Enough certainly is enough.
I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. While in Vegas on Wednesday for a 24 hour trip down to attend the viewing of my close friend who passed away I broke my quit. I purchased a pack of cigarettes and smoked about half of them, bumming most of the rest out and leaving the remaining couple in the pack at the hotel prior to leaving. I did not post roll that day because I intended to smoke and/or dip. It was a conscious decision which was well thought out in advance. For those of you who know me (as much as anyone does here) you know I am also sober (quit date was the same as my sober date).  I've remained sober and have no intention to drink/use. I'm actually about the best I've ever been with that aspect. My desire to drink/use has gone away, at least for the time being. I know I can enjoy life sober, but I digress..
I returned home and didn't smoke/dip and decided the Vegas smoking would be an isolated incident. I rationalized this and that and a few days later (Tuesday I think) I bought a can. I wasn't really sure where it was going. Since my friend's passing I've had some completely new views on life, one of which is I'm going to what makes me happy even if is against what I'm supposed to do. This was a large part of what led me to break my nic quit. But I quickly realized that being a slave to nicotine is not what I want to do/be and I can't just dip/smoke regularly without a high chance of becoming an everyday user again. It's just not an option. Also, for those of you who have thought about going back...it's not that great. The first cig felt nice but then I was pretty indifferent to it. The first dip was nice for about 5 mins and then it was just "meh". I even found myself forcing myself to dip again prior to having a craving (habits are a powerful thing).
So where does that leave me with KTC? Well, I've shit on Sep 11 and July 11 given the all or nothing nature of this site. My primary regret is that I may have weakened some resolves by deciding to use again. However, hopefully my choices will have the opposite effect. Knowing that all of that obsession about using again culminated in a lackluster finale with following dependency will hopefully steer people away. If you don't want to have to quit again, don't use again. It really isn't worth it.
So where does that leave me in life? I was going to continue to use through my friends formal service on Saturday and quit again Sunday. But, I can't keep doing it. Every time I took a dip I felt like a slave and a hypocrite. So my can was emptied and tossed this morning and I'm now a non smoker/dipper again.Â
I'm also quitting all of the other shit I've been meaning to off and on for years. All of it, all right now. Fuck waiting, life is short and I want my total freedom now. Even while not dipping/smoking/drinking I was a total addict. I just transferred my compulsive needs to other vices. There was little/no net progress.  But now I'm moving way beyond the scope of this thread/post.
I'm not going to be posting on KTC regularly anymore. I would like to stop in and say hi once in a while to July 11 and Sep 11 but if they don't want me to I understand.
Anyway, I am truly sorry if I weakened anyone's quit but this was something that I had to do. I had to 'go back out', see what I was missing (nothing), and move on to the next chapter. That's all for now, I could ramble on for hours.
I was here when you unpacked your bags. I watched you fail. I watched you get back up. Then I watched you fail again.
It was disappointing to read of your cave. It was even more disappointing that you chose to use an excuse to defend your cave. Yes, losing a friend is a bitch. No, it didn't have ANYTHING to do with you caving. At 600 days here, I KNOW you knew that. I KNOW that you knew it was a lie, a cop out when you posted that up as an excuse for your cave.
My disappointment turned to unbridled rage when I saw what you posted up in Alc Quit:
BtH - 537; Haven't posted here in over a week, doesn't appear anyone noticed (outside of my nic quit). I broke my nic quit. I'm still sober and am finally content with being sober for the unknown future. I'm the best I've ever been in that regard. Anyway, take care.
Doesn't appear that anybody noticed? WTF is that supposed to mean? You had a phone full of numbers. You knew where we were. You CHOSE to fail. Like LooT said: This failure is on you- and only you. To make an implication that people here were responsible in some way, that we were apathetic is a slap in the face. How dare you, indeed.....
Then there was this:
The Fuck Its (life is short, who gives a fuck) are battling the Fuck It's (Fuck addiction and all of the misery it brings). At this point I don't want to drink. I do want to smoke. And I am very unhappy that I will not be able to drink/bond/mourn with everyone (on the same level). Being sober I'll be on the outside of that, while doing it in my own way. Definitely an experience I would prefer to do intoxicated though. But I won't.
I have not experienced this much pain in a long time, if ever. Given where I've been mentally for the past 5 years or so and this new intense pain/loss, I imagine it will be a catalyst for some significant changes in my life. I do feel fortunate today to be able to experience life. Every little thing seems significant, because these are all things that my friend will never experience again. I sat in the rain last night feeling the sensation of it hitting my skin, both in appreciation of being able to experience that and also in sorrow in that my friend cannot. Anyway...I will get through it and I will see where I'm at then.
Really????? Your post on the 15th said you are content being sober - Read the above and tell me why I think that is bullshit! In some ways this seems to me like the fable “The Emperor's New Clothes”. We can all see your nakedness. I think deep down, you can too – and I think it frightens you enough that you don't want to face it.
BtH, Ever since you got here, you were too good for any program. Like an incorrigible teen, you bucked any structure, any discipline. You have been here a total of about 600 days. In the practical sense, you learned nothing. Nada. Zero. Squat. Zilch. Whenever anybody talked to you about a program, you philosophized. You argued. You implied that programs were for the un-enlightened. That attitude is familiar with addicts. It is the attitude of failure. We can smell it from a mile off – so please, if you ever come back here, leave that refuse at the door, because I for one and going to put a boot in your ass if I ever read that drivel again.
Finally: A failure can be two things: A learning experience that causes fundamental change in thinking, or just another sad testimony of your self destruction. Based on the things documented here, I think you are a LONG way from your personal rock bottom. I think this failure is an omen of things to come in other areas of your life. I can only hope that you hit rock bottom without killing yourself or anybody else. Good luck.
30yrAddict.
