I wrote the following at a rough time in my quit. I think I was about 116 days quit at the time and possibly in a bit of a funk. My girlfriend was out of town for the weekend visiting her parents. I was all by myself. Instead of running to a corner store, I stuck close to this site and wrote down my frustrations. I wrote them at around 3 or 4 a.m. I was still dealing with insomnia at the time and it was not helping my quit. I have had this saved on my computer for almost 89 days. I didn't reread it until just know. It isn't finished but maybe it could be helpful to others here. I know I will look back at it from time to time to help me deal with upcoming difficult times in my quit. Alright, stay quit everyone. Never Again for Any Reason!
Here is what I wrote on December 03, 2011:
Does anybody else feel like a piece of trash for what they have done to friends and family while were using chewing tobacco? I think about it sometimes. A lot lately. Maybe I am in a little funk. It is kind of pathetic to think about how I used to be a slave to such a stupid thing. More often early in my quit, but less now I have a hard time believing that I am quit. I thought for so long, “Well, this is just something that will always be a part of my life.” But now that has changed. I do not need it. I don’t want it.
I may just be ranting and raving a bit but I have been trying harder and harder to remember those first few days. I would like to try and write them down if thatÂ’s cool with you guys.
I remember my last can of chew. I remember it well. I was on the end of the dock down by the lake. I had been fishing and decided on one last pouch before I shut the door on nicotine. I remember it wasnÂ’t even that good. In some idiotic way, I felt like I had to have one last one. Anyway, it sucked. I took it out and threw it in the lake. I then took the rest of a rather new tin and dumped it out into the lake off the end of the dock. I still remember what those little cancer pouches looked like when they were slowing sinking in the water.
Fishing and chewing go way back for me. Back then, you couldnÂ’t go fishing without a tin. I remember one really early morning, a few years back, I was living alone on a lake here in Iowa. I got a call from my buddy at 5 A.M. and two minutes later a call from my mom. Two of my real good friends got into a car accident. My one friend had been burned badly, but was going to live, probably. My other buddy was killed immediately and pronounced dead on the scene. I remember lying in bed just stunned. It was early and I knew I couldnÂ’t go back to sleep. I grabbed my rods; tackle box and my tin to go have a chew down on the dock and think about life. It was all I could do at that moment. All morning I got more and more texts or calls telling me what I already knew. I should probably mention that they were on the way to go fishing off my dock that morning. I donÂ’t ever want to feel that way again. The mere fact that I felt I needed to have a chew to deal with that situation makes me sad. I didnÂ’t need it to deal with my friendÂ’s death. I thought I did, but I did not. It was the nicotine. That horrible bitch nicotine. SheÂ’ll tell you that it will make it easier. It wonÂ’t be as hard. ItÂ’s all bullshit lies. Fuck that shit! I hate the thought of being a slave to that shit for so long and through some of the most difficult moments of my life.
But I was fed up. I closed the door. I knew it would be hard even before finding this site. I knew it would be hard because nothing worth having in this world ever comes easy. You have to put up with a lot of stress, anguish, and bullshit to get what you want. If it was easy to quit nicotine, then everybody would do it. ITÂ’S NOT EASY! We all need help!
Then I found this site. It changed my life. It really did. ItÂ’s hard to put yourself out there and engage with other quitters when you are at a very low point in your life. The first few days were a low point in mine. I remember exactly what I had to do on my second day quit. I had to check and set snapping turtle traps all over the county. Literally the day before, I was doing this by myself with a chew in. It is tough work. Those snapping turtles are mean sons of bitches. Anyway, that second day was filled with headaches, fatigue and sunflower seeds. I went through a whole bag in a few hours. My mouth tasted like salted shit after that day was finished. We did the same thing for the next 3 days in a row. We caught some nice turtles too. I got through my first five days without this site, by keepin' the fuck busy trapping turtles and eating seeds. It sucked real bad. I do not want to go through it again.
