Day 2

[Croakenhagen]

It’s been a while posting here but I thought I would throw in a quick update since @Athan mentioned I should share the win. Love having these huge wins and they still strengthen my quit every time!

I went to a bball game last night where a lot of people dip while in the bleachers. Most people get away with it but we all know the signs — spit bottle in the pocket and attempting to be sly about it. I see them and I know that deep down they want to break those chains and be free.
 
If you’re not quit and reading this —Harness your will to quit and I promise you’ll be successful!

I’m so damn glad that I don’t shove that nasty shit in my lip anymore. Thankful EDD!

Croak 533 and FREE!

[Athan]

322 days now. I went back and read all my intro posts from the beginning. It has been a hell of a ride and I could not have made it this far without all of you. It's nice to reflect on how much my life has changed AND improved since quitting. My anxiety is much better since quitting! I remember those first few weeks with my October'18 brothers and some vets, pushing through the funk, thinking it would never end. It does, it did and it's much better these days. I owe my life to this place. Thank you all.

BZ my brotha!  I wish everyone would chronicle the suck so they could go back and look at it.  Thank-you for adding value, depth, and substance to my quit.  Each day is a new vista with which to savor life. Let's do it again tomorrow!

[chris2alaska]

322 days now. I went back and read all my intro posts from the beginning. It has been a hell of a ride and I could not have made it this far without all of you. It's nice to reflect on how much my life has changed AND improved since quitting. My anxiety is much, better since quitting! I remember those first few weeks with my October'18 brothers  and some vets, pushing through the funk, thinking it would never end. It does, it did and it's much better these days. I owe my life to this place. Thank you all.

You go Croak!   I’ve noticed your support in Oct 2013....much appreciated.

Everyone secretly wishes they were an October quitter...it's true!

Keep up the great work, Croaker!  And thanks for all your efforts, because KTC doesn't work without leaders like you!

Screw that, APRIL is the month everyone wants to be in.

[FLLipOut]

322 days now. I went back and read all my intro posts from the beginning. It has been a hell of a ride and I could not have made it this far without all of you. It's nice to reflect on how much my life has changed AND improved since quitting. My anxiety is much, better since quitting! I remember those first few weeks with my October'18 brothers  and some vets, pushing through the funk, thinking it would never end. It does, it did and it's much better these days. I owe my life to this place. Thank you all.

You go Croak!   I’ve noticed your support in Oct 2013....much appreciated.

Everyone secretly wishes they were an October quitter...it's true!

Keep up the great work, Croaker!  And thanks for all your efforts, because KTC doesn't work without leaders like you!

[Dagranger]

322 days now. I went back and read all my intro posts from the beginning. It has been a hell of a ride and I could not have made it this far without all of you. It's nice to reflect on how much my life has changed AND improved since quitting. My anxiety is much, better since quitting! I remember those first few weeks with my October'18 brothers  and some vets, pushing through the funk, thinking it would never end. It does, it did and it's much better these days. I owe my life to this place. Thank you all.

You go Croak!   I’ve noticed your support in Oct 2013....much appreciated.

[Croakenhagen]

322 days now. I went back and read all my intro posts from the beginning. It has been a hell of a ride and I could not have made it this far without all of you. It's nice to reflect on how much my life has changed AND improved since quitting. My anxiety is much better since quitting! I remember those first few weeks with my October'18 brothers and some vets, pushing through the funk, thinking it would never end. It does, it did and it's much better these days. I owe my life to this place. Thank you all.

[quitNWinay]

70 days (10 weeks) Just keeping everything in perspective here as I grow in my quit journey.

I went back and re-read some of my older posts from when I started this journey 70 days ago. A lot has changed in 70 days, though sometimes I still struggle with addiction down to the minute of the day until I can pull myself out of it. This past weekend started out really well. I enjoyed time with the wife and kiddo all weekend. Sunday we had my wife's family over for a little while. All was well.

Monday morning I woke up in a funk, I don't know why, but I suspect it is my lack of consistent sleep patterns, the fact I have a company trip coming up and getting all the loose ends at work tied up before I leave for almost a week. Then we discovered a water leak under our kitchen sink... (Yep a water leak, I look back on it now and think, it was ONLY a water leak, but I sure made a mountain out of a molehill about it.) Anxiety is starting to build at this point.

