Really disappointing text this morning. Comes the day after someone posted on our thread that we need to strive to not allow anyone to cave this week, or something along those lines. Coming back this time is not going to be easy, not that it was easy at the beginning of this month. All the evidence leads to "You are not ready to be quit" Not sure when it happened, last night after posting for Sunday or this morning after not posting for today. After posting on Sunday is you broke your word again. This morning with no roll posted sounds like a planned cave. Also bullshit. Signing back up again and joining November 2017 with promises that this time would be different was you asking to be held accountable. This is me holding your feet to the fire. I don't know what happened to cause this cave, but everyone has stress, Cablinaggie's father died last week. he did not miss a day (texted his promise one day) and did not cave. I think that's a high stress situation that could easily cause a huge crave. He fought it and stayed clean. If you caved because you went through something tougher than that, then maybe I am the asshole, otherwise, it will be hard for me to accept whatever reasons you are going to post after work today. This is here rather than the group page, because that will get pretty clogged up later when you explain.
Fran,
Disappointing - Yes it was and still is. I know its not going to be easy. It was not a planned cave, I think I needed the wake up call. And I am sure I am not welcomed back which will help fuel my fire. I didn't want to my post to be lost in the traffic, though it will most likely not be.
I as I told Fran69 today or yesterday at this point when I got done with work I would face my group and tell yall what happened. I want to apologize to you for not keeping my word when I came back and for not fully developing my own plan to deal with the addict within. The plan I thought I had I did not follow through in. I hope this can be used as something you gather strength in
1. What happened?
As some of you may know I had to travel for work last week and I felt strong, I even took a can of my home made coffee grinds. My first screw up I didnÂ’t reach out to Ton, Tis, or Embrace or any other of yall the night before to go over a plan. I had someone on chat, I believe it was DrewDrew that I should have thought about a little more making an analogy between a one night stand and using. I had a can in my truck that morning that I had bought a while back that I hadnÂ’t thrown away (dumb, dumb, dumb) which I decided it was ok to take with me (again dumb dumb dumb). One has to question do you TBONE really want to quit. Well I got to my hotel that evening after a very early dinner with a few drinks. Before getting there I thought why not get a night cap to bring back and I did. Instead of just going on to bed, which I was more than exhausted because I stayed up the night before due to work. I got on KTC chat and was doing great ordered me a pizza late due to the early dinner and stayed on chat till I was about to fall over. I laid down and was watching tv and after stumbling to restroom and back I saw the devil laying on the floor. The next morning I found that I had poured the rest out and tried to shrug it off and convince myself I was still quit. I missed my flight rented a car and drove back. It wasnÂ’t long before my shrug off was not powerful enough and be ashamed and disappointed I responded to texts and posted roll, which I know is unforgiveable.
2. Why did it happen?
Stupidity!!! Plain and simple. To be quite honest I think I am weak, and I need support. If you knew me you probably wouldnÂ’t guess it, but I simply cannot do this alone. I need spiritual strength, numbers strength, and just look at myself in the mirrior strength. So, to get back to the question, I didnÂ’t have a plan I was following so therefore I didnÂ’t stick to it.
3. What are you going to do differently this time to make sure it doesn't happen again?
Believe it or not I have been using this time out of the fog to come up with my plan. MY PLAN. I apologized to myself this weekend for lying to myself and others and being so damn stupid, I came clean with my wife about my stupidness and for lying and today now yesterday I am coming clean with you. I do not expect a warm welcome or even a hello. I have already gotten some of that and expect more. I stand/type to you now and admit that I screwed up, my word is crap when it comes to nicotine, and I wish to continue my quit with you.
What I plan to do differently, is to not give myself and excuse to cave, there is none. Lock the door and through away the key mentality. I wrote down my plan this weekend and have been reaching out for local spiritual support. My daily routine will be to start first thing, my devotional/scriptures will come first. I will then post, exercise and have my breakfast. I have been reading a lot about staying away from any booze and have written that down in my plan. The crave plan: use oral fixation, text a quitter, call a quitter, call another quitterÂ….. quit quit quit. My only focus right now is to quit today, this minute, this second. It has to be a frog strangling the bird trying to swallow me type of quit. The decision is to quit regardless of a reason, a circumstance a I can just have one. I canÂ’t.
4. Do you really want to quit?
The answer is yes, I ready to not be captive of nicotine ho. I am ready to kiss my wife without her afraid she is going to more than what she bargained for. I donÂ’t want to die an early painful death due to something I could have done differently. I am tired of giving money away to deceptive liar. I want to quit for me. I want experience all the He has planned. There is a lot more people out there I know I can help through this life and there is a lot more deer and fish to eat. So I quit today Day 1!
