We Quit Like Fuck

[Coach Steve]

Originally Posted on March 16, 2012

(Coach Steve awakens in the glass house of April to the sound of someone knocking on his bedroom door. "Come in," mutters Coach Steve as he wipes the sleep from his eyes and leans up on his pillow. Cbird opens the door and walks in.)

Cbird: Rise and shine sleepy head. Looks like I missed the party last night
Coach Steve: Yeah man, it was crazy down at the June 12 house last night
Cbird: Yeah I heard about that SWJ dude posting a day 1. Did you guys happen to see Otter around last night?
Coach Steve: Naw, I haven't seen that dude around in a few days. But I also visited the live chat house last night so I didn't get home until late
Cbird: You guys have a good time?
Coach Steve: You know it. Vadge was off work, PTW, Rated, Auburn and Tstahr were also there from April. I was kicking back beers with Tex and Bruce and it got later than I thought
Cbird: Well, you'd better hop out of bed and head downstairs
Coach Steve: What happened?
Cbird: Just go look
(Coach Steve brushes his teeth and plods down the stairs to find Moondawggy, BBM, Crockett and IRISH gathered in the corner of the living room. As he approaches the group he notices a large sign posted in the front hallway that read "Have you seen this Quitter?" Above the sign was a picture of an Otter)
Moon: Coach is going to be so mad
Coach Steve: Mad about what?
Crockett: Oh shit, what up Coach, didn't know you were up
Coach Steve: Yeah Cbird woke me up, told me something was up
BBM: Perhaps I should be the one to tell him?
Moon: No I think I should be the one to do it
Coach Steve: Look, just tell me, I promise not to get mad
Moon: Like you promise for reals?
Coach Steve: Dammit, just fucking tell me
Crockett: These fuckers broke your soapbox last night Coach
Moon: [looking at Crockett] What do you mean "these fuckers?" You had something to do with it too you piece of sh.....
BBM: [interrupting] Alright, that's enough. Tell him the truth
Moon: Ok. I borrowed your soapbox and took it to SWJ's intro thread tent party last night.
Coach Steve: You took the soapbox out of the April house?
Moon: [slumping his shoulders]Yes, but Coach I wanted everyone to hear what I had to say
Coach Steve: Just stop right there. How did it break?
Moon: Well when I got done using it at SWJ's tent party, IRISH wanted to use it
IRISH: That's true, sorry Coach
Coach Steve: So how did it break?
Moon: Well a bunch of people wanted to use it after IRISH. Souliman hopped up there along with Grizzly25 and Zam
Coach Steve: You didn't stop them?
Moon: Coach, you gotta understand, it was crowded and there were too many of them
Coach Steve: So did someone else break it?
Moon: Not really, it wasn't broken when we brought it back to the house, just loose
Coach Steve: So then how'd it break?
Crockett: Well when he got back, I wanted to use it too
Coach Steve: For what?
Crockett: This one quitter got pissed about my list and I lost it
Coach Steve: Who was it? Did he post it on the main board?
Crockett: Naw man. He told someone else in private and that person let me know
Coach Steve: I see. So did you break it?
Crockett: Well, kinda...
Coach Steve: What do you mean kinda?
BBM: So Coach, here's the deal. I came in last night and Crockett was up on the wobbly soapbox yelling about how dudes are supposed to be tough and not have any feelings and stuff like that
Coach Steve: And?
BBM: So when he was done, I jumped right up there too. You know, cause dudes do have feelings and stuff
Coach Steve: Did it break then?
BBM: Not exactly right then. When I was done, Moon wanted to say something too
Moon: Yeah. I got up there after BBM. Coach, I was just pissed man, you know the SWJ tent got me fired up and then I come back home and Crockett is yelling about how awesome his coloring is and shit
Crockett: You're a fucking liar! My coloring is the best!
Moon: Oh yeah, well you're a prick and the sky isn't brown!
Coach Steve: Gentleman! Please, for the love of God will you just shut the fuck up
BBM: Um Coach, now might not be the best time but could you please not say the "F" word and God in the same sentence?
Coach Steve: Sorry brother. Anyways, how did the fucking soapbox break?
IRISH: For pete's sake, I'll tell him. Moon, Crockett and BBM were fighting over who got to use the soapbox next and each one of them had a hand on trying to pull it away from the other.....and it just...broke
Coach Steve: Fucking children. You know that was my grandfather's soapbox? It had a special significance to me because he never used tobacco in his whole life
Moon: Coach, I'm so sorry...
Crockett: Maybe you should've gotten a better soapbox that didn't suck?
Coach Steve: Really Crockett? Now is not the time!
Crockett: You're right
[Crockett makes his way out of the living room and into the front hall to begin working on his incredibly offensive list of accountability]
BBM: Well brothers, I gotta run. My flock really needs me this time of the year. It's like a Christian Super Bowl
IRISH: Me too, gotta go look after some school children and then pump some iron
Coach Steve: Later fellas, thanks for the honesty
(BBM and IRISH exit the house and leave Moon and Coach Steve standing in the living room)
Moon: Maybe we can glue it together or something?
Coach Steve: Don't worry about it. We'll just use a chair or something from now on I guess

