Hey there,
I might have an intro in here buried somewhere... But here I am again, third time in my life quitting chew. 'bang head'
I have been chewing off and on again for about 9 years. The first time I attempted quitting, I was on my own, and it found me again after being quit for about a year. In 2013 I stumbled on this site, and it helped me quit, and was the greatest thing I had ever found in my journey of quit. Fast forward around 150 days of quit, and I caved in one my most vulnerable states. I will post my answer to the 3 questions below, but I have been slave to it for the past three years, and knew I wanted to quit, knew needed to, it just had a hold of me and I've hated it but loved it from the beginning. I am committed, March 9th, 2016 was the last time I will ever have chew in my mouth again. Not even once. I can't do that poison again, and I refuse to let something control me like that ever again. I am quitting for myself this time around, because I think I was trying to quit for my wife and other reasons in the past. I have 3 younger brothers that are addicted to nicotine in some fashion, and I want to be a good example to them, and encourage them that it is possible to be quit.
I'm 30 years old, I am a graphic designer by trade, but my real passions in life are fly-fishing the great state of Montana, bowhunting elk and deer, backpacking to high mountain lakes, wood-working, and anything else that can get me in the woods. I also paint, I got a second degree in it, but that's something I need to get back into. I have a beautiful, smart, frustrating wife of 7 years whom I love, and two great mini australian shepherd dogs.
Thanks for welcoming me back, I'm sorry I'm back, but I'm here to stay.
Answers to the three questions:
1. What happened?
I think I just allowed myself to think I was stronger or more capable than I actually am. I caved on an evening of a screaming match with my wife. I drove off and out of anger bought a can, thinking I could just toss it in the morning.
2. Why did it happen?
Hmmmm.... I'm thinking about what Irish said: 'why did you let go of the valve?'.... He's right. I'm an addict, that's why I'm here. I honestly thought at that very moment, despite my re-training my mind through help with KTC, that it would help me. Like it was my last resort to save me or something. I think I was sad, and probably mad enough to not care at that brief moment what happened to me, even if it was bad. I allowed nic back in my life, with that decision that night. And for the past three years it has held me down. I could have come back, right? I had a couple people text and message me after I caved. I think I felt ashamed... Mad at myself and worthless after I started again. Pride, selfishness, foolishness. Nic has no grace, no forgiveness. It took me by the balls and drug me around, like I was it's bitch. I can't have just one. It's like those commercials about meth. Not even once... That's how I am. That's the reality of it's hold on my life.
3. How are you going to keep it from happening again?
Well, I know for damn sure I can't do it on my own... I am most vulnerable when I am angry, or depressed... I can honestly say that I don't exactly know what my escape plan is right now. I'm willing to learn a new route.. I am trying to start by coming back to this place. I came back to this site for support. I didn't take kindly to being attacked right out of the gate, but I get why it happened. I know that I need someone or something in my life to prevent a cave from every happening again. I have Palpatine Irish's digits, as they have graciously shared, so my current plan now is to post roll every day, decide every day to quit, and suck up my pride and text these random people when I am at my most vulnerable.
