I am and addict. 142 days doesn't change that fact.
We've all been through failed quits. For me, it was dozens of various failures over decades. Each attempted quit was different; but, they all ended the same. A gleeful stupid fucking whim. I had nobody to answer to, and I caved. I made the choice, and the repercussions were mine alone. I thought I could just have one, then it quickly turned into ninja dipping 2 cans a day hiding from my life and my family. Nicotine owned me. It still does. That I can’t forget. As I stated in my intro, the only power I have over nicotine is to never let it in my body again. That is it.
I had a powerful dip dream around 100 days. It went something like this….
I found an old tin in my bathroom. My old ninja dipping lair. It had one small dried up pinch left in it. I stuck it in my mouth without thinking, and then spit the fucker out. I felt deep despair. What the fuck did I just do? I was wrestling with how I was going to come clean with
@KD2. Could I just not tell him? I mean, it was just 1 dip and I chucked it out of my mouth in 2 seconds. Could I really lie straight up? Oh fuck, I have to explain to my quit group!
@ankape is going to fucking kill me. FUCK! I woke up in a cold sweat. I was still sure I had caved. A few minutes passed, and I realized it was just a dream.
The dream reinforces 2 facts.
1. People like
@KD2 and
@ankape are the reason this forum works.
2. This forum haunts my goddamn dreams. And I need that.
Accountability is THE difference. On the day I joined KTC,
@KD2 sent me a note. He read my intro, and we had a similar story. His message was simple. Give me your number, and I'll text you my days quit and you text me yours. Deal? It takes 2 seconds. I probably wouldn't be here without that message. Now, when I have that moment of weakness creep up on me…that stupid fucking whim where I forget all of the reasons I quit….there is no doubt. I'm not letting him down. I'm not writing THAT text. NOT TODAY MOTHER FUCKER! I’ll often yell that in my car. I have anger issues.
There is A LOT of great content and people on KTC. There is a ton of resources, and hundreds of great people that will do anything to help. Everyone has different needs. For me it has been a group to answer to. I need to keep it that simple.
I use the analogy of rock climbing to describe being quit. I don’t climb, but it helps me put it into perspective. We all have a 10,000 foot wall to climb. 100+ days/HOF isn’t a milestone for that climb. It is passing “Rock climbing for beginners” at the local YMCA. The wall is still in front of us. The hard part is not over. The hard part is tomorrow and every day after that.
Thanks to all that have helped me get here, and to those who will help me tomorrow. I hope I can return the favor.
