Help A Lady Out, Gents?

[Wt57]

I wanted to bump your post back up to the top. I see you have still been checking in with us. A recent post that you may want to have your hubby read is: Cdaniels oral surgeon visit. When I wasn't ready to quit it probably wouldn't have affected me but today it motivate the hell out of me.

[pavetheway]

sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.

But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?

In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".

For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?

Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌

Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.

There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.

Roam needs to get in here. His wife found this site for him.

Absolutely! And I fought her tooth and nail! What ole loot sugests is what actually got me hooked. I started browsing just a bit, reading a little, next thing I knew I was in it head first and for the long haul. My wife just kept with the gentle nudges as she knew I could not be pushed. But I gave in and checked it out....272 days later, here i is. Nic free.

'clap'

[Roamcountry]

sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.

But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?

In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".

For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?

Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌

Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.

There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.

Roam needs to get in here. His wife found this site for him.

Absolutely! And I fought her tooth and nail! What ole loot sugests is what actually got me hooked. I started browsing just a bit, reading a little, next thing I knew I was in it head first and for the long haul. My wife just kept with the gentle nudges as she knew I could not be pushed. But I gave in and checked it out....272 days later, here i is. Nic free.

[loot]

Normal? Normal?

Chances are he does not remember himself without nicotine...so what exactly is normal? If his normal is with nicotine...no, he ain't gonna be normal. It took ol LOOT a long, long time to come to terms with normal. We are addicts. We are not normal. But then again...who is normal? Who gets to determine normal?

Quitting nicotine is a great experience in self discovery. You can't remember how you acted before...so you get to "create" a new you. Find new patterns. New routines. In many ways you get to determine how a clean you gets to act/react.

What the hell is normal anyway?

[GR8WHITEBUFFALO]

Tell him there are 14 thousand of us waiting to help him quit.

[cowboysgirl]

Thank you for your replies and advice, Diesel, Mike, Wedge and Thor. So much of what you're saying has been part of me and the Cowboy's long discussions about quitting: his fears that wanting the snuff will never go away, that it'll never get better, that he'll be suffering for months and waiting for that magic day when it'll click and he'll finally be NORMAL, like what you said, Diesel, but mostly trying to learn to live and function without it every day (really, when something is so enmeshed into your daily routine, removing it suddenly leaves these gaping holes).

My mom was a smoker for about 40 years before she finally quit cold turkey, and she said that that was the biggest thing she struggled with--all the unconscious habits, the associations (meals, phone calls, etc), the simple mechanical oral habit. But she beat it. I think she's coming up on six smoke-free years this June.

When it finally dawned on me that I did not have the world's worst addiction to nicotine like I had believed, I started to get strong.

Mike, it must be that every dipper thinks he has the worst addiction and is completely beyond hope. Cowboy told me the same thing last night during a heartfelt discussion. I wonder how much of that is just simple fear, or maybe the evil hold of the addiction trying to keep him from being cured. Really, the more I look at nicotine and the lives it's destroyed, the more I begin to believe that it's a tool of Satan.

In any case, I told him about my experience on KTC, and how awesome the outpouring of support has been, how he doesn't have to be the Lone Ranger when it comes to quitting, that's he's got a whole network of great guys who can help him in a way that I can't. All he has to do is reach out. I think the message is starting to get through (and without me pushing, forcing, or guilting--all I'm doing is pointing to the computer and saying "It can be easier--you have nothing to lose by trying.")

Again, thanks so much to everyone who has commented (and are still commenting). You're all so great, I can't say it enough. Rock on. :D

[Diesel2112]

I didn't find my "want to" until about 60-70 days into my quit. I never even wanted to quit until I had a sore on my lip, thought it was cancer, had a panic attack, and ended up in the hospital.

Turned out everything was fine, but I thought, "well dummy, maybe its time to quit". I thought it would be easy...WRONG!!! I often refer to myself as the biggest wussy this site has ever seen. I was a basket case when I quit. I even left this site for awhile, because I was scared of what I was reading.

