July 09 Quitters

[Dlee3]

Holy Shit, this might be the funniest thing I have seen in years. I literally may not sleep for a few days as I go through this entire thread. I really can't remember the last time I have laughed this hard, and I have only read a few of Dean's posts.

Thanks KKLJINC for bringing this back to the top for us new guys. I really only opened it so I could watch your avatar again, but to my surprise this is internet gold.

Can't wait to have time to run through this intro thread. Been quit four months and never seen the name DeanTheCoot. I absolutely LOVED every minute of reading that. Full on erection and still able to piss a rainbow. And then lack the ability to feel any amount of embarrassment. And then envision a 60 year old woman flogging herself, adding that he would love to piss on her. Not doubt with a full erection.

Damn that was funny!!

[dgreak]

Holy Shit, this might be the funniest thing I have seen in years. I literally may not sleep for a few days as I go through this entire thread. I really can't remember the last time I have laughed this hard, and I have only read a few of Dean's posts.

Thanks KKLJINC for bringing this back to the top for us new guys. I really only opened it so I could watch your avatar again, but to my surprise this is internet gold.

[kkljinc]

Day 178

This morning, I got caught taking a piss off my sidewalk into my front yard. It was weird and fun.

I live in a rural area. I have neighbors, but they're hundreds of feet away, through the trees. My road is not heavily traveled.

THIS is what I see from my sidewalk.THIS

I was up around sunrise, and I took the dog out. Wearing only boxers, I was groggy, per usual. I stood on the sidewalk and let the dog do his business, and I was talking to myself...per usual.

Mornings often bring a nice surprise: a huge fucking erection. This morning was no exception. So I was standing there, holding the leash, close to naked in the chilly air, and decided to piss. I flopped the waistband of my boxers under my nutsack, further propping my dick skyward.

I began urinating, sending a steady stream up and crowning about chest-level. Of course, I also twisted my hips to create a sprinkler effect. All along, the dog is sniffing the grass and shitting, and I am still talking to myself and kinda growling.

At this moment, I meet eyes with one of my neighbors - a nice woman in her early 60s. She's just trekking along, taking a little stroll in the filtered sunlight, and WHAM...she turns the corner to see a fully erect madman pissing toward the sky.

"Whoooop. Oh.....my...uh...." I heard her utter as she quickened her pace.

I was initially embarrassed. For about two seconds. And then I got to thinking: SHE is probably the one who is embarrassed. It's MY yard, after all. Moreover, it was AWESOME that my dick was that hard. I want to believe she went home and frigged herself into a dizzying orgasm...and has now developed a golden-shower fetish.

I'll piss on her anytime, if she wants.

Dean, I dont know you, but I have spent the last hour in tears rummaging through twenty some pages of posts.

I am in tears and my guts hurt! I had to bring this up to the top, so the newbs can see quit excellence and comedic timing like no other.

[ERDVM]

Thanks for the props, MF. Mother Fucker. Male Floozie. Most Fairylike.

Here I am, on Day 38, and my bowel movements still have not returned to normal. I am pretty much shitting every third day. I grumped Monday, and I grumped this morning. It's getting a bit out of hand.

This morning's movement was special. Since quitting, the constipation has resulted in some mighty gigantic and robusto shits, but today's really was exceptional. I guarantee that if I was shitting in the woods, this dump would have laid out on the leaves at least 18 inches, end to end. Probably more.

You can imagine that a turd of such proportions is not toilet-friendly. After squeezing out what seemed to be a Peterbilt transmission, I flushed. No dice. My crap just stood up straight like the fucking Titanic and twisted in the bowl. I tried again, to no avail.

I couldn't just walk away from this mess. It wouldn't have been ethical. Because honestly, the next guy who sat down - if he didn't look - would have gotten my log right up his asshole.

I cleaned up and crept quickly and quietly out of the bathroom and into the offices. I spied a pencil on one of the marketing girl's desks. I swiped it and returned to the bathroom.

Chop chop chop chop...With the pencil, I broke my megapoo into seven or eight manageable pieces and flushed. The grump chunks, defeated, swirled into the sewer.

