It started innocently enough I guess, just like everyone here. Lots of my friends dipped and I figured they must know something I didn't. So one night when I was feeling pretty low I asked my best buddy for a dip and he obliged me. Holy shit!! My head was spinning, my palms got sweaty, i felt like I was going to puke. This is what dipping like guys?? Well no, thats NOT what dipping is like. That's what dipping for the first time is like, after that it just becomes a dirty addiction.
Fast forward, I meet my beautiful, patient and loving wife on Match.com. She asks if I smoke.. Nope.. I sure don't smoke (but I do use tobacco, just don't bring that up or she might not date me, dirty liar). So I took my addiction underground during our courtship. Every time I woke up and ran to get her coffee wasn't because I was being sweet, it was to give myself a chance to get a nic fix and give her the illusion that I was being sweet.. Dirty damn liar. I couldn't shove enough in my face fast enough when she wasn't looking. I would literally invent reasons to "run to the store, run errands, ect ect" robbing myself of time with her, robbing myself of money, robbing us of having an honest relationship.
Every secret dip I took might as well have been me putting mortar on a brick and cementing that brick into a wall between her and I. At the beginning its easy, the wall is low and its easy to see over, but as time goes by the wall becomes sizable. its hard to see over, hard to hear over.
Then one day I couldn't bear lying all the time so I just started dipping in front of her and my family. Now, this did nothing to break down this wall I had already been working on between us, but I didn't feel so guilty. And as a selfish addict that's whats important right?
Fast forward again to us getting married. Her and I had made a deal that I would stop when we got married.. And you know what, I did.. I stopped for a whole day. The day we got married I didn't use tobacco, But the next day when we landed in Florida to start our honeymoon I found a place at the airport that I could buy some. "Yes!! Thank goodness!" I thought to myself. I bought one can thinking I could buy more on the cruise ship.. Imagine my surprise when I found I couldn't.. I stared at this can like it was the fucking hope diamond, like it was the one ring of power and I was Gollum.. "Ohh my precious, we can make it one week on this ship.." Never mind that I am vacationing in paradise with my WIFE. So, I did have a good honeymoon, but late at night when she was sleeping I would get up, and roam the empty halls of the cruise ship so I could get my fix.. Like a god damn crackhead. "Be careful, not too much.. this has to last" I would think to myself. I cant tell you how much I regret that and how sad it is to even write this down.. What a dickhead I was. "Ohh yeah honey I can't sleep again, must be this mattress, better go wander the halls"
When we get home she realizes I failed at quitting.. "Dont worry honey.. I don't chew nearly as much as I did"... LIAR LIAR LIAR
Fast forward again.. I am at my sons football jamboree.. Now this isn't just me being a proud poppa, my son is the best defensive player on the team.. Period. He's a stud and I couldn't be more proud of him.. He is giggling behind me watching turbo as I type this.. But they had their game at the high school and there is signs all over that say don't use tobacco. And, although it makes no sense because I didn't respect my wifes or my families desires that I not dip while they are around I did respect the sign at the school and I didn't dip while I was there. First game goes by and I am really jonesing for a dip.. My son plays great but at the end of the game I am ready to split man.. well.. An hour later he had another game and I was without dip for the second hour in 3 hours.. I made it halfway though the game and I started getting overwhelming craves telling me to just run to the car for 5 minutes and dip.. Imagine that.. Skip my sons game so I can go hump a can of tobacco.. Thats the moment I said ENOUGH.. no more..
I don't need a weed dictating whether I watch my son or I don't. I don't need a weed dictating whether I can kiss my wife or my kids or not.. I don't need it at all, it does nothing for me.. Well.. I take that back.. It did make my blood pressure go through the roof, it did have me waste thousands of dollars (sorry kids guess you can go to community college).. But it did nothing good for me.. Not one single good thing ever came from my decision to dip, and my decision every day to keep dipping..
Great things have come from me dumping that can and finding the brotherhood here at KTC. Starting with my home life. My relationship with my wife is way better.. She kissed me this morning.. On the mouth!! Can you believe that?? She even slipped me a little tongue.. :) My 9 year old son cried with joy when I told him I quit.. My blood pressure has gone from 160/120 to 120/85 since I quit. I have been taking a jackhammer to that wall I spent so long building.
And that kind of success doesn't happen in a vaccum. It happens because I found and joined these fine people on KTC. I have woven a network of new friends and accountability that I have never known before this past october. Here we don't try to quit.. We are quit. If you have a bad day or a bad crave, text or call one of your quit buddies from your quit group. Text or call one of the veterans who always give out their numbers to the new quitters. Come into chat and talk about it, vent in your group or in your intro. There are many ways here we connect and interact with each other. Some days we rage quit, and some days we laugh through it.. It doesn't matter really how you get through that day, what matters is you do. There are no style points in quitting. Every +1 is to be celebrated. They just let me post this rant because I chained 100 of them together. The first of many to come...
If you are thinking about quitting and reading this.. Join us, there is no better time than now, there is no better place than KTC, there are no better quitters than these quitters.