I only thought about the physical dammage dip could do. I had no idea the mental stranglehold it had on me. I really fought my quit in the beginning. I wanted to be "healed" and I wanted it NOW and if I wasn't gonna come NOW then God Dammit somebody tell me the exact fucking date (excuse my language) when I would feel "normal " again.

Of course that was not possible and all the great guys on here kept telling me "hang in there, it will get better". I HATED HEARING THAT AND DID NOT BELIEVE THEM. But...for some reason I kept quit.

Finally around day 60 or so it hit me..."you can quit this crap. You just lived 2 months of your life without your best buddy and didn't die". Not only did I not die I started to feel pretty darn good but more than that I felt PROUD. PROUD that I stuck with it, proud that I didn't cave, proud that I was getting my freedom back, and proud that these assholes who kept encouraging me were right.

Once I had that pride and gained confidence my quit took off like a rocket. 229 days later I can honestly say it was the best decision I've ever made...and I didn't even WANT to quit. I just thought I should.

Not sure if this helps you mam but just wanted to give you an example of someone finding their "want to" 2 months after they quit.

[pavetheway]

sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.

But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?

In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".

For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?

Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌

Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.

There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.

Roam needs to get in here. His wife found this site for him.

[MikeWC]

Kitty, I chewed for 34 years. I started at age 10. I joined this site over a year before I made a post, I had wanted to quit for many years but I was so afraid that I would not be able to do anything without the can in my pocket and the crap in my lip. I read a lot on this site and developed a great admiration for the quitters here, I wanted to be one but I didn't think I could ever be as strong as these wonderful people. When it finally dawned on me that I did not have the world's worst addiction to nicotine like I had believed, I started to get strong. I was tired of the addiction, tired of being ashamed of myself, tired of being me....I wanted to find out who I really am. I didn't know because I had started this addiction at such an early age. By reading everyone's stories I realized that I needed this group if I was going to face this addiction head on. My wife never once told me she wanted me to quit, but when I told her it was time and I needed to get in the ring with my problem I could see relief in her face. She put up with my moodiness and really showed me how much she loves me by listening to my incoherent rants at times. My advice?....get into the chat room and invite your husband to sit next to you. We can help, we are all addicts. Mike

[Wedge]

cowboysgirl,


I have to add my 2 cents to this. I have found myself analyzing why some people join this site and stick with it and why others don't since I joined myself almost 300 days ago. The bottom line is....

"until it clicks, you aren't going to quit."

The thing that makes it click for any of us can be any number of options, but those things WILL be and HAVE to be ones that we want for ourselves. It sounds selfish, but it really isn't. They might want to keep their jaw and tongue, save money, save their marriage, improve their health, improve their image, or just want to take their life back as coachdoc said below. Short list of the many reasons that we find ourselves posting on this site. But the bottom line is, until it sinks in his own head, there is nothing that you can do. Nothing any of us can do.

I have seen dozens of guys post here anything from a couple of days to a couple of months just disappear. Many of them confirming our of suspicions that they are back in the can, but most we never know. Almost all of them say at some point that "they get it!!!". They see how this site works and that they want to quit for XYZ reason and that they know they can quit with this site. They really do know that they can quit. They have read the stories mentioned by my fellow quitters below, they have seen the successes and the failures. Yet they still set themselves up for failure because they WANT to fail. That thing for them hasn't quite clicked yet. No amount of cancer scares, lost teeth, bad breath, increased tobacco taxes, or constant sore throats will make you jump to the safe side of the fence until you just want to do it. It's black and white. Either you want to quit or you don't.

What I'm getting at is that you can lead a horse to water.....even though he finds his way here, until it sinks in for him he won't truly be quit. I can only imagine how frustrating, infuriating, and confusing it can be for you (as it was for my wife for the 10+ years I have known her and the 16+ years for my family) as a spouse to see someone you love continually play Russian Roulette on a can by can basis.

