i've been reading a lot of new intros today. it helps my quit, and i recommend it to those that are just one step ahead of the rookies here. in these introductions, i've noticed a lot of hoping, trying, giving my best shot, gotta work this time, etc. while i know it's normal (and i'm not ripping these new guys), i think i'm finally starting to see through the addict-speak. i recognized it before, but i'm seeing what it really means now.
below is something i was writing to a rookie, but felt that it was more of a response to where i've been and where i am now than a response to the rookies.
this isn't something you give an effort to. the nic bitch is too strong for trying. it doesn't matter if you try, really try or really, really, really, really, really try. it's the same old shit as just letting life happen to you. you need to take this quit by the fucking balls, brother. it isn't steering you through the process, you are steering it. you make the fucking decisions.
sounds scary, doesn't it. addicts are experts at pushing responsibility for their addiction onto other people or external events. i can't quit today, i'm going fishing. i was quit but then my dog died. i caved because my wife is a fucking bitch and doesn't understand.
what you'll realize, once you've quit and are out of the suck and the fog, is that accountability and freedom are really fucking awesome. you're making the decisions? to the addict, that's too hard. to the quit, it's a godsend... that way, no one else can force you to dip again. you're making the decisions!
once you start really fucking living life and making your own choices, you'll find that BEING FREE IS ADDICTIVE TOO. i heard on NPR yesterday that the neuro-pathways associated with self-control become more "developed" as they're used. that the person who exercises self control in one area is better able to exercise self control in another area.
43 days ago, that would have been some shocking shit. today, i can say that i know that first hand. i'm eating less. i'm exercising more. i'm hanging out with the kids more. i'm imposing my will on my life instead of letting my life get in the way of what i want.
quitting feels good. i do it every day, and i'm glad that i have the support of my family and KTC. even if i was quit for this long without KTC, i don't think i'd have the understanding and attitude i have now.