Man does time fly when you buckle down, do the best you can by your group and other brothers of quit. I sit here using some fake this morning because I am having some pretty bad anxiety still and cravings still come and go. I honestly think I could do without the fake but I just think it eases the oral fixation part every once and awhile. Ordered the 5 can sampler when i started my quit and still got 1 of them so 4 cans of fake over 67 days quit don't even know if that is considered a habit.
So lets jot down where we are in the QUIT, so I got me a bad ass group of Ninjas in Dec 'ninja2' and we are quit as fuck. I mean we rolling on two weeks straight of 100%, I am still 100% dedicated to my quit and I also try and do my best by new quitters if I find the time to do so.
However, I lost my Grandma this week and emotionally just a wreck over that because it was long and drug out, hospice care and bedside nights etc. But it is totally normal I think to feel that way going through an event such as that. However my damn body doesn't seem to know how to deal with my emotions. I got these crazy highs and lows and just weird thoughts. Can't even begin to tell you how many times I thought about just giving in during the last week just to make the pain go away. But that isn't real, giving in to nicotine isn't going to make any pain go away. It may mask some pain, but make it go away.. no chance. I got some closure on Wednesday at the funeral and finally laid my Grandma to rest she lived a long life to 89 and was ready to move on.
Next on the list is this damn anxiety, I was breaking into these massive panic attacks or anxiety attacks I have no idea what to really call them. What happens is my heart starts racing out of my chest, sweating, can't breath, scared as shit. Basically just an all around awful feeling and worrying that its going to strike you again. I have been dealing with this for about two weeks now I would say. Friday I finally broke down and went to the Dr. to talk things over and I am going to use some medication for some time to get through this, because running into the ER with these attacks is a joke. They lower your heart rate and blood pressure and send you home and you wait until it happens again.
What makes me the most said about all this anxiety is that I was probably having similar things go on for several years and was masking my emotions, feelings, thoughts with a fucking can of tobacco that was ruining my health even more. I have forgave myself for that and just looking to get things back in order. With my brothers and sisters of quit here at KTC I know I can make it through this, with the most sincerity I can possible say it with I am THANKFUL for each and every one of you guys and girls that have helped me along the way!! I just hope in some way I can pay it forward.
Rampant over and out!
PS: Fuck you Nic Rampant 67 QLMFer!