Day 5 no Kodiak!

[Oliver88]

   "I have travelled so far for so long in search of God. It wasn't until I gave up and turned back that I found God there within" Rupert Spira

    A new contact to an old KTC member inspired me (unbeknownst to him) to add to my introduction thread.
      767 days nicotine free. I recall writing my introduction. I've learned a lot since then, some I've never spoken about till now (maybe).
       I have only recently (w/in last couple months) found Rupert Spira's quote and used those words as the center of meditation. "I have travelled so far for so long in search for God"... I have turned to substances and images that turned to addictions. I have looked for him in knowledge, facts and opinions that only made me feel distant from life. I have looked for him in relationships and people. All of which the feeling of completeness or well being was short lived. Each was a snare to me as I entered searching for something not there. ...  "It wasn't until I gave up and turned back".... I gave up, I surrendered my self. I surrendered my ego and accepted what is. This sounds like defeat but actually it a cleansing. "that I found God there within".... My search for fullness by travelling through interests and addictions ending with discovering God has always been a part of me.

     In my HOF speech I mentioned Psalm 123. How it resonated with me. I was jealous of those who had contentment as I was searching for contentment and value in myself without tobacco.
        I know my thoughts seem a bit juggled but bear with me. I tell new quitters not to allow anyone to define them. And certainly don't define yourself. The darkest period in my quit, the wife of somebody very close to me had written a very believable story on social media making me look very, very bad. None of which was true but she shined very brightly for a time with the response of people who didn't know me. I approached her husband who responded that he saw nothing wrong with what she wrote. My rage was uncontrollable. I began a dark journey and perhaps the scariest thing I was becoming the monster she wrote about. The rage turned into depression.... Far more than my searching for value in myself. I came closest to suicide during this time. God with me that night, it didn't, it won't happen!
           I thought that I needed to rebuild myself. I gained friends and tried new activities. Drinking was heavy in these activities. One of the people who I called friend I went to visit late Sunday. He hit the bottle all day. I was there till 5am protecting his family from him. I had to pull him out of the swimming pool. The next morning at 8 he sent me a WTF text. I quit drinking after that night. I will not have a drink with someone not knowing what I'm leaving their family. His property has video cameras all over it because of this problem. I quit drinking, he couldn't. We are acquaintances. It's difficult to be strong when surrounded by weak friends.
          I have in many ways gone back full circle. Back to an innocence I had thought I lost. Back to interests that I held but never pursued. I no longer need to prove myself not a monster. I don't need to rebuild myself. This has been a year of repairs; not rebuild. And while still I hear rumors of rumors about stories told of me. They don't effect me because...

   "I have travelled so far for so long in search of God. It wasn't until I gave up and turned back that I found God there within"

I am happy to be a part of this group. As I feel more comfortable talking about details of this journey I will. New quitters, it is a journey.

[Oliver88]

Day 25, I have a short intense blast of craving in the a.m. Thankful for that as it reminds me to hate the shit for the rest of the day. I use more gum than grinds but still keep them handy. I'm able to think shit through more clearly.... Okay who'd of thought being able to do role properly (I think I'm doing it properly) is a sign of recovery. For me it kinda was.

There are a couple of days I don't want to forget; day 9. Pretty much depression that whole day. Oh how I lamented

Lamentations of a quitter; day 9.
Not sure if this belongs here, quite frankly I'm physically, mentally and emotionally fatigued but I wanted to make a record of day nine for myself.
I've faced day 9 even when I used but then I was medicated by nicotine. I knew the weapons in my enemies arsonal, you might say. For all of my success's I never felt successful with out a dip. For all the good a beauty I'd see around me, I never felt worthy with out a dip. Dip made me feel like a failure without it and I felt failed with it.
And so day nine came, beginning by waking up to a dip dream. Thank God I got a little sleep to dream. I awoke shaky and nervous; breakfast I thought will fix this. I was cooking and getting more jittery. Jumped on the KTC live chat.... Just a special thanks to those who frequent that. No more, and others you don't realize the reassurance I got by talking with you.
So throughout the day nicotine or the mental addiction threw everything it had at me. Memories of my first dip at 13 years old, a crying mother begging me not to. I recalled my failed attempt at quitting, how I felt when nicotine once again made a failure of me. I recalled my friends who quit with me, how ashamed I was that I let them down. I thought of the people who started using because of me; that truly is something to be ashamed of.
My addiction threw everything it had at me today. Including anxiety attacks, joint and muscle pain and headaches. I worked through all of it. While there isn't a part on me that isn't drained. I left the day feeling accomplished, no thanks to this addiction. And I left this day feeling unashamed and unbeaten for I am still nicotine free. Thank you day 9 for making this quit real to me!

