Quitting

[Tuco]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

For me, alcohol and nicotine always held hands. Alcohol would give me license to use nicotine and nicotine would give me a reason to have enough drinks where I didn't give a fuck. There was a tipping point where when I had X number of drinks, things just didn't matter anymore. It wasn't just nicotine, but I'd do other stupid, self destructive or embarrassing shit. Anyway, this stuff demands examination but fuck if I have all the answers. I just know what I'm not gonna do Today.

I talked to you on the phone for about an hour soon after the cave. To me it boiled down to you where looking for a reason to leave. You gave yourself an out. Do I see a difference, now? Not really.

Thanks Dano and I know you are right.

I was right and you refused to take alcohol off the table. You knew what you had to do, but refused. Unfortunately you have now lost one of the best tools known to man.

Alcohol.

I am in the booze biz. About 250 million $ worth of the stuff goes through the doors of the company I work for every year. We taste new samples constantly. It is at all functions. Lunches. Dinners. Afternoon meetings. Morning meetings.

I didn't taste any booze for 100 days. If I can do it, anyone can. Booze was an excuse for this dude that doesn't have integrity.

Like him i smoked and dipped. And the issues with drinking and the temptation it brought was something I talked with him about constantly in the almost year he was with us in October 14. Clearly he hasn't and probably never will learn his lesson until it's too late.

Alcohol is just an excuse. Sure, it lowers inhibitions, but alcohol isn't the reason you caved. You are the reason you caved.

Knowing that you have a problem with both nicotine and alcohol, you weren't willing to take both of them off of the table. You took away the honor and integrity instead.

The premise here is pretty simple. You can talk the talk and stack bullshit 10 feet tall, but you've given yourself multiple outs here and that I can't abide.

The good news is, I'm still learning from you. The bad news is, it's for all the wrong reasons.

[Southpaw32]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

For me, alcohol and nicotine always held hands. Alcohol would give me license to use nicotine and nicotine would give me a reason to have enough drinks where I didn't give a fuck. There was a tipping point where when I had X number of drinks, things just didn't matter anymore. It wasn't just nicotine, but I'd do other stupid, self destructive or embarrassing shit. Anyway, this stuff demands examination but fuck if I have all the answers. I just know what I'm not gonna do Today.

I talked to you on the phone for about an hour soon after the cave. To me it boiled down to you where looking for a reason to leave. You gave yourself an out. Do I see a difference, now? Not really.

Thanks Dano and I know you are right.

I was right and you refused to take alcohol off the table. You knew what you had to do, but refused. Unfortunately you have now lost one of the best tools known to man.

Alcohol.

I am in the booze biz. About 250 million $ worth of the stuff goes through the doors of the company I work for every year. We taste new samples constantly. It is at all functions. Lunches. Dinners. Afternoon meetings. Morning meetings.

I didn't taste any booze for 100 days. If I can do it, anyone can. Booze was an excuse for this dude that doesn't have integrity.

Like him i smoked and dipped. And the issues with drinking and the temptation it brought was something I talked with him about constantly in the almost year he was with us in October 14. Clearly he hasn't and probably never will learn his lesson until it's too late.

[worktowin]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

For me, alcohol and nicotine always held hands. Alcohol would give me license to use nicotine and nicotine would give me a reason to have enough drinks where I didn't give a fuck. There was a tipping point where when I had X number of drinks, things just didn't matter anymore. It wasn't just nicotine, but I'd do other stupid, self destructive or embarrassing shit. Anyway, this stuff demands examination but fuck if I have all the answers. I just know what I'm not gonna do Today.

I talked to you on the phone for about an hour soon after the cave. To me it boiled down to you where looking for a reason to leave. You gave yourself an out. Do I see a difference, now? Not really.

Thanks Dano and I know you are right.

I was right and you refused to take alcohol off the table. You knew what you had to do, but refused. Unfortunately you have now lost one of the best tools known to man.

Alcohol.

I am in the booze biz. About 250 million $ worth of the stuff goes through the doors of the company I work for every year. We taste new samples constantly. It is at all functions. Lunches. Dinners. Afternoon meetings. Morning meetings.

I didn't taste any booze for 100 days. If I can do it, anyone can. Booze was an excuse for this dude that doesn't have integrity.