(The faint sound of Crockett scribbling on a chalk board can be heard in the glass house of April. Cbird is still roaming from room to room asking if anyone has seen Otter?)

[cbird65]

(Coach Steve pulls into the driveway of the glass house of April 12 and parks next to PTW's truck. "What is sex cavating anyways?" me mutters to himself as he climbs out of his car. He notices that the front door of the glass house of April is open and several quitters are gathered in the hallway looking at something on the wall and rabbling amongst themselves)

Coach Steve: {walking up the steps} What's going on now?
Texasjack: Coach MFN Steve!! {turning to the group} Guys! Coach MFN Steve is here!!
(All of the quitters in the front hallway turn and begin to cheer)
nv0311: {throwing his dirty laundry in the air in an apparent celebration} Yaaah! We're saved!
Coach Steve: You bet, what's up?
Texasjack: I don't know Coach, seems like some mystery dude posted a HOF speech while no one was looking
Coach Steve: What? How is that possible?
Texasjack: That's what we're trying to figure out
(Coach Steve begins wadding his way through the crowded hallway in order to see what everyone is talking about and suddenly feels someone pinch his ass)
Coach Steve: {turning to see who it was} What the..?
(Coach Steve locks eyes with Rated, who winks and blows him a kiss. Without saying a word, Coach Steve catches the kiss with his hand and places it on his cheek}
Tstahr: You guys are so ghey
Rated: {looking at Tstahr} You wanna piece of this?
Tstahr: Sure why not..
(Rated proceeds to fireman carry Tstahr up the stairs to his room)
Coach Steve: {shaking his head} Maybe I did write gay porn in a former lifeÂ….?
(Coach Steve is unable to make his way through the extremely crowded hallway to see what everyone is gawking at when RenegadeMMA busts in through the front door)
RenegadeMMA: Well IÂ’ll be damned, you boys look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Coach Steve: RobÂ…what up man?
RenegadeMMA: Not much CoachÂ…hey, do you mind posting for me today?
Coach Steve: You bet
RenegadeMMA: Thanks, IÂ’ve got to head back to the gym to beat the shit out of some Asian people
Coach Steve: {raising his eyebrows} Just Asian people?
RenegadeMMA: {confused look} Yeah why?
Coach Steve: OkÂ…..do you mind helping me clear the way a bit here before you go?
RenegadeMMA: You got it!
(RenegadeMMA proceeds to donkey punch and jumping round house kick a swath through the crowded hallway. By the time Coach Steve gets to the Wall of Fame he finds RenegadeMMA has put Hipster in a brutal figure four)
Hipster: Ahhhhh!! Public savagery!!! Help me Mcarmo and Luby!!!
(Luby is seen peeking into one of the windows in the living room, looking to his left and right, and then descending as if he were doing the fake elevator trick)
Coach Steve: {tapping RenegadeMMA on the shoulder} ThatÂ’s quite enough Rob
RenegadeMMA: But Coach this dude tried to buy me a Zima!
Coach Steve: HeÂ’s just trying to be nice and buy the new HOFers drinks
RenegadeMMA: {releasing his grip on Hipster} Oh, my B dudeÂ….
Hipster: What is it with you savages? Do you people know boundaries?
Vadge: No, but Cbird knows about rear entry solutions
JJ Price: {adjusting his weight belt and looking at PTW} He sure doesÂ…Â…
PTW: What the fuck dudeÂ…..again? Why do people always look at me when they say shit like that?!?