And day 11.... When the reality hit me of why I dipped in the first place...

"Day 11 was a bitch! No Lamentations this time but maybe some Revelation's!
Okay this quit there are 2 things I wanted to do that I believe still ring as good ideas. First I wanted all my anger to be funneled to tobacco. I beat myself up on prior quits and did no good. Tobacco is not even an option for me; I hate the shit! The second thing is that I wanted to keep a record of my quit; daily, hourly whatever I'm going through write it down. I wanted to learn what has kept me dipping even when I was getting no enjoyment out of it. Knowing something about addictions I know if I didn't discover this then I'll just be running to something else as a crutch.

Today (yesterday day 11) I had seen something I didn't like. Dealt with it and moved on with my busy work. I think that's what I realized yesterday (day 11); I keep myself so busy thinking on accomplishing one task to another.... And if something bad happens or comes up I deal with it the best I can physically and then cast it to the side. But it doesn't really go away. In the tractor trailer is where my body is slowed down and my thoughts are able to catch up to me. It's in the tractor trailer that I was a psyco dipper, not allowing my thoughts to catch up..... Or at least ones that I deemed unproductive or hurtful. It was a rough night but a good night. After realizing all withdraw at this point was mental. I traced my thoughts to the trigger of it. I resolved that I need to deal with stuff like that not only physically but mentally and emotionally immediately.
I wanted to get this jotted down and get some thoughts. I feel it a pretty big breakthrough
Of course after this Revelation I spent more time under my truck than in it. But that's okay too. Fixed and back running. Satan won't win and dip isn't an option!"

Day 25 and doing some reflecting!

[worktowin]

3 weeks. You'll never have to relive the last 3 weeks!

How does it feel to be winning?

[Oliver88]

I've learned a while ago that I have to write my thoughts down to organize them; when I don't I become run down by them and lose sight.
I don't know, I guess in this quit I've learned that I was dipping to escape shit or take my mind off of stuff. Even back to the first dip at 13. I can say when I restarted I didn't get a buzz or anything; just a burn on my lip that took my mind off of my rage.
After realizing I was using it as a crutch, quitting has become much easier. My dealing with triggers easier also

[worktowin]

Day 18, the truth is I wasn't going to write in here until day 20 but this date 8/10 has significants. According to my Facebook memories on this day 3 years ago I pledged to quit dipping. Oh my what support I had... And people who were quitting with me.... Nothing to be proud of as plenty more began dipping because of me. That's a different subject.
Any way I had no idea what I was doing with my quit. I was on my own with it. I didn't understand the withdraw that came.... I didn't understand the triggers that caused mental withdraw much later in my quit. Without any understanding or support it really is quite remarkable that I lasted almost 2 years.
Those were miserable 2 years too. I found a church that had awesome music (my life change) but the pastor fed his congregations guilt and his own self rightousness. It wasn't till my finding Jesus did I realize that pastor hadn't
During that quit I wasn't in shape enough to have somebody else make me feel more guilt. I also had a girlfriend that was gifted in the ability to make a fella feel lower and as worthless as the slime beneath a snail.
Fortunately before I started up again I had shed myself of pastor and girlfriend. I probably would have been good in my quit except for a family member whom I (at the time) was helping set up in business, shit all over me. No details; I was in a rage, I felt betrayed, I felt the years I set my own life to the side to help him were for nothing. I ran to the comforter I'd known before and bought a can of Kodiak....
So that was that quit.... And this is this one and I'm on day 18. This will be my final quit. Never could find answers in that crappy can!

