Howgoodgodis. I'm late on my intro, sorry fella's. I'm on day 26 today. First of all, I thank all of October for posting roll every day with me. It does make a world of difference knowing that you fella's are going through the same hell that I am. This has been a hard damn road and it has sucked ass! The headaches, the anxiety, the mood swings. It has sucked! On July the 15 I came home from working yet another 24 hour shift and decided not to take a nap even though I hadn't slept any the night prior due to a busy shift of sick and injured people calling 911. The family was awake and the kids missed Daddy. My truck was having mechanical issues so I had drove the wife's van the day prior. Well, while I was playing with the kids my wife decided it was a good day to clean out the van. Soooo, guess what? I had forgotten all about the empty can that I had left in the center console that I was going to throw away BEFORE I got home. Uh-huh, here we go, my bubble was about to be busted.
Ok, lets back up real quick. I was introduced to nicotine prior to birth when mom smoked while I was in the womb, mom and dad still smoke, all my aunts and uncles either smoked or dipped, so I thought it was what one did when they became an adult. Evidently, I decided I would get a jump on being grown up so I started smoking at the age of 12. When I got married, I told my wife that once she was pregnant I would quit. My son was 9 months old when I had my wisdom teeth pulled and I quit smoking, reluctantly. Once I wasn't worried about dry socket I chewed nic gum to kill the cravings. I chewed that crap for a little over year while my wife kept telling me that I needed to wean myself off the gum so that I could be free. I didn't want to, I still loved nicotine and couldn't imagine my life without her.
While working construction one day a buddy offered me a dip. It gave me the worst heartburn on the face of the planet and I spit it out and said no thanks. The next day when I showed up on the job site I looked at my buddy and said, “Hey let me try another dip.” He obliged and so continued my dance with the nic whore. From that day forward I became a ninja dipper to my family. I don't know how I was able to keep that secret from my wife, I thought for sure she knew, but she didn't. One day when I was completely fed up with myself and the nic habit I confessed to my wife about my dipping. She was shocked. She said that she had no idea. Dang, I was more ninja than I thought! I told my wife that I would no longer sneak around. That was a hard time because she couldn't believe that I would lie to her for six damn years. I recounted to her the story of how I had once walked 3 miles in 2 feet of snow just to get a pack of smokes. Looking back I have gone to great lengths many times to feed this stupid addiction.
Last November I made yet another attempt to quit and made it a couple of weeks. I really have no idea how long because I didn't keep track. My heart really wasn't in it. My wife took me at my word and left me to it. Once again that nic bitch grabbed me and once again I became a ninja. What the hell was I thinking? I really don't have a clue. It started with one dip and then another and another. The next thing I knew I was dipping a can a day again and two cans when I worked a 24 hour shift.
Alright, so while I was having a good time with the kids and working on a project for my wife, my beautiful bride comes walking in after searching the van and says,” can I talk to you?” I say,”sure, what's up?” She motions me to our bedroom where it is more private and I'm thinking OK this must be serious but I can't imagine what is going on. Once in the room, she doesn't say anything at first, she pulls the empty can out of her pocket and on the inside I say to myself, ”Oh shit.” Of course she was hurt because I had been lying to her again. That was hard. I have always been a man of integrity except when it came to nicotine. The nic bitch is the most deceitful whore I have ever known. With just one look from my wife, the reality and gravity of my sin smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks. The shame of that weighed heavily on me. What a dumbass that I allowed this addiction to make me into.
My wife acted out of love. She was very stern but forgiving. She made sure she knew where I stood and where I desired to stand before she continued. I confirmed that I really did want to quit. One of the things that really pushed me over the edge was Tom and Jenny Kerns story. I read this story to my wife and could hardly finish it because of the tears in my eyes. I imagined my own children yelling at me, “don't go.” I DON'T want to go out like that. I know this crap would kill me if I allowed too. It was that night that I posted roll for the first time and now 26 days later I'm still in the fight. I will NOT allow the nic bitch to win this fight. She had a hold on me for far to long! Her dominion is over. Howgoodgodis. How good god is that he directed me to this site. How good god is that he allowed me to walk through this with some guys that are going through the same thing as me, and that are willing to fight through this with me, as brothers. How good god is that he gave me such a loving and forgiving wife. How good god is that nicotine is losing the fight. How good god is that I can live my life without a big cat turd in my mouth and recover my integrity. The list gos on and on with how good god is, that his mercy and faithful love endures forever. How good god is! Thank you God for killthecan. He led me here, and I'm here to stay. I'm here to stay quit. I quit with all of you today, one day at a time.