Coach Steve: Alright now what the fuck isÂ…Â….?
(Coach Steve stops mid sentence as he sees what everyone is rabbling aboutÂ…a napkin with writing on it that has been taped to the Wall of Fame)
Coach Steve: Who the fuck is Dennis?
Vadge: You donÂ’t remember Ole DJ?
Dethan: Yeah, he feckin posted in April like 3 times and then leftÂ…nevah heard from his ass again dere
Coach Steve: {reading the napkin} Who gives a fuck about home brews?
BWB: {raising his hand} I do Coach, but IÂ’ll also drink rice water
Coach Steve: And what in the hell does “pinch the bear” mean?
Auburn: Think it means to flog the pork sword?
Coach Steve: You would say thatÂ…so why does this guy get to post a speech?
Cbird: Not sure, IÂ’ve requested an explanation from the Admins
(Just then, the group hears a loud *poof* and Chewie appears in the living room. He is holding a small yellow sticky note and he proceeds to walk up to the Wall of Fame and tape the sticky note on the wall)
Chewie: {looking at Coach Steve} I put your HOF coin in the mail, thanks for your order
Coach Steve: UhÂ…..thanks
Chewie: Be quit! See ya!
(Chewie vanishes with a *poof*)
Coach Steve: {looking at the sticky note} You gotta be fucking kidding me!
BWB: First Dennis? Now Clay? IÂ’m going to have a fucking meltdown!
JJ Price: Where do these guys come from?
(Just then, Moondawggy and IRISH walk into the house followed by SWJ and his hooligan monkey squad)
Moondawggy: Well boys, we got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that SWJÂ’s hooligan monkey squad shit all over the front porch and proceeded to pelt old Euty with fecal matter while he was on his way to the KTC strip club
BWB: KTC has a strip club?
Texasjack: Damn right, supportin them single mothers!!
Coach Steve: Yeah I think Fizzle is dancing there these days..
Texasjack: Fizzle? She sounds hot!
Vadge: WellÂ…..sheÂ’s not fatÂ…Â…
Coach Steve: Anyways, whatÂ’s the good news?
IRISH: {brushing SWJÂ’s fro out of his face} The good news is that before SWJÂ’s monkey shat on the porch they did a little reconnaissance for usÂ…
BWB: What do you meanÂ…?
SWJ: My monkey hooligan squad have used their unrivaled stealth powers to find out where Dennis and Clay are hiding out
Coach Steve: Where exactly is that?
Moondawggy: WeÂ’re pretty sure theyÂ’re holed up in the old dilapidated November 2005 house of asbestos
Coach Steve: IsnÂ’t that place condemned? No oneÂ’s lived there since 2008
Cbird: No Coach, itÂ’s perfect, no one would think to look there
SWJ: Everyone but my hooligan monkey squadÂ….
Coach Steve: {dodging fecal matter} Thanks SWJ
SWJ: DonÂ’t thank me, thank my hooligan monkey squad. By the way, have I told you guys the story of Big Red?
Coach Steve: {looking out the window at the dilapidated November 2005 house} Save that thought SWJÂ….
Moondawggy: What are you thinking Coach?
Coach Steve: IÂ’ve got a plan to flush these fuckers out, but weÂ’re gonna need all hands on deckÂ…..

(Coach Steve begins to diagram his plan of attack for the group on the random white board sitting in the front hallwayÂ…..)

{Back to the Future style} To be continuedÂ…Â…Â….

I seriously love the quit like fuck installments.

Think you guys might invite the Platoon over the the April house for the fourth of July?

That could be an interesting party.

