(After a week of hard work, Coach Steve mentally checks out early at work and sets out for his new Intro bungalow tucked away in a silent corner of Introville, KTC. As he pulls down the long and winding driveway the bungalow comes into view. A small one story weekend home for CS and one guest. CS parks in front of the sidewalk leading to the covered front porch. The sun is just dipping below the horizon and the front porch is pitch dark. CS pauses on his way up the driveway and cocks his head to the side indicating that something is amiss. Stepping onto the front porch he fumbles with the keys while trying to unlock the door....)
CS: {to himself}Dammit all I thought this light was on a sensor.....
(CS drops the keys and as he bends down to pick them up he hears muffled grunting sounds coming from the bushes)
CS: Is someone there?
(Silence......)
CS: Cause you know if you are a trespasser pretty much everyone on KTC has like 10 guns each so your chances of getting shot are damn good
(Silence.....)
CS: Maybe if I......{drops keys and bends over to pick them up}
(Just then, CS hears a muffled "Oh Yeah Baby!" coming from the bushes. He jumps down off the porch and pulls back to bushes to reveal.....Gmann)
CS: Shoulda known it was you
Gmann: You know why I'm here.....
CS: I'm busy
Gmann: Don't be a pussy
CS: FUGM
Gmann: FUCS
CS: Were you excited when you learned you could finally join the boy scouts?
Gmann: Was I what? Oh....I see what you did there. FUCS
(Just then, they hear something rummaging around in the bushes on the other side of the porch)
CS: Dammit who is it this time?
Luby: Whoa, whoa....its just me....Peepers
CS: {jokingly} Silly Peepers, what are you doing over there?
Luby: Oh you know.....waiting for the same thing Gmann is waiting for
CS: Which is......?
Gmann: Seriously don't be a bitch.....narrative please sir
CS: {shrugging his shoulders} Eh, I dunno....not really feeling it lately
Luby: What do you mean you're not feeling it?
CS: I'm just....I dunno, been busy lately with work and spending time with the family
Gmann: Pussy.....
CS: Alright fine, damn...what do you want me to write about then?
Gmann: Scottmacek? Romandog?
CS: Didn't they sort all that out...started the Leper Colony or something?
Luby: Well the Scottmacek Intro thread died down, but I still want that dude gone!
CS: I understand PeepsÂ…but I canÂ’t just conjure up a narrative about something that happened in the past. Is as if the creative moment is goneÂ…I dunno, hard to explain
Luby: Oh come on Coach?!
CS: I just canÂ’tÂ…I mean its not as if I can travel back through timeÂ….
Gmann: WellÂ…..thatÂ’s not completely accurate
CS: {pausing dramatically and turning to look at Gmann} What do you mean thatÂ’s not completely accurate?
Gmann: WellÂ….there may be a wayÂ…
(Just then, Wastepanel pulls up to the bungalow driving a big body convertible Pink Cadillac with Cbird in the front seat and Pavetheway, Texasjack and ERDVM in the back seat. Bigwhitebeast pulls in behind him and Dethan, Tstahr, BBM, Rated, Auburn and IRISH are in the bed of the truck)
CS: Hol-ee shit guysÂ…Â…
Texasjack: {hopping out of the Caddy and putting his arm around CS} CÂ’mon now broÂ….you didnÂ’t think weÂ’d let you spend your 500th alone did ya?
CS: {wiping a tear from his eye} You guysÂ…..
(Just then, Auburn stands up and knocks Rated and IRISH out of the truck with the Pork Sword)
Auburn: WhoaÂ….sorry bout that. I guess the sword master is a little rusty from not being in a narrative in so long
Tstahr: He said long! Coach! Can I get a hell yeah for 500?
CS: Hells yeah Terry!
IRISH: {dusting off his tiny green leprechaun hat} Jesus mary mother of mercy AuburnÂ…..that ting is dangerous
Wastepanel: {to Gmann} Did you tell him yet?
Gmann: KindaÂ…..
CS: Tell me what?
Gmann: Well like I was sayin CoachÂ…..there may be a way to take you back a few daysÂ….back into the scottmacek thread
CS: What do you mean there “may be a way”
Wastepanel: We havenÂ’t perfected it yet. The best way I can explain it is that you jumpÂ…..into someone else
CS: LikeÂ….you become them?
