There was a period not unlike the half-waking moments between snooze alarms. A timeless, restless void that could have been a second and could have been ten thousands years. I felt air on my face, a rushing wind that pummeled me. I could not see, realized my eyes were closed, and pried them open. My vision immediately went blurry, air blowing the fluids from my eyeballs. I felt like I was falling. I focused my eyes and saw the ground, way down there, hundreds of feet. Lush green grass and tiny pale shapes that could have been people, little dots that seemed to grow almost imperceptibly
It's amazing to me what this site has become since I joined in 2006. You see, back then, this site was a just another blip out there in a sea of other sites. It didn't rule the landscape like it does now. No. It was a small number of individuals that were looking for a way to stay quit.
I posted once to this site in 2006, and that was on my Hall of Fame day. I knew all the guys from a similar site, and I had (stopped) beside them for 100 days so it wasn't that big of a stretch to find myself over here celebrating with them. What I remember of this site started with
this.
Shortly after achieving my "feat" of (stopping) for 100 days, I stopped posting. I didn't fail right away. No. I was "quit" (or at least I thought I was)! Quitting, you see, is an all or nothing endeavor. If you want a glass a wine, you need to pour the water from your glass. Otherwise, you end up with a watered down concoction that looks like wine, but tastes like water. I (stopped) for a comma's time, and I failed hardcore in 2009.
I thought I was drinking wine, and didn't even realize the lack of taste until my cup was clear.
The aftermath was a blur.
Before I knew it, I was back to using all the time. Hell, it got so bad this time that I began sleeping with plugs in my mouth at night. I ballooned up in weight, and I blamed life's problems on the forces surrounding me. I lacked control of myself, and I blamed everybody and everything for it.
Well, everybody but me that is...
I came here on June 29, 2011 looking for somebody to give me the ok to be a failure. I wanted them to say that years of nicotine use had ruined my brain's chemistry and that it was ok to use the drug to cope. I didn't want to lose my precious drug.
I found none of that here. Instead, I found men reaching out their hands to help me. It felt like I was being judged at first, but I'm a stubborn ass and there was no way I was proving these guys right. I quit that day, and I didn't even do it because of the vets. I did it to spite them. In the coming days, I clung to my brothers in this battle. Eafman (who celebrates his comma in a few days) was the first person to offer me his number and has been a saving grace in my quit. Colonel No Cope was a boisterous man that I initially stayed clear of. I was hung out to dry defending both Moe (comma in a few days) and TeamKeoki as they returned to the site and I defended them. My brothers...my inner core of quit was built in these first few days with these fine gentlemen. Later, I leaned more and more on my brother Luby (comma in a couple weeks). Most are still posting.
Loot took quite an interest in my return, and I believe I rewarded his pointed jabs with a PM that simply said "Fuck you" (Sorry dude. You've been one of my greatest guides here.). I thought it was hilarious that these men (these 3 ballers) celebrating just over 100 days quit knew what it was like to be quit for the long term. (It turns out they did. Quitting isn't about what you have accomplished. It's what you are doing right now.) Vets tore my group to pieces, and vets applauded us.
As time passed, the drama level fell. We settled into a groove and began helping others on the site. It was during this time that I learned a very important lesson about this site: We don't just learn from those in front of us. We are part of a pack; We move as one. Interacting with many groups (February 2012, April 2012, along with countless others) has shown me what I couldn't see with my own group due to my fogginess. They have shown me that there is process and normalcy to becoming quit (No matter how out of control it feels.). There will be sudden flailing. There will be depressions and there will be peaks. Loved ones will fall showing off, and some will choose not to keep up. I can't control the pack. I am part of it. I can, however, direct the pack and I can adhere to its will. I can only control myself and my actions.
After sleeping my way through life, my morning alarm went off in 2006. I hit the snooze button, and I faded back into sleep. I awoke in 2011 and was pulled out of bed with a start by this site. It wasn't the easiest to get moving, but once I did, I was glad. This quit has been phenomenal, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I thank you all. Without you, I am not here today. I'm quit. Period.
Learn from the past.
Quit for today.
Plan for the future.
I have over 100 numbers stored in my telephone, and I expect all of you to call me if you see me fade.
Wastepanel
1,000 for 1,000 (Scoreboard)