I only write this to compare the differences between now and then..... They are huge!

I love how you are using this intro. Soon you will look back at today with incredible pride.

[Oliver88]

Day 18, the truth is I wasn't going to write in here until day 20 but this date 8/10 has significants. According to my Facebook memories on this day 3 years ago I pledged to quit dipping. Oh my what support I had... And people who were quitting with me.... Nothing to be proud of as plenty more began dipping because of me. That's a different subject.
Any way I had no idea what I was doing with my quit. I was on my own with it. I didn't understand the withdraw that came.... I didn't understand the triggers that caused mental withdraw much later in my quit. Without any understanding or support it really is quite remarkable that I lasted almost 2 years.
Those were miserable 2 years too. I found a church that had awesome music (my life change) but the pastor fed his congregations guilt and his own self rightousness. It wasn't till my finding Jesus did I realize that pastor hadn't
During that quit I wasn't in shape enough to have somebody else make me feel more guilt. I also had a girlfriend that was gifted in the ability to make a fella feel lower and as worthless as the slime beneath a snail.
Fortunately before I started up again I had shed myself of pastor and girlfriend. I probably would have been good in my quit except for a family member whom I (at the time) was helping set up in business, shit all over me. No details; I was in a rage, I felt betrayed, I felt the years I set my own life to the side to help him were for nothing. I ran to the comforter I'd known before and bought a can of Kodiak....
So that was that quit.... And this is this one and I'm on day 18. This will be my final quit. Never could find answers in that crappy can!

I only write this to compare the differences between now and then..... They are huge!

[Oliver88]

Danny I am quit with you. I'm a little over a week behind you, but definitely having similar feelings. Stay strong! and Quit On

Frank, I believe out story is much the same. Started young and allowed it to take over much of our lives. Shit we should have been taking care of we were dipping instead.... I am m quit with you

[69franx]

Danny I am quit with you. I'm a little over a week behind you, but definitely having similar feelings. Stay strong! and Quit On

[Oliver88]

Rainy day 15 is being spent identifying and dealing with triggers, identifying and distancing myself from toxic people and tying up loose ends that should have been delt with a long time ago....
No more turning to dip when something upsets me. I'm sure there will be some upset ppl and interesting social media reading by the end of this week. I'm cool with that!

[MikeK]

I wanted to post this here; I feel like everyday since my quit has been an introduction to a new me. Mid morning of day 13, no different only witnessed by non users who know me.
I had taken on a job early in my quit and miss figured how long it would take. So in finishing the job I made out the bill showing the hours × dollars per hour and then gave a percentage discount until money came out to what I quoted. That's all business and gobbly goop. Here's the purpose of this post.
In calling the customer I knew he wanted to work me down more on price. I asked a neighbor to be here when he came, to keep an eye on me actually.
Customer came and began hemming and hawing, "That's more than I figured on paying".... My tongue reached for my lower lip. Nothing there. This is where I usually put in a dip to show how much a man I am. And then I say something I regret or cave. No dip, I had to be a man with out it.
How much were you figuring on paying? "Oh about (reficulous low number)" A'right I'll unload about 45 of those sticks..I can use em here and you can pay that... "But it'd my wood" Yeah, my labor to make em.
Long story short, I didn't cave, I wasn't angry. I'm really valuing my thoughts clear from nicotine. Before the customer left he agreed to having me do more work and that all of my time will be paid for with no discounts
My neighbor called me bad ass. Said he didn't know what to expect but certainly not that.
I'm Danny Tabor, nicotine free and loving it.

The beginning.

Just wait bro. That feeling of missing a friend in your lip will pass and be replaced by confidence, pride, and freedom that you are just getting a glimpse of. You are killing it.

Life will throw you a curve every now and again , some dead plant in a can wont make it any better. Every obstacle you overcome in life without nicotine makes you stronger and puts that much more distance between you and chew.

YOU GOT THIS!!