One interesting observation: I probably should have used the eraser end of the pencil. As it turned out, I drew all over the porcelain while playing ninja with my poop.

And what to do with the shitty pencil? I opted to wipe it clean and put it back on the girl's desk. That'll teach her to take my yogurt from the break room fridge.

I thought this might provoke some comment.

I've got nothing........... 'crackup' 'crackup'

holy shit, that's funny. needed that this morning.

Just when I thought my non-nicotine brain could not get any more deviant.....
TIFFS X infinity.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[dchogs]

Thanks for the props, MF. Mother Fucker. Male Floozie. Most Fairylike.

Here I am, on Day 38, and my bowel movements still have not returned to normal. I am pretty much shitting every third day. I grumped Monday, and I grumped this morning. It's getting a bit out of hand.

This morning's movement was special. Since quitting, the constipation has resulted in some mighty gigantic and robusto shits, but today's really was exceptional. I guarantee that if I was shitting in the woods, this dump would have laid out on the leaves at least 18 inches, end to end. Probably more.

You can imagine that a turd of such proportions is not toilet-friendly. After squeezing out what seemed to be a Peterbilt transmission, I flushed. No dice. My crap just stood up straight like the fucking Titanic and twisted in the bowl. I tried again, to no avail.

I couldn't just walk away from this mess. It wouldn't have been ethical. Because honestly, the next guy who sat down - if he didn't look - would have gotten my log right up his asshole.

I cleaned up and crept quickly and quietly out of the bathroom and into the offices. I spied a pencil on one of the marketing girl's desks. I swiped it and returned to the bathroom.

Chop chop chop chop...With the pencil, I broke my megapoo into seven or eight manageable pieces and flushed. The grump chunks, defeated, swirled into the sewer.

One interesting observation: I probably should have used the eraser end of the pencil. As it turned out, I drew all over the porcelain while playing ninja with my poop.

And what to do with the shitty pencil? I opted to wipe it clean and put it back on the girl's desk. That'll teach her to take my yogurt from the break room fridge.

I thought this might provoke some comment.

I've got nothing........... 'crackup' 'crackup'

holy shit, that's funny. needed that this morning.

[srans]

Thanks for the props, MF. Mother Fucker. Male Floozie. Most Fairylike.

Here I am, on Day 38, and my bowel movements still have not returned to normal. I am pretty much shitting every third day. I grumped Monday, and I grumped this morning. It's getting a bit out of hand.

This morning's movement was special. Since quitting, the constipation has resulted in some mighty gigantic and robusto shits, but today's really was exceptional. I guarantee that if I was shitting in the woods, this dump would have laid out on the leaves at least 18 inches, end to end. Probably more.

You can imagine that a turd of such proportions is not toilet-friendly. After squeezing out what seemed to be a Peterbilt transmission, I flushed. No dice. My crap just stood up straight like the fucking Titanic and twisted in the bowl. I tried again, to no avail.

I couldn't just walk away from this mess. It wouldn't have been ethical. Because honestly, the next guy who sat down - if he didn't look - would have gotten my log right up his asshole.

I cleaned up and crept quickly and quietly out of the bathroom and into the offices. I spied a pencil on one of the marketing girl's desks. I swiped it and returned to the bathroom.

Chop chop chop chop...With the pencil, I broke my megapoo into seven or eight manageable pieces and flushed. The grump chunks, defeated, swirled into the sewer.

One interesting observation: I probably should have used the eraser end of the pencil. As it turned out, I drew all over the porcelain while playing ninja with my poop.

And what to do with the shitty pencil? I opted to wipe it clean and put it back on the girl's desk. That'll teach her to take my yogurt from the break room fridge.

I thought this might provoke some comment.

I've got nothing........... 'crackup' 'crackup'

[Leahy16]

Thanks for the props, MF. Mother Fucker. Male Floozie. Most Fairylike.

Here I am, on Day 38, and my bowel movements still have not returned to normal. I am pretty much shitting every third day. I grumped Monday, and I grumped this morning. It's getting a bit out of hand.