I think that the anxiety started because...
A) It is a holiday weekend and most stores around us are closed so I'll have to drive an hour to a larger city to find the plumbing parts I need to repair correctly.
B) We had plans to cook out, take it easy and just enjoy our day.

Fast forward an hour...
I have the parts located and bought after going to two different stores AND after returning parts that weren't the correct fit the first time. The anxiety is still building at this point.

I know this all sounds trivial but I do have a point, trust me here.

Then it hit me, the crave... Ya know, it sure is nice that the cravings hit right when you don't need it to sarcasm. I didn't cave but I thought about it. I pulled over to a convenience store for a Coke and some fake dip because I knew I was about to bust out the only one I had left. I stood there and stared at the rack of cancer behind the counter in the convenience store. I even had that rush of how I suspect it would feel if I had bought a can to "reward myself". FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT! I paid for my diet coke and another spare can of fake dip and walked out, wanted to run, but walked out. In my head, I gave that cancer the middle finger as I walked out the door. I texted a few brothers that I had to bust out my emergency can of fake dip. Why? Hell, I don't know. I felt like I needed to reach out. See, I hadn't used fake in over 30 days. This felt like a failure, it wasn't but it did in my mind. Nicotine is a trickster even after you have made it through a really intense craving. The important thing is that I rode it out, kinda freaking out the whole time, but I rode it out.

I was talking with Copequits later recounting the events and Hutch had posted about cravings, we both immediately texted him to make sure he was ok. So, all of that was to point out this one fact...I am thankful for this place, the people here, the stories, the accountability, the blanket of support via text and the forum, every bit of it! I could not have made it this far without all of you. There are many here I have never talked to, but I have read their intros and posts in the quit groups. You guys strengthen my quit and I will be forever thankful for all of my brothers and sisters here!

That picture you just painted really lays out the little details that get us to that point. While texting you yesterday I was only thinking about you at the store. It’s as though we accumulate one thing after another building us up threatening to shatter the “wall of quit” that we have built. You WON! Just like you always do, it is one more win that you can chalk up to never going back to that can of cancer. I am proud to stand with you every day we add another plus one. I couldn’t have made it this far without you and the others that always answer their phone. We all are here to carry each other through. Thanks again for always being available and for reaching out. This is a battle that we will win together quitting one day at a time!

Thanks for being there yesterday, blew my mind that both of you text me within seconds of each other. I wish i was to the point of my quit where i felt amazing, but I ain't there yet. But it does feel great to know that two people (and many others) who i don't know, care enough to send encouragement and accountability to a guy who lives in Oklahoma and is struggling. It's a pleasure to quit with you everyday.

Well said Croakenhagen... It is KTC and people like you that help me stay quit! Team game ittis! Proud to quit with you today brother... ODAAT!

[Hutch18]

70 days (10 weeks) Just keeping everything in perspective here as I grow in my quit journey.

I went back and re-read some of my older posts from when I started this journey 70 days ago. A lot has changed in 70 days, though sometimes I still struggle with addiction down to the minute of the day until I can pull myself out of it. This past weekend started out really well. I enjoyed time with the wife and kiddo all weekend. Sunday we had my wife's family over for a little while. All was well.

Monday morning I woke up in a funk, I don't know why, but I suspect it is my lack of consistent sleep patterns, the fact I have a company trip coming up and getting all the loose ends at work tied up before I leave for almost a week. Then we discovered a water leak under our kitchen sink... (Yep a water leak, I look back on it now and think, it was ONLY a water leak, but I sure made a mountain out of a molehill about it.) Anxiety is starting to build at this point.

I think that the anxiety started because...
A) It is a holiday weekend and most stores around us are closed so I'll have to drive an hour to a larger city to find the plumbing parts I need to repair correctly.
B) We had plans to cook out, take it easy and just enjoy our day.

Fast forward an hour...
I have the parts located and bought after going to two different stores AND after returning parts that weren't the correct fit the first time. The anxiety is still building at this point.

I know this all sounds trivial but I do have a point, trust me here.

