Retread
I have to say that writing this is one of the hardest things IÂ’ve ever done in my life.
About two and a half years ago I joined KTC after I got the news I would be a dad for the first time. I was part of the August 2016 quit group with some great people. I had reach out from more senior quitters as well that really helped me out. I was involved in the site and posting roll. I even attended the PA Quit together that year and met some awesome fellas. These guys were supportive and most of all they understood the same feelings I had; they knew exactly what I was going through.
Now let me tell you about where I got fucking stupid. Just under a year of posting roll i faded out and decided I could do this on my own. Let me be the first to tell you that was my first mistake. I stopped posting and reminding myself every day of how far I had come and what my addiction was. I stopped being involved and not only getting support from others, but giving support to those in my group, new to the site, and veteran quitters who needed it from time to time. For a while quitting on my own worked. I had no issues or second thoughts.
As you can obviously tell my resolve with no support system was futile. That old bitch crept back up and beat me. And now here I am, feeling like a failure. Feeling like I betrayed not only people in my life and on this site, but also myself.
I contemplated writing this over the past few weeks but couldnÂ’t muster up the courage to do it. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. Hell, IÂ’m still both of those things. It was absolutely terrifying.
IÂ’m posting tonight to say that I am fucking back because I know that I 100% WITHOUT QUESTION can not beat addiction on my own. ThatÂ’s a scary realization but one that IÂ’ve had banging in my mind. ItÂ’s a scary thing to be faced with something you canÂ’t do.
I am here for the supportive nudges and reflection. IÂ’m also here to get the ass whipping i deserve for bitching out. This is a statement of failure and recognition of my faults.
I reached out to one quitter in particular earlier tonight that I hadnÂ’t spoken to in two years. For all of the new people here, the guy got back to me in 15 minutes flat. We talked back in forth in depth about where I was at, what I needed, and that IÂ’m worth making this commitment to myself and my brethren.
I have to say that I didnÂ’t feel like I deserved anyoneÂ’s support when thinking about caving or the year plus of quitting that I threw away. We have so many people on this site that are fucking battling every day and have it much rougher than I do. Guys that have dipped for 30+ years etc.
Bottom line is I fucked up. I sold out. I got complacent.
IÂ’m not back here today for my son or wife. IÂ’m back here today for myself. For the first time in my life I am quitting for myself.
I am making a commitment to get involved. Stay involved, and to quit on. If youÂ’ll have me, I am here to stay and take it one day at a time.
For those that donÂ’t give a shit, I donÂ’t blame you. I would be the same way. That being said I am here to break the mold. Im here to put an end to this shit once and for all not only for myself, but to others that have the same journey to walk and the same goal as mine.