Gmann: Sort ofÂ…..youÂ’re still you, but you look like them
Rated: Like McGyver?
Pavetheway: {slapping Rated in the back of the head} You mean Quantum Leap?
Rated: {rubbing his head} Oh yeahÂ….
Wastepanel: It isÂ…..except for one small difference
CS: Which isÂ…..?
Gmann: We donÂ’t know who youÂ’re going to jump IN to
Wastepanel: But other than that itÂ’s perfectly safe
CS: Are you fucking serious?
Gmann: CoachÂ….its the only way. What are your other options? I mean, you canÂ’t NOT write a narrative on your 500th
Wastepanel: HeÂ’s right CoachÂ…..
CS: Alright fineÂ…whatever
Gmann: We knew youÂ’d come around. Ok, remember, you wonÂ’t know who you are when you jump so the first thing you need to do is verify your identity. The guy from Quantum Leap just looked in a mirror so we figured that is probably the best thing to do
CS: But what if IÂ’m not around a mirror?
Wastepanel: Then youÂ’re screwed
CS: Oh well isnÂ’t that just fan-fucking-tastic?
Gmann: DonÂ’t worry, youÂ’ll be fine. OkÂ…..you ready?
CS: Ready as IÂ’ll ever be
Gmann: {motioning to WP} OkÂ…fire it up
(Wastepanel pushes a few buttons on an 80Â’s looking tech device and a cyber hole opens in the Ethernet. CS begins to step into the cyber hole and turns at the last second when Gmann yells to him)
Gmann: One last thing CoachÂ….please donÂ’t tell Chewie weÂ’re doing this cause this is just a prototype
CS: {getting sucked into the Ethernet} You son of a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
(CS feels himself being twirled into a trippy looking low tech special effect thatÂ’s supposed to look as if heÂ’s flying through space. He continues twirling towards a small light that grows larger, and larger, and largerÂ….then a brilliant flash of light and CS finds himself in the back of an angry crowd of quitters. Looking around he can see Romandog and Dchogs shaking their fists in rage. Diesel is repeatedly telling a NOOB to fuck off and Polish Workhouse is playing the guitar over to the side. CS sees wmcatty over to the side and walks over to him)
CS: Hey CattyÂ…..whatÂ’s going on here?
Wmcatty: WellÂ….letÂ’s see if I can summarize this cluster fuck of ego tripsÂ….Skoal Monster would prefer that Scott go elsewhere, Morgan1 agrees with Skoal Monster, Seth will leave KTC if Administration allows Scott to stay on KTC, Jhaenel23 was very cognizant of the seriousness of the infractions, Jost2brown feels that support is actually enabling, Gmann would not roll out the red carpet and questioned if Wastepanel was sucking off Scott, Wastepanel said KTC forgives past mistakes and questioned if Gmann was still on his knee pads, Diesel was so upset he even told a new August Quitter to blow it out his ass, Kana is supportive of anyone who quits the nicotine, Romandog recommended that Scott go elsewhere to quitÂ….He is also ready to leave KTC, Scott is taking his lumps and posted Day 3 today, apparently telling his adversaries to fuck off.
And My Favorite Of All---jayd41. He is a 2 week quitter in August and already has 87 posts. He has some big cods, stands his ground, believes in his convictions and says that he has met men in jail that are more respectful than some of the members on this site. He does not know Scott but told him that he fucked upÂ…and he would support Scott in his quit. Then he was evidently offended by something that Diesel said and told Diesel that he sounded like a bitter old woman and he could blow it out his assÂ…and then told him to fuck off! Pretty ballsy for a guy with just 14 days under his belt
CS: Quite the summaryÂ…
Wmcatty: So where do you stand on this issue?
CS: WhoÂ….me?
Wmcatty: YeahÂ…..you!
CS: WellÂ…..IÂ….uh
(Just then, CS sees his reflection in wmcattyÂ’s mirror sunglassesÂ…..heÂ’s Luby)
CS: {blurting out loud} Holy crap IÂ’m Peepers!