Then it hit me, the crave... Ya know, it sure is nice that the cravings hit right when you don't need it to sarcasm. I didn't cave but I thought about it. I pulled over to a convenience store for a Coke and some fake dip because I knew I was about to bust out the only one I had left. I stood there and stared at the rack of cancer behind the counter in the convenience store. I even had that rush of how I suspect it would feel if I had bought a can to "reward myself". FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT! I paid for my diet coke and another spare can of fake dip and walked out, wanted to run, but walked out. In my head, I gave that cancer the middle finger as I walked out the door. I texted a few brothers that I had to bust out my emergency can of fake dip. Why? Hell, I don't know. I felt like I needed to reach out. See, I hadn't used fake in over 30 days. This felt like a failure, it wasn't but it did in my mind. Nicotine is a trickster even after you have made it through a really intense craving. The important thing is that I rode it out, kinda freaking out the whole time, but I rode it out.

I was talking with Copequits later recounting the events and Hutch had posted about cravings, we both immediately texted him to make sure he was ok. So, all of that was to point out this one fact...I am thankful for this place, the people here, the stories, the accountability, the blanket of support via text and the forum, every bit of it! I could not have made it this far without all of you. There are many here I have never talked to, but I have read their intros and posts in the quit groups. You guys strengthen my quit and I will be forever thankful for all of my brothers and sisters here!

That picture you just painted really lays out the little details that get us to that point. While texting you yesterday I was only thinking about you at the store. It’s as though we accumulate one thing after another building us up threatening to shatter the “wall of quit” that we have built. You WON! Just like you always do, it is one more win that you can chalk up to never going back to that can of cancer. I am proud to stand with you every day we add another plus one. I couldn’t have made it this far without you and the others that always answer their phone. We all are here to carry each other through. Thanks again for always being available and for reaching out. This is a battle that we will win together quitting one day at a time!

Thanks for being there yesterday, blew my mind that both of you text me within seconds of each other. I wish i was to the point of my quit where i felt amazing, but I ain't there yet. But it does feel great to know that two people (and many others) who i don't know, care enough to send encouragement and accountability to a guy who lives in Oklahoma and is struggling. It's a pleasure to quit with you everyday.

[copequits]

70 days (10 weeks) Just keeping everything in perspective here as I grow in my quit journey.

I went back and re-read some of my older posts from when I started this journey 70 days ago. A lot has changed in 70 days, though sometimes I still struggle with addiction down to the minute of the day until I can pull myself out of it. This past weekend started out really well. I enjoyed time with the wife and kiddo all weekend. Sunday we had my wife's family over for a little while. All was well.

Monday morning I woke up in a funk, I don't know why, but I suspect it is my lack of consistent sleep patterns, the fact I have a company trip coming up and getting all the loose ends at work tied up before I leave for almost a week. Then we discovered a water leak under our kitchen sink... (Yep a water leak, I look back on it now and think, it was ONLY a water leak, but I sure made a mountain out of a molehill about it.) Anxiety is starting to build at this point.

I think that the anxiety started because...
A) It is a holiday weekend and most stores around us are closed so I'll have to drive an hour to a larger city to find the plumbing parts I need to repair correctly.
B) We had plans to cook out, take it easy and just enjoy our day.

Fast forward an hour...
I have the parts located and bought after going to two different stores AND after returning parts that weren't the correct fit the first time. The anxiety is still building at this point.

I know this all sounds trivial but I do have a point, trust me here.

Then it hit me, the crave... Ya know, it sure is nice that the cravings hit right when you don't need it to sarcasm. I didn't cave but I thought about it. I pulled over to a convenience store for a Coke and some fake dip because I knew I was about to bust out the only one I had left. I stood there and stared at the rack of cancer behind the counter in the convenience store. I even had that rush of how I suspect it would feel if I had bought a can to "reward myself". FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT! I paid for my diet coke and another spare can of fake dip and walked out, wanted to run, but walked out. In my head, I gave that cancer the middle finger as I walked out the door. I texted a few brothers that I had to bust out my emergency can of fake dip. Why? Hell, I don't know. I felt like I needed to reach out. See, I hadn't used fake in over 30 days. This felt like a failure, it wasn't but it did in my mind. Nicotine is a trickster even after you have made it through a really intense craving. The important thing is that I rode it out, kinda freaking out the whole time, but I rode it out.

