May 28, 2010 I had made the decision to quit chewing, again. May 29, I woke up and immediately grabbed a can and put a dip in. Failed again. I was so tired of failing. Knowing this shit had such a control over me was becoming a depressing factor in my life. I was determined to try again. I spent the rest of the day with a small dip in, while I searched the area for fake dip. Apparently the fake stuff is illegal in GA, as I could not find it anywhere. Came home and searched the internet for a place to order it, or a place that carried it. What did I find? This wonderful site called Kill the Can. Did a lot of reading and signed up. Then sat down with a bottle of rum and a pizza. Yea, this is how I spent my weekends.
Woke up on the 30th with one hell of a hangover. Got online with KTC and began lurking. "Ready" apparently spotted me lurking and posted "you can do this Crick." Thanks Ready. That was the the push I needed to make my commitment to day 1 without the chew.
Those first few days were pure hell. I initially started keeping a log of how I felt. That only lasted for 4 days. Wish I would have continued because I just read the log and it was a great reminder of what I never want to go through again. The overwhelming feeling I do remember is depression. There were many days I nearly broke down into tears wondering how did I let a chemical take control of my life. But I would pick myself up and continue with the fight to break this addiction.
KTC was a huge benefit for me. I read daily. I posted daily. I even got involved in a little drama. I gave out support freely, which was really a way for me to encourage myself. A coworker saw I was quit, and began his own quit one week after I did. Another friend, who is a recovering alcoholic, wrote to me and asked if I got a free can of Cope when I reached the 100 day. I asked him if he got a free bottle of Jack Daniels when he was one year sober. At this point he admitted that quitting nicotine is much tougher than giving up the alcohol.
Here I am on day 103. I have never made it this far before. It feels good and I know that I can never have "just one."
Thanks to the entire KTC community, my beloved September group, and everyone who threw there support at me. Without you all, this journey would have been much tougher, if not impossible. God bless you all. Keep up the quit.
Oh, and my big secret. My grandfather retired from US Tobacco. Ironic.
