So i am on day 4 ...I dont think I could even explain what the last 3 days were like. I honestly feel like I have been living on a cloud.....yup a cloud...a giant cloud of this suck's balls, and I am sick of eating candy.
I woke up New Years day and just said " f-it .... I'm done". Figured I would drop this shit and not continue it for another minute in my life. I dont need it, I am 32, healthy, got a wife and kids I am sick of always freaking out when I canÂ’t find the can, or I run out, or when I need something to spit in, etc.....not to mention whole suicide thing, lets touch on that shall weÂ….
So, it was this past Monday I was in Wal-Mart wondering the store trying to keep my mind off of wanting a chew. It was also a chance to step out of my house cause the wife and kids were starting to catch a little attitude from me. So, there I am wondering around the store with a cart. I was reading packages, putting random things in my cart, people watching….all while every 30 seconds a picture of a chew can would flash in my mind. Odd…seriously odd. I decided to head to the checkout counter and see if they have any herbal chew…of course they didn’t. For a second I just stood there f-ing pissed. Really? Not even one can left? I thought for a second, “f – it…let’s just buy a can of grizzly and end this f-ng misery.” But right then and there it hit me…I actually caught eye contact with the price of the can’s I use to buy. I would probably say it had been a good 10 years since the last time I looked at the price of chew. I didn’t f-ing care how much the chew cost…I would have paid 20 a can…..seriously. – Back on topic here – I am staring at the price of the cans of chew…then start looking at all of them…I suddenly became a human calculator. I was a human “death” calculator. I started averaging how much money I had been paying in a sense to help kill myself….not to mention how many other people were doing the same. There is just something really wrong with this. I honestly could not get it out of my head. But after the thought of this wore off...my brain went back to trying to convince me we could handle dipping. I found myself quietly devising a plan within my head on how I could chew...but not every day. ---that went on for about 2 hours.
Yesterday had to be the worst day so far. I came home from work to an empty house. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the past few days, so I decided I would take advanvtage of the empty house and just take a nap. It took me like 30 seconds to fall asleep....but 20 minutes later I woke up in a panic, had no idea where I was, stood up, fell over my work bag and shoes, twisted my wrist when trying to catch myself...I was a hot mess. I stood yet again in the kitchen with the fridge open....looking at drinks and snacks...but I was in a fog thinking about just going and buying a can of chew and ending this BS.
Then no sleep again last night...when I did fall asleep I had dreams of chew and cigs...I had a dream that I was doing both at the same time...and I woke up pissed at myself....however...when the fog left my brain, I realized I am still holding out strong.
So here I am Â…day 4. Sucks a shit ton this quitting thingÂ…however, after what I have gone through over the past 4 daysÂ….I feel stronger...I know I have control now. I do not want to deal with this BS again. That round can packs an ass kickin no matter how you look at it. I will not let suicide be the way I end my life....no way...f- these tobacco companies and their bullshit.
Me ...Brandon...just spilling my thoughts...thanks for listening and "quit on!!!"
