Hello Everyone! I lucked into this site tonight. I read a bunch of info and decided it was 100% time to quit for good.
Here is my bio
I am 39 years old. I started chewing at the age of 15 and chewed snuff in my upper lip till i was 33years old. My older brother was diagnosed with terminal esophogial cancer and i decided i was going to quit for me and hope he would be stronger and try to quit smoking during his chemo. It was easier than hell to quit, i stopped cold turkey, kicked its ass and told my self every day i was a winner and felt like a warrior that wouldnt loose, it was mind over matter and my mind always won. I stayed clean for 2 years and 2 months. After my brother passed away i kind of went weird in the head and had a midlife crisis, I wont go into details. But during this time i went bear hunting with a long time friend and at the time i was suffering from a very bad prostate infection, which i didnt know what it was so i was stressed beyond belief. While hunting i figured i would return home and be told i was dying from something. At my weakest point i decided to bum a chew off of my friend. I thought" Hell, i quit and one wont hurt" Well, bullshit, we all know where that leads. That was over 3 years ago. I have tried to quit more times than i want to admit. But here is my biggest problem with quitting.
my wife and family and kids helped me thru it as they all new i chewed and encouraged me daily and told me how proud they were of me every day. Well the truth is they dont know i started up again. IT really sucks that i chew pouches as i can have one in and no one is the wiser. It would kill my wife to know i started and kept it from her.
I feel terrible about the whole decieving part put the chew is the worst demon i have ever had. I quit for 3-5 days and turn into an asshole and try to control my short bouts of rage and then decide to start again before i go to far. I am between a rock and a hard place. I want my wife to still look up to me but if i tell her i started again then she will always doubt everything i do.
I want to quit and be done with this shit. I did it once and it was easy, i just need some support. Who is willing to help me out? I know i can do this with some support.
I dumped my last can 15 minutes ago and plan to start the first day of the rest of my life tomorrow. I plan on putting some things in place first thing when i get off of the pc.
1. Not the best Christian but i am going to pray and beg God to help me be strong and give me some help thru this and keep doing it till i have no more cravings even if its the rest of my life
2.pay for gas with a credit card and not walk into a gas station
3 Buy 4 bags of wintergreen life savers, 4 bags of sunflower seeds, 2 packs of gum
4. tell my self every few minutes that i dont chew and that i am strong and a winner, sounds gay but it worked for me the first time.
Yep, thats my plan for tomorrow. I just remember how i felt after quiting the first time, i felt like i was 10 feet tall and bullet proof, now i just feel like a big piece of shit, weak, second class citizen.
I will check in as often as i can during everyday and may need to lean on a few of you and you can do the same to me. This is a big deal for me
Here is to a new day, please keep me in your prayers and thoughts!
DiverFreak