[danojeno]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

For me, alcohol and nicotine always held hands. Alcohol would give me license to use nicotine and nicotine would give me a reason to have enough drinks where I didn't give a fuck. There was a tipping point where when I had X number of drinks, things just didn't matter anymore. It wasn't just nicotine, but I'd do other stupid, self destructive or embarrassing shit. Anyway, this stuff demands examination but fuck if I have all the answers. I just know what I'm not gonna do Today.

I talked to you on the phone for about an hour soon after the cave. To me it boiled down to you where looking for a reason to leave. You gave yourself an out. Do I see a difference, now? Not really.

Thanks Dano and I know you are right.

I was right and you refused to take alcohol off the table. You knew what you had to do, but refused. Unfortunately you have now lost one of the best tools known to man.

[rdad]

This is no game, this is life. We all chose to make or not to make the right decisions in life. I chose to not make chances better for getting cancer. This shits hard but so is getting up at 530 every morning for the past 30 years to go to the same place to work everyday but I chose that because I want to enjoy life. I'm saying we all make decisions some harder than others but if you put your mind to it and you really want something bad enough you can do it. By the way from what I've read in my 543 days of freedom addicts and alcohol equals failure because as addicts we give it our all whether good or bad, stay away from it if you must get drunk.

So true Pab. And I can really relate about the alcohol. A few years back I'd been quit for several months. I was on vacation and I'd had at least 1 too many. I can still clearly remember thinking "If I was to have 1 dip right now who could blame me. I could excuse it over being too drunk." And so I kissed that quit goodbye. The addict's mind is always looking for an excuse it seems. This quit, I'm staying away from the booze. I don't want to put myself in that position again. It's too big of a risk.

Post your promise daily. Keep your word. Simple.

If you can't post each day, don't waste your time offering excuses.... I've posted 1,278 days now... from East Coast, West Coast, Canada, France, airplanes, boats, trains, toilets, and taxis. If I can do it, you can do it. We are all busy. This is important. In 2016, there is no excuse to not post each day.

If you can't keep your word, then you just don't belong here. This site is full of thousands of honorable, honest, men and women of integrity that are fighting a common enemy. They, we, keep our word - if you don't wanna join the party, then don't.

Take a good look at your friend. There but by the grace of God go I... stop playing Russian Roulette, unless you wanna take a bullet. If you do, don't do it here. We don't pat asses and give hugs. We quit.

Post your promise daily. Keep your word.

Ya. What he said!!! Well said WtW!

[worktowin]

This is no game, this is life. We all chose to make or not to make the right decisions in life. I chose to not make chances better for getting cancer. This shits hard but so is getting up at 530 every morning for the past 30 years to go to the same place to work everyday but I chose that because I want to enjoy life. I'm saying we all make decisions some harder than others but if you put your mind to it and you really want something bad enough you can do it. By the way from what I've read in my 543 days of freedom addicts and alcohol equals failure because as addicts we give it our all whether good or bad, stay away from it if you must get drunk.

So true Pab. And I can really relate about the alcohol. A few years back I'd been quit for several months. I was on vacation and I'd had at least 1 too many. I can still clearly remember thinking "If I was to have 1 dip right now who could blame me. I could excuse it over being too drunk." And so I kissed that quit goodbye. The addict's mind is always looking for an excuse it seems. This quit, I'm staying away from the booze. I don't want to put myself in that position again. It's too big of a risk.

Post your promise daily. Keep your word. Simple.

If you can't post each day, don't waste your time offering excuses.... I've posted 1,278 days now... from East Coast, West Coast, Canada, France, airplanes, boats, trains, toilets, and taxis. If I can do it, you can do it. We are all busy. This is important. In 2016, there is no excuse to not post each day.

If you can't keep your word, then you just don't belong here. This site is full of thousands of honorable, honest, men and women of integrity that are fighting a common enemy. They, we, keep our word - if you don't wanna join the party, then don't.

Take a good look at your friend. There but by the grace of God go I... stop playing Russian Roulette, unless you wanna take a bullet. If you do, don't do it here. We don't pat asses and give hugs. We quit.

Post your promise daily. Keep your word.

[Mike1966]

This is no game, this is life. We all chose to make or not to make the right decisions in life. I chose to not make chances better for getting cancer. This shits hard but so is getting up at 530 every morning for the past 30 years to go to the same place to work everyday but I chose that because I want to enjoy life. I'm saying we all make decisions some harder than others but if you put your mind to it and you really want something bad enough you can do it. By the way from what I've read in my 543 days of freedom addicts and alcohol equals failure because as addicts we give it our all whether good or bad, stay away from it if you must get drunk.

