Well, lets just call me Slick.
I turn 40 at the end of June 2016.
It all started on a back porch at the young age of 14. My pap (Grandfather), on my dad's side. My pap chewed. Big guy, he could carry an iron railroad tie across the back of his shoulders. He worked in a machine shoppe when he was not busting skulls as Justice of the Peace in the small neighborhood I grew up in.
So I learned to chew from him. I never really stopped. I never really abused tobacco until I hit my late 30's. I would smoke a couple cigars, have a chew or 2, drink some whiskey. I was on top of the world. Wrong... so wrong I was and still am.
I quit for good May 28th, 2016. before the 28th, I did not touch the dreaded weed since May 1, 2016. But I had a moment to be alone. I wanted to know what it would feel like again. In short, I kept it in for 10-15 minutes. Spit it out and threw the can in the trash. In the past, when I threw the can in the trash, I would go fish it back out a couple hours later. But this time was different. I let it go. Now, i have 2 cans in the basement freezer that I know I have to deal with. They have been down there since the beginning of MAY. I totally dread going down there to handle them, so they shall stay buried in the bottom of the chest freezer until I feel pretty confident that I can man up and go trash them instead of trying to sell them on ebay. I just say that because I hate wasting money.
Anyways, day 13.. I do not like the number 13... but today has been odd. I posted last week about embalming a guy who had oral cancer. it is not the first time, I have embalmed every kind of case you could think of. Pieced a lot of them back together as well. But for some reason, this one choked me up. I hardly ever connect the dots with the deceased because just like 1st responder's, I would end up being a basket case, drinking and rocking myself to sleep in a corner of the room at night because my mind would not let go of the images etched into it.
I got extremely angry.... my temper is a short fuse to begin with because I ate a shit sandwich for 10 years of my career until I piped up and took charge of it. Anyways, I was angry... I was angry at this guy... I was angry that I was headed down the same road as this guy..... and I wondered.... how the bloody hell did this guy let it go this far!!!!! How am I traveling down the same path as this guy missing his upper pallet, lower left jaw and tongue. pathetic. he did it to himself and I am doing it to myself too!!
I always threw a chew in before embalming.... I been embalming the last 13 days without it. I feel great. I wake up at night almost drowning in spit. I have to sit up, cough and grasp for air.
I think I am having chew dreams.
On another note: I dunno what it is but water taste buttery to me. It taste like there is butter in it. Am I crazy?
I am headed back to the gym. I felt great my college days going to the gym every night at 9 PM. I think it is time to get back in there and pray I do not blow anything out and end up on the injured reserve list for weeks/months. My best friends from school do not do any form of tobacco but they do hit the gym every night at the age of 40 and 41. Wish they lived closer to me.
Well that is me.
I need some support. I am not afraid to ask you all for it. HELP! some days I want to isolate myself. Other days I am on top of the world..... my only advise.... STAY BUSY!!!.. do not let your mind take you down a bad road. You will find yourself in ditch on the road of life. ONLY you can pull yourself out of that ditch and get on the right path... ONLY YOU!
;)
