Caved on my day 10. This was posted earlier this morning, along with my 2nd day of renewed roll call. Thought it seemed a fitting thing to add to my intro page as well since it's part of my quit that I'm technically starting again.
In response to the 3 questions,Â
What happened : I decided to use nicotine. It wasn't an especially strong craving, it had just been a long, exhausting week with very little sleep. Didn't want to go home because I had just spent the day sweating my ass off in a 95 degree mine and didn't want to go home and sweat my ass off in my 95 degree house. Not making excuses here, just describing the circumstances surrounding the cave. I decided to stop by the dark, cool air conditioned bar on the way home. Not really for a drink, just to get out of the sun for a bit. And as I sat there escaping the heat, sipping an ice cold beer, my a thought passed my mind. 'One more escape. A cigarette would take your mind off things, help you relax.' And like an idiot, I said yes. In that moment, with my guard down, I gave nicotine exactly what it wanted. I went about the rest of the day consigned to quitting the quit. All the while, making excuses to myself why I couldn't do this, why it wasn't the right time, etc etc blah blah. The next morning I woke up. In pain. My head an aching cloud, my shoulder a knotty mess, my back stiff. I recognized all this pain. All the things that had slowly been leaving my body over the last few days. But it didn't come back slowly. I didn't start redeveloping these chronic health issues over the course of a 7 year addiction. This was acute real pain in the here and now. That became the real eye opener to how bad thus drug had really been for me, how much damage it has caused.Â
Why it happened: I didn't reach out. I had not been as proactive with the quit the last few days. Began my lunches poorly, being stuck underground without seeds or gum or fake shit to keep my mouth occupied and my mind off chewing. Hadn't been writing in my quit journal. Just being tired and foggy and and not getting any sleep. I didn't even post my own roll on the say caved, just shot a quick text when I woke up at 5(usually 4am, 430 if I'm running late) grabbed a can of soup from the cupboard and ran out the door to to work. I didn't have, or know about at the time, 'the contract' or anything like that to remind me why I'm doing this, and why caving is a terrible idea. I had been coasting along on (pretty) good days, and that had made me complacent. I simply wasn't prepared for a really bad day. That's the gist of it anyways.Â
Why it won't happen again: Waking up and feeling instantly that shitty is a huge eye-opener to why I need this drug out of my life for good. I feel much better without it, which this cave has made crystal clear to me. I'm going to plan my days better and know that shitty days are going to come again. I will carry the contract in my wallet to read if I'm needing a reminder, and I'll reach out if I think I need help. A couple of the October group members have already reached out and now I have actual #s of people, in addition to the kakao app. And for the next 30 days, or longer if need be, I'll stay away from the bars, because that is apparently too strong of a trigger to be exposed to this early in the game.Â
Also, I would like to apologize to the October group. I slipped up once, but there won't be a second time. QLF from here on out. Thanks for the support, harsh words, and encouragement. I quit with all of you today.