So true Pab. And I can really relate about the alcohol. A few years back I'd been quit for several months. I was on vacation and I'd had at least 1 too many. I can still clearly remember thinking "If I was to have 1 dip right now who could blame me. I could excuse it over being too drunk." And so I kissed that quit goodbye. The addict's mind is always looking for an excuse it seems. This quit, I'm staying away from the booze. I don't want to put myself in that position again. It's too big of a risk.

[Thumblewort]

There are 2 simple words that describe this loser...

Zero. Integrity.

Thank you for saying this AJ. FMBM didn't get grilled as much as he should of when he came back a couple months ago after throwing away a year of quit..............and this is the result, another half asser who spouts off like he knows how to quit, get a lot of "atta-boys", then shits all over the site.

I miss the days that this site would have made this little bitch cry, but also may have saved his life.

[pab1964]

This is no game, this is life. We all chose to make or not to make the right decisions in life. I chose to not make chances better for getting cancer. This shits hard but so is getting up at 530 every morning for the past 30 years to go to the same place to work everyday but I chose that because I want to enjoy life. I'm saying we all make decisions some harder than others but if you put your mind to it and you really want something bad enough you can do it. By the way from what I've read in my 543 days of freedom addicts and alcohol equals failure because as addicts we give it our all whether good or bad, stay away from it if you must get drunk.

[AppleJack]

There are 2 simple words that describe this loser...

Zero. Integrity.

[Zoe'sDad]

After all that scary shit about your friend who had it all and has throat cancer now...... It's so real, so close to home.....

This just doesn't make sense. Why didn't that STRENGTHEN your quit, rather than be the event days before your own cave.....?

[Steakbomb18]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

FMBM,

It's a shame that you didn't work harder to arrive at an answer to #3 before letting it happen again. I'm not sure if you were actively trying to be self destructive this time, but I do know that you had my number and didn't use it. It sounds like it wasn't a crave, but another instance of a planned "fuck it" session.

You need to explain what happened to August, but I think you also need to have a talk with your friend that you posted about. Explain to him why sucking down cigs was worth throwing away your quit. Obviously you didn't think about getting permission from anyone on this site, but next time you get the itch to drink yourself stupid and act accordingly, you need to get permission from him.

I defended you when you were getting a pile of shit about your earlier cave. I felt that it took guts to own up to your failure and that your previous stoppage experience would be valuable to us newbie quitters. I'm just extremely disappointed that you chose to flake out on us. I hope you get yourself figured out and can find a way to stop harming yourself.

No shit?

Caved?

Again?

GTFO

Newbies, please read this thread. This is the perfect example of the importance of commitment to yourself. If you don't go all in, you'll fail every time. This guy explicitly states that he can't promise to post roll every day or use numbers of people of give a damn. And what happened? he caved. He's a slave, bound by the chains of his addiction. He's losing the battle, killing himself, hurting those around him, and lying through his ass. He's a hypocrite; the epitome of hypocrisy.

Not me though. I am quit, I am free, I am not a liar, I have integrity, I have friends who care about my quit and I care about theirs. We are bound by this mutual task of saving each other's lives every day.

Cave and stab me in the back once, shame on you. Cave and kick me in the nuts twice, shame on me.

[AppleJack]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

FMBM,

It's a shame that you didn't work harder to arrive at an answer to #3 before letting it happen again. I'm not sure if you were actively trying to be self destructive this time, but I do know that you had my number and didn't use it. It sounds like it wasn't a crave, but another instance of a planned "fuck it" session.

You need to explain what happened to August, but I think you also need to have a talk with your friend that you posted about. Explain to him why sucking down cigs was worth throwing away your quit. Obviously you didn't think about getting permission from anyone on this site, but next time you get the itch to drink yourself stupid and act accordingly, you need to get permission from him.

I defended you when you were getting a pile of shit about your earlier cave. I felt that it took guts to own up to your failure and that your previous stoppage experience would be valuable to us newbie quitters. I'm just extremely disappointed that you chose to flake out on us. I hope you get yourself figured out and can find a way to stop harming yourself.

No shit?

Caved?

Again?

GTFO

[pky1520]

Answers to the 3 Questions: What happened, why did it happen, what will I do differently.

