I think I should entitle this post meaningless drivel.....
I think I have found my way out of my week long funk and things seem to be getting a bit brighter, but know I could be right back in it at anytime.
A few observations about my quit, and please understand this may or may not pertain to you, and each of us has a different story and different experience as we work through our quit.
Before I quit I was chewing about a can a day of Copenhagen it felt like it was constantly in my lip. I had become so good at hiding it from everyone, for fear of my kids asking questions or hearing the comments of it being a disgusting habit (which it is) that I seldom spit. Which in it self disgusts me now, knowing what I was swallowing and what it was doing to my body.
I had been thinking about quiting for the better part of a year, and knew the day was coming sooner or later, but just kept finding reasons why today was not the right day. Looking back, I can't believe I waited so long, I had no idea how addicted I was until I started to experience the symptoms of my body trying to live without it. I remember about day 3 stepping out my front door to go for a run and feeling like the whole world was spinning. The odd thing that occurred to me was it was the same feeling I experienced the first time I tried chew when i was 16. I can honestly say I don't ever want to feel that from using or not using tobacco products again.
I sit here and I try and think about what made November 7th the day I chose to undertake this journey of riddding myself of all nicotine, and honestly... I don't know. I just decided I was done. I went to the store and I bought some nicotine gum and decided I wasn't going to go downt hat path again. I can say as I sit here now, I had one piece of that nicotine gum on day 2 and haven't touched it since. I wish I had a silver bullet or a sense of what caused me to decide to quit on November 7th. I know I wanted to do it for my family, I want to see them all grow up and grow old with my wife, but it just feels like it was for me. I made the decision, no input from anyone and not a for specific reason, just that it was time. Which thinking about it now, probably makes it all that much more gratifying.
Where am I at now, things seem to be getting better, I think you can all tell from my first post earlier this week that I am still battling. However, not the battle that I expected at this stage. I go through periods where I am restless and I have little patience, or find myself in a funk not really understanding why or how I got there. But, I don't find myself jonesing for chew, yes I do have cravings but they are fleeting. I don't have a huge problem walking into a store and seeing cans in the rack and being tempted, I know I will never make that purchase again. I see someone chewing and it doesn't ellicit temptation, I am good with never putting the shit in my body again. But man do I wish I would just get to the other side of some of the mental struggles I am dealing with from what I presume is me quiting. Maybe it's not, maybe there is something else making me feel like I am crazy, but I sure can't put my finger on it.
Anyway, just some Friday ramblings as we work toward the weekend. I hope nobody takes any of this the wrong way, it is meant to be just meaningless drivel as I stated at the beginning. Something I can look at and know where I was today as I work through my quit.
One thing is for certain I am as committed to quitting today as I was yesterday, and will be just as committed tomorrow.