Wmcatty: {confused look} PeepersÂ….what are you talking about?
CS as Peepers: OhÂ….{clearing throat} I said jeepers, they should ban him!
Wmcatty: OhÂ…hahaÂ….for a second there I thought you said Peepers
CS as Peepers: {playing it off} PfftÂ….what is a Peepers anyways?
Wmcatty: YeahÂ….hahaÂ….so you really think he should be banned?
CS as Peepers: Its in the board guidelines and what he did is unforgivable
Wmcatty: You donÂ’t think that has a negative impact on the whole site?
CS as Peepers: DonÂ’t careÂ…..roll call is sacredÂ….he pooped on it, he pooped on everythingÂ…..
(Just then, nebraskadad and Sleestak start arguing)
Nebraskadad: I DON'T want some of you self important pricks have. If your QUIT is based on fear and anger then your lives have to be pretty fucking hollow
Sleestak: How people can fail to see the seriousness of what he has done is beyond me. Maybe some of you are still foggy? Scott does not weaken my quit, he made a mockery of this site and a fool of himself in doing so. I am not angry, not afraid, and also not willing to accept his word
Diesel: Couldn't agree more sleestak. A lot of nerve to tell us "anoited divas and man nannies"why we are quitting
Cdaniels: {walking into the middle of the crowd and raising his arms} All this bull shit needs to stop one way or another..... I can see no possible good out come here, for no one. This shit is going to keep up until it no longer is what it was. So everyone please just STOP
Jake frawley: Thank you! We all need to get off this thread. We are allies, here for the same reason
Jayd41: i'm over the pissing match diesel...you don't have to support anyone in any way if you don't want to...i was told when i first started this site to stay involved, well i'm involved. Maybe i am too forgiving, maybe i shouldn't take this guy in my corner but i did, again you don't have to like it, but i would stick up for him just like i am going to stick up for russell, jake and the rest of august. And i'm accusing some of being assholes
Kana: If it wasn't for diesel I wouldn't be where I am today. He's definitely on the list of brothers that helped save my life, so I will back him up to the grave
(Just then, scottmacek stands up on a chair to address the angry mob)
Scottmacek: Things are different now because my life is more organized and scheduled, I accept that I'm a piece of shit addict that is no different than the bum on the corner begging for change to by some crack cocaine when it comes to chew, and I'm trying to atone for my transgressions. Also, I bought the fake chew for the first time and make sure that I have gum on me all of the time. I am not going to drink alcohol for the first 50 days in attempt to keep my mind as strong as possible
Romandog: Yeah, right.. Whatever...
Dchogs: Not to keep pissing on the electric fence, but scotty-boy, i'd like you to answer this post i made in your group. you said that i was mischaracterizing the situation, implying that i was lying about shit just to get on your case. funny, i don't like being called a liar. tell me where i'm lying or twisting things
Spartonron: To overtly lie about your day count cheapens what the rest of us do on a daily basis
(Polish Workhorse begins playing kumbuya on his guitar)
Polish Workhorse: Can we get a hug circle up in this mug...?
Jayd41: I like Johnny Cash
Wastepanel: In the 80Â’s, I spent most of my day listening to dead Kennedys and social distortion at work, but I'm all over the place on my music tastes. Fucking loved metal and was just telling my sister how I met korn years ago at lallapalooza and got punched in the nose (while on MTV news). Met guys from slipknot and anthrax last summer when we snuck backstage at a concert. Traveled 6 hours to see thrice in Chicago last year as well and ended up hanging out with singer at a bar
CS as Peepers: When did we start talking about 80Â’s music?
Wastepanel: {winking at CS} ArenÂ’t you supposed to be someone else?