What happened:
I went from 100% roll poster to saying "Fuck It" at 350 days of quit. I posted roll that day as I always did, can't remember if I hung around and looked into other groups and read intros or if I posted and got on with the day. I usually made it a habit to read something on KTC everyday.

I do I know I had a really shitty attitude that day and a big ol' case of the I don't give a fucks but this wasn't just one day of not giving a fuck this was a culmination of days of the I don't give a fuck kind of attitude. So I went out, got shit hammered and in my 'I don't give a fuck' fucked up state I rationalized that since the calendar day was over my promise was over. So I lit up cigarette after cigarette. And for seem reason I remember at the time it felt liberating sitting on my buddy's patio drinking whiskey and smoking. I'm trying to understand why I would associate smoking with feeling liberated.

Why did it happen:
It happened because I didn't have the right frame of mind to deal with other issues so I took my shitty attitude and decided to pile onto my 'problems' with adding more problems. I figured why the fuck not. Again the 'fuck it' kind of attitude.

This didn't happen because I didn't believe quitting and staying quit was the right thing to do. It happened because I knew using nicotine was the wrong thing and that's exactly what I was looking to do. I was looking to do the wrong thing. I knew staying out really late, drinking heavily and smoking was completely the wrong thing to do and that's why I did it. I wasn't trying to make these problems go away- I know that's not how it works. I was trying to add to them.

I jumped into the quit with everything I had, I woke up 7/07/2014 and said "Fuck this, I'm quitting" and I went after my quit hard. I read and read and read things on KTC. I followed the process and I went after it.

The night I decided to stop quitting I said "Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it all. Let me stuff my face with cancer sticks and smoke and drink until I can't fucking see straight and when I wake up in the morning that's just a couple more things to pile on my plate- fuck it- I don't care." I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Why I can get this way I have no idea but sometimes I do.

What will I do differently:
I'm really not sure what I'm going to do differently except to recognize when I get in a shitty state of mind and I get into a self destructive kind of way that I find another outlet. One that is constructive. How one does that when they want to be self destructive I'm not sure but I know I don't want to turn to chew or smokes.

I can't say "I'll promise to post roll everyday this time". I did post roll everyday and I'll continue to do that because it works. I also believe that had I posted roll at 12:01 AM I wouldn't have broken that promise.

I can't say I'm going to get numbers and use them- I have a phone full and I did use them on many occasions. I can't even recall if I tried to reach out to anyone or not that night because I was in a 'fuck it all' kind of mood.

I could say I'm going to be more involved on the site, but I think I was pretty involved and that didn't stop me.

Recently I've made some changes to shred some responsibilities and commitments and looking to further make some changes in that arena.

I know I need to be honest about drinking. I still haven't chewed since 7/6/2014 and I don't ever plan to put that shit in my mouth again. When I said 'fuck it' last May and sucked down some cigarettes after that night I probably went a month or so without even thinking about it and before I smoked again. When I did smoke it was usually (not always) after I've had 7+ drinks. What I noticed was I was starting to find reasons to drink so I could fed my addiction and that the time in between using was getting shorter.

Not sure these are the answers I was looking for but that's what I've got.

FMBM,

It's a shame that you didn't work harder to arrive at an answer to #3 before letting it happen again. I'm not sure if you were actively trying to be self destructive this time, but I do know that you had my number and didn't use it. It sounds like it wasn't a crave, but another instance of a planned "fuck it" session.

You need to explain what happened to August, but I think you also need to have a talk with your friend that you posted about. Explain to him why sucking down cigs was worth throwing away your quit. Obviously you didn't think about getting permission from anyone on this site, but next time you get the itch to drink yourself stupid and act accordingly, you need to get permission from him.

I defended you when you were getting a pile of shit about your earlier cave. I felt that it took guts to own up to your failure and that your previous stoppage experience would be valuable to us newbie quitters. I'm just extremely disappointed that you chose to flake out on us. I hope you get yourself figured out and can find a way to stop harming yourself.

[FISHFLORIDA]

Update: surgery 'went well' but tumor found in middle of throat, gets to go home Friday or Saturday but has to come back in 2 weeks for another surgery to remove left lymph node and possibly the thyroid.

This could have been/ could be any of us. And for what? A fucking weed.

I will now chew a Xanax so I stop shaking. I have just pressed every node,gland, etc ,on my body.... Twice. I swear at this point it all feels effed up.