Day 33: Noticed that I donÂ’t crave like I did. It doesnÂ’t hurt anymore. If I get a craving, it is so weak and easy to dismiss. I think itÂ’s time to get back to working out.
Day 34: No craving and I despise tobacco. I made it back to the gym today. I stay close to the site, chat and read a lot. As a addict, you can never be too confident. Love being quit.
Day 35: Second day in a row that I went to the gym. Now time to shed the weight I gained during the first month of my quit.
Day 36: All the pain, all the work, the weight gained and emotion of Tobacco was done. I was in a great place. The pain was over and I was just getting stronger and more resolved. Then the bitch found me today. My wife called me at work to warn me and ask me if I caved. (When my kids did good work, I posted it on the fridge) In a mocking manner, my son put a direct mailer addressed to me on the fridge. He thought I wasnÂ’t quit. (The American Tobacco company mailed me a big fold out of coupons for Grizzly chew)
There have been times when I told my family that I stopped chewing but I just kept it a better secret. This was the first time that I was innocent of being charged with dipping.
I was angry. I wasn't angry at my family for not trusting me. Hell, I have to earn back trust. I am angry that I kicked tobacco out of my house, out of my life, battled it for a month and then I get a mailer with discounts for grizzly chew!!!
How did tobacco get my name and address? I paid cash and never admitted to chewing. No sign ups etc!!! This leaves me to one of two conclusions. Website analytics or a “friend”.
Within the last month, I have done more web searches on tobacco. Are some marketing firms clever enough to get my name and address and include me on a mailer?
Is it possible that someone who knows me and chews wants me to fail and they put my name and address requesting mailings?
I am not depressed or feel sorry for myself, I want to fight!
I go to KTC, and two pitches are coming right down the strike zone and I swing. I read that someone has a trophy can and another person caved after being quit for 5 hours. I unleashed my rage and anger.
I wasnÂ’t mad at the personsÂ…they are addicts just like me. I am mad at how willingly vulnerable we allow ourselves to be at times. My words were harsh but it was because I declare war on anyone who uses, promotes, or profits from tobacco.
I donÂ’t hate the addict, I despise the addiction. I am angry that even when we do all the right things to strengthen our quit and resolve. Tobacco finds a way to sneak in.
I kicked tobacco out of my house, my home, my sanctuary and my life! Like a quiet snake, she found a way to interfere with the confidence, trust and victories I had gained in the last month. How cruel and evil to fuck with me and my family!
If tobacco could talk, this is how it went down:
Mark: Tobacco, I know you think that when I said that we were done, you probably laughed and thought I would be back.
Tobacco: Mark you will be back. You just started hanging out with a new group of people that have filled your mind with the belief that you can stay quit. Look on the site, they cave. DoesnÂ’t matter if it is in the 1st day or 1,000th dayÂ…they come back.
Mark: Tobacco you donÂ’t understand, I donÂ’t care about what you think. You are a deceiver and a liar. I got as far as a temporary buzz and less cash with you. You gave me nothing. I gave you my allegiance. For NOTHING!!!!! You are a liar and a fraud. So telling me that I will come backÂ….I donÂ’t believe that either.
Tobacco: CÂ’mon Mark. You never were this dramatic. You always made fun of drama. What has happened to you? If you want to end it, fine but why are you so hostile? We can part friends, right?
Mark: FUCK NO! Tobacco, I discovered your game. You are a narcissist. It is all about you. You want to be loved and worshiped. You want to be a god. You are cunning and crafty. You thought that you could tempt me with this direct mailer. You think you know me. You think I would cave because if my family doesnÂ’t believe me then I might as well make them right.?
Tobacco, I will credit that you are clever and a sneaky, slimy industry. However, you made one major miscalculation. It ultimately doesnÂ’t matter if my kids or wife think I chew or quit. I didnÂ’t quit for them. I quit for me. I know the truth, God knows the truth and one day when my trust bank is over flowing, you will never be able to put the seed of doubt in my family.
Tobacco: I let you talk now you listen to me. Do you think I really even give a shit about you? Do you think I need you more than you need me? I am here to help your sorry ass get through a day without being a psycho drama little bitch! You may think that your quit will be a world changing event. You might even think that this is your calling in life. Well itÂ…..
[Interrupted by Mark]
Mark: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! You walked into my house. (Uninvited and presumptuous.) You are trying to divide me from my family. You have been doing that all along. When I was chewing and now quit, you want to fuck with me and my family!!!!
I am a sober mind and not in your power. You missed judged me. Probably still do. I donÂ’t know what my calling is. I am but one person. You are a dark army.
However, I will never join your army and promote your lies. EVER! Every opportunity I have to shed light on your darkness, I WILL!!!
You might come to my house again, uninvited. When you do, I will come into your territory. I will fight you. You may direct mail the shit out of me. I will put your tatics on Facebook and youtube. I will warn everyone of your attempts to wreck my quit!!!!
I am no longer afraid of your army. I am sorry for the casualties you take.
You have big numbers but only 3% of the American population chew tobacco. I am part of the 97% percent now. So my army is actually bigger! You're a terrorist!!!
You are scary but not too big to fail. You are a failure. You want to be worshiped but you already lost. Now youÂ’re just childish and a poor loser.
Tobacco: FUCK YOU MARK, you might pause but youÂ’ll never quit.
Mark: Hey just donÂ’t be subtle about your actions. I sure as hell am not subtle about mine. Tobacco, I want you dead. Come find me, I dare you. The more you present yourself the more I expose the truth about you.
Fuck off you little bitch!!!!
Day 37: Another great day! Went to a court hearing during the day. Before my hearing, In the parking lot, I saw slaves out giving cancer sticks a blow job. Sad but enlightened me that tobacco is evil. It leads to so many problems.
That night was the high school announcement for student body officers. My son ran a great campaign and it Paid off! He is the 2012-2013 Student Body Historian for his school. I am a proud dad. My three kids are raising me. I always wanted them to be better than me. I claim victory there.
Day 38: It is so fun to be quit. I love it. I avoid tobacco. I donÂ’t associate with it. The only way tobacco has found me is through direct mailers. Other than that, I donÂ’t see it. I expect it will find me again but I am ready for a fight. I wonÂ’t seek it out, I am wiser than I look. To all my quit brothersÂ…..If tobacco wants to fight usÂ….Trust meÂ….We got this! We are winning.
Never ever entertain a cave. You may crave but don't entertain it. Get away. The best strategy when tobacco shows up is to retreat and get away. If you can't get away, don't play nice. It is not nice and is just trying to seduce you.
If the devil wants to dance, punch him in the mouth and run to your support. You will be safe.
I am still Nic and alcohol free. More resolved and happy to quit and have met my goal of posting roll every day. I never missed a day and yes I never caved in 38 days. DAMN I'M PROUD OF MY VICTORIES lately!!!!