CS as Peepers: {realizing that WP knows who he is} OhÂ….yeah
Jake frawley: By the way, whatÂ’s the law of diminishing returnsÂ…nevermindÂ…lol
Romandog: There is a point to all of this, actually... I'd rather be the asshole now than read his obituary later, thank you
Gmann: Nice post
Wmcatty: This has turned into one of the most volatile forums on the entire KTC site
CS as Peepers: I think it is time to hear from admin..... Lots of you know me, I am not a drama guy, and I want everyone quit. But Scott should not be a member here. HE POSTED ROLL WHILE USING. It is that simple. I said it before and I will say it again, I am at 676 this is still a fight for me I get dip dreams and I wake up terrified not because I failed (that sucks but failure is a part of life) I wake up with a pit in my stomach because the part that makes these dreams a nightmare is letting down my brothers of KTC, this is life and death to me, my brothers here help save my life everyday and I will do the same for them. If I can't trust their promise this site is cheapened
Its_Got2Happen: 'Popcorn'
Mcarmo: Scott really screwed up, but this site is not a democracy. I've seen 2 others banned here in my time and believe it kills the Admins to do it, because it cuts off a life line to someone who needs help, which is the whole purpose of this site. Drama on this site has many purposes, sometimes when you are new you need a distraction, you need someone to hate so your anger doesn't spill into your normal life, sometimes its is to show everyone else "Hey you better never do this," and yes I will bet sometimes "Vet's" need drama too. It is also a way to teach. This site is based on accountability, part of that comes from not being able to lie to one another because we all know all the tricks, we've all told all the lies. The two things that are asked 1) Don't post roll while using, 2) Don't use multiple screen names Scott broke both of those, he needs to prove himself again and time will be the biggest test
Its_Got2Happen: Damn well stated mcarmo
(Just then, DeanTheCoot walks up in his boxers, flops his balls over the waistband and proceeds to take a piss)
DeanTheCoot: Oh, and here's the answer to everything: Focus on yourself and your quit, and on the people at KTC who are doing the same. That WILL NOT fail you. The people who join this community and don't "get" it were never going to help you - or themselves - anyway. So it doesn't matter if they miss roll, cave or lie. Yes, on the surface, it spoils the sanctity of KTC. But the guy who posts roll while dipping never regarded KTC as sacred in the first place. Which means he doesn't exist. Which means this entire thread doesn't exist. Which means I took far too much LSD in the early 1990s
CS as Peepers: Speaking of LSD, does anyone else feel dizzy?
(CS sneaks away from the crowd to get some air and Zam pops out of thin air)
Zam: Hey Coach, nice 500!
CS as Peepers: Holy shit you scared me! And how do you know who I am?
Zam: {punching keys on a 80Â’s low tech device} IÂ’m Zam, I know everything
CS as Peepers: ZamÂ…..oh I get it. Let me guessÂ….youÂ’re here to take me home?
Zam: You betÂ…..ready to go?
CS as Peepers: Hell yeahÂ…IÂ’m fucking exhausted
(Zam punches some keys on his low tech device and the cyber hole opens up in the Ethernet)
CS as Peepers: Hold onÂ….IÂ’ve got something IÂ’ve always wanted to do..
(CS pulls up Peepers’ trademark black cape and says, “Behold, the Great Peepers” as he steps into the cyber hole. After another trip through the psychedelic worm hole CS lands safely back as his Intro bungalow where the quitters are frolicking, cooking out and drinking beer)
Gmann: {handing CS a cold beer} Well done sir!
Wastepanel: IndeedÂ…..now if youÂ’ll excuse me I think I just wet myself reading this
(CS exchanges hive fives and handshakes with the other quitters gathered for his 500th and he sees Cbird slowly walking up to himÂ…)
Cbird: CoachÂ….my friend, thereÂ’s been something IÂ’ve wanted to do for a long timeÂ….
CS: Oh yeah, what is it?
(Just then, Cbird gives CS a big bear hug)
Rated: Group hug time!
CS: {as all the quitters swarm in for a group hug} Nooooooooo!
Gmann: {putting on his pink sunglasses} Bunch of homos
CS: Hey G?
Gmann: Yeah Coach?
CS: FUGM
Gmann: {smiling as he starts up his pink Volkswagon Beetle and shifts it into gear} FUCS
(As Gmann pulls a 180 and peels down the driveway you can see CS waiving in the dust
CS: {turning back towards the group and raising his beer} Quit Like Fuck!
Group: {raising their beers in unison} Quit Like Fuck!
(Just then, Bruce drives up)
Bruce: Sorry IÂ’m lateÂ….is it too late for full homo time?
CS: NeverÂ…..
(The EndÂ….bitches)
