ninja dippers. Once a year of so I would get lazy hiding it and my wife would find out. It was always tough dealing with her and not being honest. Each time I would stop, but I was too big of a pussy to stay quit. It was also an egotistical thing for me – I would rationalize that she never actually caught me dipping, I just had to be more careful.
The sad thing is that the past few years I havenÂ’t even really enjoyed dipping. I was too weak to quit and too egotistical to want to quit until I was ready. ThatÂ’s why I think I deep down wanted to be caught. I know that may seem weird, but on a couple nights leading up to my wife catching me, I had dreams about being caught.
While being quit through KTC, IÂ’ve grown up a bit mentally and realized that it wasnÂ’t just my dipping that my wife hated and even threatened to leave me over. It was bigger than that. It was the fact that I failed to be truthful and honest with her each time. I get that now. Her wanting me to quit wasnÂ’t what my fÂ’d up mind was telling me, which was me thinking she was trying to control me. It has always been about her caring and loving me. She doesnÂ’t want me to get the Big C. I was too stupid to understand that then. I do now, thankfully.
Sixteen years of my life has been controlled by this shit. I canÂ’t believe IÂ’ve allowed that to happen. I canÂ’t believe IÂ’ve allowed it to control how I act and what I do. Thank you to everyone who has reached out and given me support so far. I look forward to getting to know you guys better as we go through this and getting to know even more of the rest of you.
This coming weekend is a nice long vacation to the beach with my wife and son. I had in my mind originally planned to use this trip as the starting point for what would have been another failed attempt to quit. Now, I’m ahead of the game – thank you all for that!