This morning's movement was special. Since quitting, the constipation has resulted in some mighty gigantic and robusto shits, but today's really was exceptional. I guarantee that if I was shitting in the woods, this dump would have laid out on the leaves at least 18 inches, end to end. Probably more.

You can imagine that a turd of such proportions is not toilet-friendly. After squeezing out what seemed to be a Peterbilt transmission, I flushed. No dice. My crap just stood up straight like the fucking Titanic and twisted in the bowl. I tried again, to no avail.

I couldn't just walk away from this mess. It wouldn't have been ethical. Because honestly, the next guy who sat down - if he didn't look - would have gotten my log right up his asshole.

I cleaned up and crept quickly and quietly out of the bathroom and into the offices. I spied a pencil on one of the marketing girl's desks. I swiped it and returned to the bathroom.

Chop chop chop chop...With the pencil, I broke my megapoo into seven or eight manageable pieces and flushed. The grump chunks, defeated, swirled into the sewer.

One interesting observation: I probably should have used the eraser end of the pencil. As it turned out, I drew all over the porcelain while playing ninja with my poop.

And what to do with the shitty pencil? I opted to wipe it clean and put it back on the girl's desk. That'll teach her to take my yogurt from the break room fridge.

I thought this might provoke some comment.

[Leahy16]

It's time for another edition of "The Wonderful World of DeanTheCunt"...

[rgross298]

Cool dig on Pirates, but the last two cross the line.


a) FACT: Modern-day pirates, like those floating off the coast of Somalia, are so badass that they take on U.S. Navy destroyers. When's the last time YOU took on a U.S. Navy destroyer?

Um, they don't "take on" Navy destroyers that I'm aware of. They take on unarmed commercial vessels, and periodically are pummeled by Navy vessels. Am I wrong? Is there a case where one of those little pussy pirate outboards approached a US Navy destroyer and got anywhere?

FACT: If one pirate felt like fucking another pirate, they just fucked. So what? That doesn't make you gay. That makes you resourceful and awesome. Imagine getting up right now and bending a dude over in the break room, no problem? Spectacular shit.

Um, ok. Gaydar is going off. I'm sorry, even though I read the previous eight bullets, I'm not falling for this one, bending a guy over even as a guy is gay as hell. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But even as a pirate, you're gay as hell if you want to bend a guy over in the break room. Not that there's anything wrong with that (Seinfeld political correctness included).

--Russ

[KayakKurt]

In Defense of Pirates - Inspired by May 2012

The opinion that pirates and pirating are gay is colored by how modern life and popular media have twisted things. I want you to reconsider.

FACT: Pirates never ate fruits or vegetables, which is supremely badass.

FACT: Pirates wore clothing that was all ripped apart, which made them look like they were attacked by a weasel, which is also supremely badass.

FACT: If the pirate's clothes were too torn to be worn, they would make and wear some sort of COSTUME, and that is awesome.

FACT: Pirates didn't actually make you walk the plank, which IS kinda gay, because it's a lot like diving, and diving is a gay sport. No, when you fucked up on pirate ship, they just slit your throat and ATE you, lips, asshole and everything.

FACT: Modern-day pirates, like those floating off the coast of Somalia, are so badass that they take on U.S. Navy destroyers. When's the last time YOU took on a U.S. Navy destroyer?

FACT: If one pirate felt like fucking another pirate, they just fucked. So what? That doesn't make you gay. That makes you resourceful and awesome. Imagine getting up right now and bending a dude over in the break room, no problem? Spectacular shit.

If the preceding isn't enough to change minds, I can go on and on.

I quoted this into the may 2012 group.

Good stuff, Dean!

I love reading your posts great shit. You have to fill in now for swj since he hasn't posted in ages.

[Lochi21]

In Defense of Pirates - Inspired by May 2012

The opinion that pirates and pirating are gay is colored by how modern life and popular media have twisted things. I want you to reconsider.

FACT: Pirates never ate fruits or vegetables, which is supremely badass.

