I joined killthecan.org a few days into my quit last summer. I hated the site immediately and found it difficult to post so I ended up at quitsmokeless.org, which wasn't any better in the end but that is where I ended up managing my quit under the name BP1. I posted roll almost everyday and made it to the Hall of Fame with my group. The mistake I made was quitting my quit at that point. I had no interest at all in dipping but I stopped posting immediately after reaching 100 days. I thought the 100 day Hall of Fame was the end and it isn't. Its merely a milestone to celebrate for one day and then get right back on your quit. Learning that is going to be the difference for me this time.
When I quit last summer, it was at gun point. My wife was taking out a life insurance policy on me and I had to test for all drugs. A positive for nicotine would send my monthly premium through the roof and ultimately cost thousands of dollars over the term of the policy. I knew I was going to quit "someday" but this was really the type of motivation I needed. I passed the test about 40 days into my quit and could have returned to the can that day if I wanted but decided to stay on board. I had endured too much to that point and it was getting easier. I wanted to see it through.
Fast forward to September, so maybe 120 days into my quit. I am a golf professional and went to the island of Oahu for a pretty heavy tournament (winner takes home $10k). Growing up in golf, chew was always part of it. When I needed a friend, that is where I would go. My friend in a can. I went to the store to load up on drinks and other stuff for my hotel for the week and bought a can. I remember two false starts....I was about to open it and didn't out of fear of losing my battle. I like to think I was curious about how much control I had over myself and that stuff at the time but addiction plays dirty tricks and can never be trusted. I was called back in and threw away several months of being free and clear of nicotine. The first couple of dips weren't enjoyable at all. I so wish I would've pitched the can after that first one and never looked back. It should have been easy but I forced myself essentially to chew again. I had that can for almost a month, just lurking in the workbench in my garage. Once a week maybe I would "treat" myself to a chew. Again, it just wasn't the same. I have no idea why I persevered into a full fledged dipper again after that but it happened and here I sit in day 2 of my quit....starting all over.
So hopefully that answers how and why. Here's what is different about my quit now:
1) It's on my terms. I'm not quitting to pass a drug test or to please my wife. I'm quitting for me because I know I have to and I know I can.
2) I know I can do it - The worst part of my quit last summer was the early days obviously and not knowing how much worse it was going to get. Not knowing for sure if I can do it. I don't have that doubt anymore. I simply know I can get through the worst of this and have learned my lesson about putting my guard down when it starts to get easy.
3) Support - I didn't really feel support from the group last time. It was there for me but I just didn't feel like I was part of it all of the way. And I certainly wasn't in a position to support anyone else. I was struggling way too much on my own to truly support someone else too I thought at the time. Not the case now. I know I'm going to do this without a shred of a doubt and want to be active in supporting my group in achieving our success together.
So there it is. I may have mentioned that I live in Hawaii which is 6 hours behind EST. I'm an early riser and will post roll first thing in the AM but I will likely be the last guy to post every day due to the time change.
BP
