Hello KTC family
I'm on Day 2 and I promise I'll not be using any form of nicotine today
In some ways, things are going exactly as I expected, and in some ways, I am surprised by how I am feeling
Like many addicts, I was under the impression that I could quit dipping at any time. I was a former smoker after all, so by giving up smoking and having "just a pouch" here and there, I had fooled myself into thinking I was quit
Well as you can imagine, "here and there" turns into every day. After coffee. With coffee. After dropping the kids at school. Risking being late because I have to run back in and grab my tin. God forbid I couldn't satisfy master Nicotine when called upon. All of this, I am not sure how I managed to ignore any reasonable voice in my head saying "What. The. F***" . Surely, by hiding it like a ninja I still knew how ridiculous this habit had become. My wife accidentally took a swig of a travel coffee mug I had used as a spitter, and I honestly found myself angry at *her*, saying "well why the hell didn't you check it first ?"
Well I forgot my tin at work 2 days back. (BTW -- I have never even thought of dipping at work as a "normal" thing until the past few months) Normally, I would have just picked up another can of poison on the way back home. This time, thank goodness, I thought, maybe I'll just take the night off. Well, Master Nicotine didn't like that. My throat started feeling tight, I was getting the urge more than I thought I should. At that point it started to dawn on me that there was alot more going on here than I thought
Thankfully, I started googling, found KTC, read a lot on the forums. So many things resonated with what has been going on with me. So, I decided that it is now or never. I have 2 kids, age 7 and 4. My habit was getting in the way of being the father that I want to be, and it will only get worse if I don't do something about it.
Now that I am 2 days in, it is so abundantly clear how much of a stranglehold nicotine has on me. I am foggy, apathetic. I can't believe how much I was relying on something else to take the wheel. How long have I been asleep at the wheel. It scares me to think about who or what has been driving this vessel.
Like surveying the aftermath of a hurricane, I am looking around at the foggy mess that is my life today and trying to pull it together. I am not sure how I got here, but I know that I will not be using any nicotine products today, because I do not want to ever go through a Day 1 or Day 2 again. I want to feel every moment of this discomfort and store it as a reminder of what happens when you leave the wheel unattended. I am not going to compromise my ability to be the person I want to be.
My throat continues to get tight, like I have to cough but there is nothing there. I know this feeling well -- last week, it was the signal that it was time for a chew. Today, it is a reminder of what happens when you allow a toxic demon into your life. I am not going to give in today. I am curious what Day 3 will bring, and I can only know that once I am there.
Thank you to the KTC community for getting me this far and for being there in the chat rooms when it gets tough.