I don't say these things to discourage you or to devalue this website. In fact, quite the opposite. This website, I believe, has saved my life. Just trying to make sure you know that this isn't a "magic potion" that as soon as you find it you get clean. If the true wanting and the true will is there, he can and will quit for good within these pages.

I urge you to come here, daily if you have the want or the need, and just read. Feel free to post questions or comments. Hopefully, your husband will wonder what you are doing on the computer and you have your chance to have that serious talk. No pushing, no yelling, no threatening, and surely no ultimatums. But you will be able to tell him that this site gives you hope that he can save his life. That his constant abuse of his health and wallet have pushed you to pursue an outlet of your fear. You are a women, and women have their own special way of planting seeds in our head of what we need to do so I'll leave that to you of what to say and how to say it.

After seeing how dumb I was for almost the length of a generation, I feel and share your pain.

[Enraged Thor]

sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.

But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?

In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".

For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?

Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌

I found my desire to quit when I spit out half a tooth, half of the exact tooth where I put my dip.

My wife had expressed before that she wanted me to quit. Mainly through jokes which I knew were half serious. Eventually she started buying it for me without me asking. I actually quit before I finshed the first log she ever bought me.

Just love him. Sweetly, and rarely, express to him every now and then that you don't like it and would appreciate if he stopped. Otherwise, not much else you can do. If I may remind you of the old age saying that my wife seems to live by "You get more peas with honey".

The addiction is forcing him to do things he doesnt want to, the last thing he needs is something else doing that too. Give him as much space about the subject as you can, but be sure to remind him very occasionally.

[Wt57]

I'm gonna have my wife pm you.

[cowboysgirl]

DTrainMurphyTX,

I'm nodding my head as I read your post. My husband has been in pretty much all of those situations; missing out on tasting something I cooked, kissing me and leaving crumbs of tobacco on my lips (gross), the un-handsome way he looks when he packs a dip into his upper lip... He was dipping when I married him, and I love him despite this vice, but he promised to quit, and... well, I hope that he'll honor that promise.

Thank you for the well-wishes, Tex--and congrats on your 68 days of freedom! :D

And thanks for pointing me in the right direction, loot. (We don't have a laptop or smartphones, though--we is po'... Which is another great reason to quit!) but I'll be sure to check out some of those HOF stories, though. If it'll get him buddied up here at KTC, hubby can spend as much time on the computer as he wants. I'll just do what my ancestors did and read a book. :P

[loot]

sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.

But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?

In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".

For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?

Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌

Grab a laptop or an ipad and show him the site. Tell him you found it for him. Tell him you would appreciate it if he spent some time looking around...then, let him be. If he's remotely interested in quitting, the "Holy hell man...I am not alone!" feeling will hit him. Once it does, the wheels will start turning. That's all you can do...get the wheel to turning in that pea brain of his.

There are lots of GREAT HOF speeches. Hopefully a couple guys will post links to their favorites for you. Maybe show him a couple of those.

[DTrainMurphyTX]

Kitty -

I'm 43, used Cope for 34 years, now quit for 68 days thanks in good part to the KTC Brotherhood.

My "want to" came from the realization that my depression was a result of knowingly choosing Copenhagen over my 3 daughters, my wife, my family, and my own life. I literally had that internal dialog with myself a few years ago at the end of a failed quit...and I chose Copenhagen! The guilt and shame took a heavy toll on me (and may continue to do so for some time).

Things that had little or no bearing on my quit: Wife nagging (she and my oldest daughter gave up years ago). My middle daughter giving me lots of crap and actually hiding or throwing my cans away on occasion. My 2 year old daughter walking around spitting. Dad dying 2 years ago from cancer (smoker). Having several spots removed from my lips/cheeks over the last 12 years. Rotten ass spit cans from the Texas heat sitting in my truck. Seeing EVERY picture of yourself with a huge lip full of cancer. Not being able to kiss your wife. Passing on that cookie your daughter just made because you had a huge lip full of cancer. Many, many more.

I have a long way to go but after 68 days of being nicotine, guilt, and shame free I haven't felt better since my 20's

I wish you and your husband the very best.