Holy crap, I'm 67% done and I'm getting excited. I wasn't supposed to get excited. Every other time I've tried to quit, it has loomed over my head weeks before the date and by the time I was ready to stop, I would already nearly be having a panic attack. But this time is different. This time, I actually want to stop early. The author of the e-book reminds me to keep smoking while reading the book but I'm so excited that I want to stop now. I follow his instructions and keep acting normal as I edge closer and closer to 100% on the Kindle app. I check the percentage almost every time I turn the page. The reading is getting better and better, preparing me for the change that I've committed to. I have 2 cigarettes left in my pack and I'm lighting one of them. At 78% done with the book, I now realize that I'm going to have to go out to my car and grab another pack from the carton in my car before this is over. I'm actually disappointed that I'll have more smoking in my future than that one cigarette left in my pack. In all previous attempts to quit smoking having the chance to add a few more cig's before letting go would have been a relief but now I just wanted to have that taste out of my mouth permanently and I was getting excited about the prospect kissing my wife after work deeply and passionately as I come in the door after work. I haven't done that for so many years because she isn't a smoker and a deep kiss isn't something she really enjoys unless I brush and use mouthwash and even then she'll sometimes let me know that the smell was still there.
But the time was getting closer. Allan had opened my eyes to things that I have been ignoring for years without wasting my time by reminding me of all the things I've known since my sister and I campaigned for our Dad to quit smoking about 30 years ago. I now understand that I am an addict, not just someone with a bad habit. I understand that nicotine does not fill the void, it creates it. I understand that there is a long list of reasons for being a non-smoker and I can't tell you how hard I laughed when reading chapter 21. (don's skip ahead, you'll get to it at the right time if you read it) I'm sure my neighbors thought I was crazy. In my own words, I have realized that as I feel the pangs of a "nic fit" that I am truly not wanting a cigarette.... I am wanting to get back to that normal feeling that being a non-smoker can feel like. A cigarette will not create a permanent peace in my chest, it will make me rest in peace. It is not a cigarette that will make that feeling go away. It is a combination of the certainty that I have ingested the last bit of poison that I will ever purposely consume combined with time. THAT is what will relieve me from the discomfort I will go thru. I had been brainwashed to believe that it is a cigarette that will keep me happy and calm but I know have opened my eyes to realize that my wife is happy and calm without smoking! I DON'T NEED THE CIGARETTE TO STAY CALM! Holy crap, I am ready. Why is this book not ending already. He has started trying to recruit me into his army of "quit smoking" specialists and spreading the word of his awesome book (he really thinks highly of his message). OK, now he's listing some phone numbers for help lines etc. I'm sure he'll get on to the final word and review the instructions one last time any mome........ um..... wait...... Did I just read that right....? I spark up. The book has ended. I am re-reading his instructions for the final cigarette and I follow them to the letter.
The first drag, was one like many others before it. The second, I really closed my eyes and focused on the taste and feeling I got. I remember very clearly that taste that I had conned myself into thinking was good. Man is that nasty. I remember the feeling in my chest as I wheezed out the third or 4th drag. I really focused on the way my chest felt. I took one last drag (I was barely more than 1/2 way finished) as a kind of tribute to the little monster inside me "getting a cigarette before execution". After that, I put the butt into an overflowing ashtray and proceed to text my sister (I love you LHG) and let her know that I have finally become a non-smoker for good. I take the next few minutes to find all of the crap that I will never need again and throw it all away. Obviously the butts but the ash trays as well (I'm the only smoker that visits my home). I go out to my car and smile as I notice I've got 3 packs left. I've never done this before but I enjoyed opening brand new packs, pulling out the cigarettes and holding them under running water as I tear the whole pack in half. Doing that 3 times with a smile on my face was a very new sensation to me. My family was tied up in their own business and didn't notice. I like it better that way because although I love my wife and would give my life for hers, I had to save my life for me. This wasn't about her or my wonderful stepson. It is about me and my decision to open my eyes and really see how I have been living. As I stand outside taking out the trash, I give something a try. I say out loud "I am a non-smoker" to see how it sounds coming out of my mouth. It makes me smile. It gives me a touch of confidence. It makes me stand up straighter. I feel good. No, I actually feel great.