I was talking with Copequits later recounting the events and Hutch had posted about cravings, we both immediately texted him to make sure he was ok. So, all of that was to point out this one fact...I am thankful for this place, the people here, the stories, the accountability, the blanket of support via text and the forum, every bit of it! I could not have made it this far without all of you. There are many here I have never talked to, but I have read their intros and posts in the quit groups. You guys strengthen my quit and I will be forever thankful for all of my brothers and sisters here!

That picture you just painted really lays out the little details that get us to that point. While texting you yesterday I was only thinking about you at the store. It’s as though we accumulate one thing after another building us up threatening to shatter the “wall of quit” that we have built. You WON! Just like you always do, it is one more win that you can chalk up to never going back to that can of cancer. I am proud to stand with you every day we add another plus one. I couldn’t have made it this far without you and the others that always answer their phone. We all are here to carry each other through. Thanks again for always being available and for reaching out. This is a battle that we will win together quitting one day at a time!

[Croakenhagen]

70 days (10 weeks) Just keeping everything in perspective here as I grow in my quit journey.

I went back and re-read some of my older posts from when I started this journey 70 days ago. A lot has changed in 70 days, though sometimes I still struggle with addiction down to the minute of the day until I can pull myself out of it. This past weekend started out really well. I enjoyed time with the wife and kiddo all weekend. Sunday we had my wife's family over for a little while. All was well.

Monday morning I woke up in a funk, I don't know why, but I suspect it is my lack of consistent sleep patterns, the fact I have a company trip coming up and getting all the loose ends at work tied up before I leave for almost a week. Then we discovered a water leak under our kitchen sink... (Yep a water leak, I look back on it now and think, it was ONLY a water leak, but I sure made a mountain out of a molehill about it.) Anxiety is starting to build at this point.

I think that the anxiety started because...
A) It is a holiday weekend and most stores around us are closed so I'll have to drive an hour to a larger city to find the plumbing parts I need to repair correctly.
B) We had plans to cook out, take it easy and just enjoy our day.

Fast forward an hour...
I have the parts located and bought after going to two different stores AND after returning parts that weren't the correct fit the first time. The anxiety is still building at this point.

I know this all sounds trivial but I do have a point, trust me here.

Then it hit me, the crave... Ya know, it sure is nice that the cravings hit right when you don't need it to sarcasm. I didn't cave but I thought about it. I pulled over to a convenience store for a Coke and some fake dip because I knew I was about to bust out the only one I had left. I stood there and stared at the rack of cancer behind the counter in the convenience store. I even had that rush of how I suspect it would feel if I had bought a can to "reward myself". FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT! I paid for my diet coke and another spare can of fake dip and walked out, wanted to run, but walked out. In my head, I gave that cancer the middle finger as I walked out the door. I texted a few brothers that I had to bust out my emergency can of fake dip. Why? Hell, I don't know. I felt like I needed to reach out. See, I hadn't used fake in over 30 days. This felt like a failure, it wasn't but it did in my mind. Nicotine is a trickster even after you have made it through a really intense craving. The important thing is that I rode it out, kinda freaking out the whole time, but I rode it out.

I was talking with Copequits later recounting the events and Hutch had posted about cravings, we both immediately texted him to make sure he was ok. So, all of that was to point out this one fact...I am thankful for this place, the people here, the stories, the accountability, the blanket of support via text and the forum, every bit of it! I could not have made it this far without all of you. There are many here I have never talked to, but I have read their intros and posts in the quit groups. You guys strengthen my quit and I will be forever thankful for all of my brothers and sisters here!

[KingNothing]

I'm just copying and pasting this from a text I sent to a few brothers as a reminder of where I'm at in my journey. Thanks CopeQuits, Kitt and Srains918 for listening to my ramblings recently.

"I'll be honest. Dip scares the hell out of me. I haven't caved and I'm on 65. I'm staying vigilant but still think about it often. I was taking the trash out last night it and dawned on me....I need to throw one in....hit out of no where. Had to go immediately back in the house and grab a toothpick. It is a recycling of emotion every time a crave hits....first-- shit shit shit, second--anger, third---ok I can get through this one minute at a time, fourth-- back to baseline. Does that make sense?"

