Like so many on here I was an embarrassed ninja dipper. I hid it so well for so long that I started to believe I really didn't have an issue, I had everyone else fooled and even fooled myself. If my wife ever found loose tobacco in my car or stain on my shirt I would shrug it off as an occasional habit, she is not dumb and knew I was lying to her. I knew subconsciously if I told her during these times I had a problem she would tell me to quit, I knew lying was the only way to continue this awful habit.
I started dipping about 10 years ago in college, Grizzly wintergreen was my friend got me through everything or so I thought. Thinking back now I got me through all the ups and downs Grizzly only made things harder. Ninja dipping is very stressful, going for random car rides to "get gas before the morning", or to "pick up ice cream" or "get iced coffee" because I didn't feel like coffee at home, all bs and lies I told myself and my wife just to spit this cancer juice into a bottle. I have been feeling more and more guilty, staying up late just to dip, tucking my wife in and telling her I have to finish up a few things, really just going to dip. Waking up exhausted from staying up to late, dipping in the AM to wake back up, taking 30 minute breaks at work to dip in the bathroom, constantly monitoring my full tins to make sure I always have enough. I am slave to this stuff, until now reflecting back I didn't realize how bad it was, I had myself fooled as well as everyone else. In reflecting I feel like I was living a double life, normal non addict by day and full on addict whenever I could without anyone knowing.
I went on a cruise this year, instead of enjoying it and looking forward to it my first thought was how the hell am I going to dip secretly on the ship. I smuggled 3 tins on, not hidden from the cruise people searching my bag, hidden from my wife. I usually dip 1-2 cans a day, these 3 tins were going to last me 7 days the thought of this was stressful enough. Sick just sick thinking about it now, this stuff had a handle on my life. I've tried to quit on my own so many times before, I can always get past the initial physical addiction it is the mental triggers that always get me. I am determined this time! Today is day 5 since my last tin I am starting to get out of the fog and really excited to beat this for good.
I am trying to think ahead about what my major triggers are and hoping that this along with KTC's amazing posts will help me for good! My major triggers upcoming are I am going to be in a car by myself for 3 hours! this is a major one this would with no doubt be a full tin gone. The simple thought of this drive without it is stressing me out, however I know I can do it and I know once I do it, it will be a huge victory. I need to rewire my brain, and I know if will not be an overnight process. It took me 10 years to this point and I wouldn't be surprised if it takes me 10 years to get out of this.
I am doing it for myself this time I am tired of feeling like I am owned by something! I am tired of lying! I am tired of spending money on this awful habit! Ninja dipping costs a fortune because you are never buying in bulk. Sometimes in the past I've used half a tin and thrown it out because I couldn't hide it while on vacation. I looked at my credit card bill and stopping every day to buy 2 tins a Snapple and sometimes a water to dump out is costing me about $300+ a month! This is money I could use to go on a nice vacation or take my wife out.
This week has been rough but I will not cave this time. Thanks for listening it feels good to get this out, as I am a Ninja dipper I have no one that knows how bad it was and for that reason I cannot turn to them. Any support out there would mean the world to me.
