Nicotine, 100 days clean, where to startÂ…
Sometimes the bitch comes in like a raging stampede and you can feel it and hear it and know to take cover. Other times sheÂ’s there with her knife at your throat before you even realize the door is open.
ItÂ’s crazy, you can be having a normal day, nothing special, and then all of a sudden standing there with a cigar in your hands. Terrifying how easy it is to give in, there isnÂ’t even a consideration of not smoking it. It is here. IÂ’m holding the end of my quit. A final present from a dead grandfather, who I adored, is sitting in my hand. A future bonding memory with my father, his son, is blooming in my head. No quit. No promise...already done. That one moment is when I realized the power of KTC. In my mind I had already decided to fail...But I was able to get ahold of my brother. I got pulled from the edge by Bryce, my profile picture is the end result of our conversation.
IÂ’m not saying that I would have caved that day, but it was a countdown to my cave. It was good though, it reminded me that IÂ’m not out of the woods, that there is not an end to this forest...but the treeÂ’s will thin and I have my brothers around me carrying flashlights to help me when itÂ’s too dark to make it on my own. I have brothers ahead of me that are directing me through the toughest parts of my quit and I have brothers behind me that are counting on me to stay quit, otherwise the words I give to them in guidance mean nothing. I cave and itÂ’s just one more reason for them to.
It strengthens my quit to remember the beginnings. Before my current web of accountability was so strong. When I decided to enter the forest of quit on my own, not being able to tell which way was up, struggling through the muck on my hands and knees, blinded by the fog. But then words from the distance, guiding me, Work Towin ;) biggest burliest bad ass Tow truck driving winner of them all really showed me what it was like to want to win, to succeed. Then Chris, that sexy bitch from Alaska, my quit brother from April just being a complete badass going through the same struggle but strong enough to stand me up, dust me off and say lets get moving. As we struggled on my web grew larger and stronger.
Athan, Mike and Bryce, my brothers, I dunno how strong my quit would be without our group chats. You guys have pulled me from that ledge countless times and are the ones I lean on the most, I hope one day I can pay you back for what youÂ’ve done for me, I donÂ’t see how that is possible as you three have saved my life.
Point IÂ’m trying to make here is this isnÂ’t just about posting your damn day. Yes my post is my promise to not dip today. And tomorrow I will promise I wont dip again. But if I didnÂ’t have a place to post tomorrow that wouldnÂ’t end my quit, I would have a lot of bad ass quitters in my corner that if I caved, it wouldnÂ’t be a matter of breaking a promise to a bunch of strangers, IÂ’d have weakened the quits of dozens of men I count as brothers. Everything I told them would mean nothing. My word would mean nothing to them.
If they were just strangers in a forum that wouldnÂ’t mean a god damned thing to me. But, because of our texts, because of our PMÂ’s because of our fucking Vortexes, TheyÂ’ve got my back and IÂ’ve got thereÂ’s, I couldnÂ’t disappoint them that way. It would tear me apart if Bryce or Athan or Chris or Travis or Mike or srains or doofus or Mat or Sam or etc etc etc caved so how could I do that to any of them?
One last thing to think about...IÂ’ve never been on this side of the addiction before. This site hasnÂ’t just shown me its good for me to be quit for my own personal health, but has given me a little taste of what went through my wifeÂ’s head when I had caved in the past. When I promised her it wasnÂ’t cigarettes she was tasting on my breath. When I swore that I was just drunk I didnÂ’t know what I was doing when I put that lipper in. When she screamed and yelled at me after finding that first can, and I told her to stop overreacting. I could never do that to her again. I will quit every damn day with every one of you and you are my brothers, but in the end, My wife will never hurt that way again.
I will be here to help anyone I can, and I will never forget what my brothers have done for me. You all have saved my life. You all have given me a perspective IÂ’d never had. I cant tell you what tomorrow will bring, but for today, I promise to quit with you fucking assholes.
AlsoÂ… Cunt.
That is all.
Love you guys,
James