[worktowin]

I wanted to post this here; I feel like everyday since my quit has been an introduction to a new me. Mid morning of day 13, no different only witnessed by non users who know me.
I had taken on a job early in my quit and miss figured how long it would take. So in finishing the job I made out the bill showing the hours × dollars per hour and then gave a percentage discount until money came out to what I quoted. That's all business and gobbly goop. Here's the purpose of this post.
In calling the customer I knew he wanted to work me down more on price. I asked a neighbor to be here when he came, to keep an eye on me actually.
Customer came and began hemming and hawing, "That's more than I figured on paying".... My tongue reached for my lower lip. Nothing there. This is where I usually put in a dip to show how much a man I am. And then I say something I regret or cave. No dip, I had to be a man with out it.
How much were you figuring on paying? "Oh about (reficulous low number)" A'right I'll unload about 45 of those sticks..I can use em here and you can pay that... "But it'd my wood" Yeah, my labor to make em.
Long story short, I didn't cave, I wasn't angry. I'm really valuing my thoughts clear from nicotine. Before the customer left he agreed to having me do more work and that all of my time will be paid for with no discounts
My neighbor called me bad ass. Said he didn't know what to expect but certainly not that.
I'm Danny Tabor, nicotine free and loving it.

The beginning.

Just wait bro. That feeling of missing a friend in your lip will pass and be replaced by confidence, pride, and freedom that you are just getting a glimpse of. You are killing it.

[Oliver88]

I wanted to post this here; I feel like everyday since my quit has been an introduction to a new me. Mid morning of day 13, no different only witnessed by non users who know me.
I had taken on a job early in my quit and miss figured how long it would take. So in finishing the job I made out the bill showing the hours × dollars per hour and then gave a percentage discount until money came out to what I quoted. That's all business and gobbly goop. Here's the purpose of this post.
In calling the customer I knew he wanted to work me down more on price. I asked a neighbor to be here when he came, to keep an eye on me actually.
Customer came and began hemming and hawing, "That's more than I figured on paying".... My tongue reached for my lower lip. Nothing there. This is where I usually put in a dip to show how much a man I am. And then I say something I regret or cave. No dip, I had to be a man with out it.
How much were you figuring on paying? "Oh about (reficulous low number)" A'right I'll unload about 45 of those sticks..I can use em here and you can pay that... "But it'd my wood" Yeah, my labor to make em.
Long story short, I didn't cave, I wasn't angry. I'm really valuing my thoughts clear from nicotine. Before the customer left he agreed to having me do more work and that all of my time will be paid for with no discounts
My neighbor called me bad ass. Said he didn't know what to expect but certainly not that.
I'm Danny Tabor, nicotine free and loving it.

[FLLipOut]

Day 8 is about under my belt. How nice it is not "needing" anything at the store. Out of habit I reached into my pocket before getting to the little store that I'd often frequent. Instead of a half empty can to open, I pulled out a small pocket notebook containing a pledge I made to myself and a few words of wisdom that I'd found on the KTC site and forum. I drove right passed the store, "naaah don't need anything there"

Quite a few breakthroughs, quite a few small victories worth jotting down

That is what freedom tastes likes bro. Well done.

And it only gets better...

Great job!

[worktowin]

Day 8 is about under my belt. How nice it is not "needing" anything at the store. Out of habit I reached into my pocket before getting to the little store that I'd often frequent. Instead of a half empty can to open, I pulled out a small pocket notebook containing a pledge I made to myself and a few words of wisdom that I'd found on the KTC site and forum. I drove right passed the store, "naaah don't need anything there"

Quite a few breakthroughs, quite a few small victories worth jotting down

That is what freedom tastes likes bro. Well done.

[Oliver88]

Day 8 is about under my belt. How nice it is not "needing" anything at the store. Out of habit I reached into my pocket before getting to the little store that I'd often frequent. Instead of a half empty can to open, I pulled out a small pocket notebook containing a pledge I made to myself and a few words of wisdom that I'd found on the KTC site and forum. I drove right passed the store, "naaah don't need anything there"

Quite a few breakthroughs, quite a few small victories worth jotting down