FACT: Pirates wore clothing that was all ripped apart, which made them look like they were attacked by a weasel, which is also supremely badass.

FACT: If the pirate's clothes were too torn to be worn, they would make and wear some sort of COSTUME, and that is awesome.

FACT: Pirates didn't actually make you walk the plank, which IS kinda gay, because it's a lot like diving, and diving is a gay sport. No, when you fucked up on pirate ship, they just slit your throat and ATE you, lips, asshole and everything.

FACT: Modern-day pirates, like those floating off the coast of Somalia, are so badass that they take on U.S. Navy destroyers. When's the last time YOU took on a U.S. Navy destroyer?

FACT: If one pirate felt like fucking another pirate, they just fucked. So what? That doesn't make you gay. That makes you resourceful and awesome. Imagine getting up right now and bending a dude over in the break room, no problem? Spectacular shit.

If the preceding isn't enough to change minds, I can go on and on.

After that last FACT bro, I want you to stop, because all I need is a reach around.

[DeanTheCoot]

In Defense of Pirates - Inspired by May 2012

The opinion that pirates and pirating are gay is colored by how modern life and popular media have twisted things. I want you to reconsider.

FACT: Pirates never ate fruits or vegetables, which is supremely badass.

FACT: Pirates wore clothing that was all ripped apart, which made them look like they were attacked by a weasel, which is also supremely badass.

FACT: If the pirate's clothes were too torn to be worn, they would make and wear some sort of COSTUME, and that is awesome.

FACT: Pirates didn't actually make you walk the plank, which IS kinda gay, because it's a lot like diving, and diving is a gay sport. No, when you fucked up on pirate ship, they just slit your throat and ATE you, lips, asshole and everything.

FACT: Modern-day pirates, like those floating off the coast of Somalia, are so badass that they take on U.S. Navy destroyers. When's the last time YOU took on a U.S. Navy destroyer?

FACT: If one pirate felt like fucking another pirate, they just fucked. So what? That doesn't make you gay. That makes you resourceful and awesome. Imagine getting up right now and bending a dude over in the break room, no problem? Spectacular shit.

If the preceding isn't enough to change minds, I can go on and on.

[KayakKurt]

Overnight Flight

Back in the day, I dipped when I was on an airplane. Needless to say, it fed my abominable addiction. But it also served as a really good tool to get revenge upon people who sucked. On more than one occasion, I poured my spitter onto the seat of the person next to me, if she wore too much perfume or asked about my job or was very ugly.

I even went so far as to pour my spitter into the lap of a sleeping passenger who farted throughout a flight. I hope he is dead.

Better yet, with dip, you could get revenge on pretty much the entire aircraft. If I ever found myself in a generally agitated state, I'd simply broadcast little handfuls of snuff like fairy dust, reaching distant rows and causing quite a commotion. Or, I'd shit in the sink in the bathroom and then decorate it with dip.

For the past couple years, I've been more boring on flights.

But on an overnight trip last week, I was thinking of all the fun I used to have. In honor of that fun, I forced myself to puke on a guy sitting in front of me who wouldn't shut up his kids or some weird bullshit. I puked a little bit on his head, but mostly on his shoulder.

I played it off like I was really sick and was sorry, but a couple people knew better - those who saw me stick my finger down my throat, for instance. They didn't say anything, though. They just had a nervous, troubled look on their faces. I sneered at them and pretended to channel ghosts.

That is some of the funniest shit I've read here, anywhere, seen on tv anywhere in a long time! Wow, thank you for that.

You "sall-a-tite" story was great too!

Just being able to have a good hearty laugh really keeps my mind off dip. Keep posting, man! I'd love to read more

[RAZD611]

Musings after a Comma

Have any of you guys ever tried to put your own peepee inside your own butt? Well, if you have, that's how good it feels to get a comma.

I want you inside me.

Obviously if you were Dean you wouldn't need you.

[luby]

Musings after a Comma

Have any of you guys ever tried to put your own peepee inside your own butt? Well, if you have, that's how good it feels to get a comma.

I dream about you. The dreams are haunting in a good way.