Also adding this to my journal:
"The nick b$#%* is in the hotel parking lot doing push-ups!" -Rawls from single/?p=12758308t=30641570.
That quote is stuck in my head, is so relevant and a kick ass reminder to have a backup plan at all times.

You've got your head on straight for this thing, croak, and it will pay dividends. It's not all rainbows and ponies. I've had thoughts trickle in even past 1,000 days that feel like the first couple weeks. The difference is I'm conditioned in my response at this point. You're still white-knuckling those battles pre-HOF. I've been through so many white-knuckle battles -- and won -- that I know I will be no worse for the wear upon reaching the other side. In other words, I've successfully beaten so many craves, I'm no longer worried about the next one. At this point they come and go and I no longer give it two thoughts. The craves are something I have learned to live with, my response to each is the same: not today. I don't know that they'll ever go away. My reaction to them pre-HOF and now are just completely different. I got there ODAAT. I still battle ODAAT -- I've just changed the rules of engagement.

Keep kicking ass, you're winning.

[Croakenhagen]

I'm just copying and pasting this from a text I sent to a few brothers as a reminder of where I'm at in my journey. Thanks CopeQuits, Kitt and Srains918 for listening to my ramblings recently.

"I'll be honest. Dip scares the hell out of me. I haven't caved and I'm on 65. I'm staying vigilant but still think about it often. I was taking the trash out last night it and dawned on me....I need to throw one in....hit out of no where. Had to go immediately back in the house and grab a toothpick. It is a recycling of emotion every time a crave hits....first-- shit shit shit, second--anger, third---ok I can get through this one minute at a time, fourth-- back to baseline. Does that make sense?"

Also adding this to my journal:
"The nick b$#%* is in the hotel parking lot doing push-ups!" -Rawls from single/?p=12758308t=30641570.
That quote is stuck in my head, is so relevant and a kick ass reminder to have a backup plan at all times.

[Capital70]

That was some bad ass morning reading, and yes, reading your stuff and talking over text most certainly strengthens my quit!

[Croakenhagen]

Cruise control?:
61 and feeling like I'm on cruise control at the moment. I'm not going to lie, last week was rough. I was having moments of really big ups and really low lows. I realize at any moment it can happen again so for now I'm going to soak up my win at day 61 in somewhat of a cruise control mode.

Accountability:
I have to apologize to everyone that I badger the piss out of daily....wait, scratch that...it helps my quit and I hope it helps theirs as well in the long run so, no, I'm not sorry for it.

The weight of anxiety:
I have always struggled with anxiety and occasionally, depression. My anxiety really started to become much more prevalent once I quit. The nicotine was masking it just enough that it was manageable. I finally did something about it. I went and saw some professionals. I didn't advertise it in the forum. I did speak offline with some brothers and vets. They were supportive and that really helped...if y'all are reading this, you don't know how much it helped, thank you! Come to find out, I most likely have form of PTSD which alters regions of the brain. I still have more appointments and some testing coming up but I already feel better by just having some validation. I went back and fourth deciding on if I should post about it but if I can help someone else then it was 100% worth it.

So, day 61...still quit, and getting my house in order as Oliver88 would say. I feel confident that this quit will last as long as I take it one day at a time.

[copequits]

Day 46 and still pushing through cravings, and anxiety. Also my old buddy depression stopped by yesterday for a little bit. All this comes in waves. Pretty fitting that my photo is a wave...Anyway, still checking in on this intro and how far I have come. I have a ton of digits and talk with a few brothers daily. The accountability from vets and newbs is worth it's weight in gold.

Find someone, share digits, reach out and be accountable with someone on this journey, TRUST ME IT HELPS. I know it can be tough, hell, it was tough for me!

Proud as hell to be quit with the guys in RAWKtober 2018 and everyone else who is here to stay quit.

Croak, thanks for keeping me accountable. I consider you a great friend in my quit and can appreciate what you are going through sometimes because it hits me to. Someday we will look back on these posts and chuckle because we will have delveloped new tools to deal with them. IÂ’m proud to quit with you each day.