I pull up the website my sister (thanks again LHG) has been telling me about. It's a bit clunky for my taste and not the thing I'm used to but from my sisters account, it has the power to save my life. I don't need the website. No, I'm a non-smoker for life. (calm down y'all) That the truth but I also know that, just because I am a non smoker, that doesn't mean that the next few weeks will be easy. Then it hits me. What if I'm wrong? What if I do need this place that makes me copy and paste a bunch of crap just to "post roll". What if I have a 90% chance of succeeding with the information from the book, but the website makes that 92% or 98%? Don't I owe it to myself past, present and future to take that extra step? I log in, introduce myself and, holy crap! people are excited to see me. Does my sister actually have that many people that like her on this website? That can't be it. It must be me! I'm that awesome and easy to like and people are excited to have me here! Wait, I know me. I'm not actually THAT awesome and no one has really had the chance to figure that out either. Holy Shit! These people are actually this interested in helping me because they simply know I need help. These people fucking rock! I'm being bombarded with well wishers and people happy that my sister finally got her little brother to get off his ass and quit already. They truly seemed proud of me for doing it. Proud..... I haven't felt that way in a while but I'm starting to remember what it was like to enjoy that feeling.
The night was a blur with live chat whipping in front of my eyes so fast, I could hardly keep up and also look at my first PM with someone giving me their phone number. (If I had only thought of THIS trick when I was 17 I would be rolling in the digits ^_^ ) One of these days I'll figure out how to bring up that PM and actually write down that persons name and number. At this point, it's a complete mystery. I was also directed by someone to "write a fucking intro already" or something to that effect. To that mystery person, I hope you are reading this........
For nearly 20 years, nicotine has told me what to do 10-30 times a day. It didn't take no for an answer. It demanded, and instructed without regard to my needs and wants. My answer was almost always "Yes sir, may I have another?" With that in mind, to that person that told me to write an intro so eloquently, I smile and tell you, "Go fuck yourself". I don't blindly take orders anymore. If I can say "no" to that little monster inside me that wants something it can no longer have, I can surely stand up to some pushy guy in a chat room. The irony of the fact that my reply is going here in my intro isn't lost on me but I didn't do the intro last night when he told me to so, I think I win. B)
As I write this, I was called upstairs to say goodnight to my wife. I am nearly 24 hours without nicotine. In past attempts, I become unhinged at hour 12-18 and thoroughly loose my shit for the next couple days until someone tells me to "go smoke". Tonight, as I kiss my wife goodnight, she tells me that I am in a better mood than I've been in a very long time. My mood has actually improved from when I was smoking. I am within the first 3 days of not smoking and somehow, miraculously my mood has actually improved? I tell you what, I have drank the cool-aide and let me tell you, it tastes good.
If there are any smokers out there (Sorry guys, LHG told me to post here instead of whackthepack. Blame her) that are having a hard time with it, PLEASE pick up his book immediately and read as fast as you can. If you have already quit but are being tempted, follow all of the rules except the one about smoking while reading the book. As I have mentioned in the first couple paragraphs, there are some very simple ideas in that book that opened my eyes to a truth that I've never been able to see. I know that as long as I have my head on straight, I will never crave a cigarette again. Nothing containing nicotine will ever tempt me again. I no longer crave nicotine..... I CRAVE FREEDOM!!!!!
For the last 24 hours, I have adopted two different methods for staying calm when I'm feeling "that" feeling.
1. I remind myself that there is a "little monster" and I am starving him out. I'm going to kill him for all the crap he did to me while making me feed him. He is going to die. Die mother fucker, die. It is not ME that has the want, it is him.
2. It is not the nicotine that I truly crave, it's the freedom from the withdrawal... a withdrawal that I've been feeling on and off for nearly 20 years. If I felt it 20 times a day for 20 years, I can surely put up with it for 45 times a day for 3 weeks.
I will never smoke again. I am a non-smoker. Thank God that my eyes have been opened and that I have friends here to make sure it stays that way.