MT- stick around - it only gets better- the quit and also the demented mind of Coach Steve and his cast of not ready for prime time players

Bring the gang over - but you'd better post roll before entering 'crackup'

[Mthomas3824]

(Coach Steve pulls into the driveway of the glass house of April 12 and parks next to PTW's truck. "What is sex cavating anyways?" me mutters to himself as he climbs out of his car. He notices that the front door of the glass house of April is open and several quitters are gathered in the hallway looking at something on the wall and rabbling amongst themselves)

Coach Steve: {walking up the steps} What's going on now?
Texasjack: Coach MFN Steve!! {turning to the group} Guys! Coach MFN Steve is here!!
(All of the quitters in the front hallway turn and begin to cheer)
nv0311: {throwing his dirty laundry in the air in an apparent celebration} Yaaah! We're saved!
Coach Steve: You bet, what's up?
Texasjack: I don't know Coach, seems like some mystery dude posted a HOF speech while no one was looking
Coach Steve: What? How is that possible?
Texasjack: That's what we're trying to figure out
(Coach Steve begins wadding his way through the crowded hallway in order to see what everyone is talking about and suddenly feels someone pinch his ass)
Coach Steve: {turning to see who it was} What the..?
(Coach Steve locks eyes with Rated, who winks and blows him a kiss. Without saying a word, Coach Steve catches the kiss with his hand and places it on his cheek}
Tstahr: You guys are so ghey
Rated: {looking at Tstahr} You wanna piece of this?
Tstahr: Sure why not..
(Rated proceeds to fireman carry Tstahr up the stairs to his room)
Coach Steve: {shaking his head} Maybe I did write gay porn in a former lifeÂ….?
(Coach Steve is unable to make his way through the extremely crowded hallway to see what everyone is gawking at when RenegadeMMA busts in through the front door)
RenegadeMMA: Well IÂ’ll be damned, you boys look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Coach Steve: RobÂ…what up man?
RenegadeMMA: Not much CoachÂ…hey, do you mind posting for me today?
Coach Steve: You bet
RenegadeMMA: Thanks, IÂ’ve got to head back to the gym to beat the shit out of some Asian people
Coach Steve: {raising his eyebrows} Just Asian people?
RenegadeMMA: {confused look} Yeah why?
Coach Steve: OkÂ…..do you mind helping me clear the way a bit here before you go?
RenegadeMMA: You got it!
(RenegadeMMA proceeds to donkey punch and jumping round house kick a swath through the crowded hallway. By the time Coach Steve gets to the Wall of Fame he finds RenegadeMMA has put Hipster in a brutal figure four)
Hipster: Ahhhhh!! Public savagery!!! Help me Mcarmo and Luby!!!
(Luby is seen peeking into one of the windows in the living room, looking to his left and right, and then descending as if he were doing the fake elevator trick)
Coach Steve: {tapping RenegadeMMA on the shoulder} ThatÂ’s quite enough Rob
RenegadeMMA: But Coach this dude tried to buy me a Zima!
Coach Steve: HeÂ’s just trying to be nice and buy the new HOFers drinks
RenegadeMMA: {releasing his grip on Hipster} Oh, my B dudeÂ….
Hipster: What is it with you savages? Do you people know boundaries?
Vadge: No, but Cbird knows about rear entry solutions
JJ Price: {adjusting his weight belt and looking at PTW} He sure doesÂ…Â…
PTW: What the fuck dudeÂ…..again? Why do people always look at me when they say shit like that?!?
Coach Steve: Alright now what the fuck isÂ…Â….?
(Coach Steve stops mid sentence as he sees what everyone is rabbling aboutÂ…a napkin with writing on it that has been taped to the Wall of Fame)
Coach Steve: Who the fuck is Dennis?
Vadge: You donÂ’t remember Ole DJ?
Dethan: Yeah, he feckin posted in April like 3 times and then leftÂ…nevah heard from his ass again dere
Coach Steve: {reading the napkin} Who gives a fuck about home brews?
BWB: {raising his hand} I do Coach, but IÂ’ll also drink rice water
Coach Steve: And what in the hell does “pinch the bear” mean?
Auburn: Think it means to flog the pork sword?
Coach Steve: You would say thatÂ…so why does this guy get to post a speech?
Cbird: Not sure, IÂ’ve requested an explanation from the Admins
(Just then, the group hears a loud *poof* and Chewie appears in the living room. He is holding a small yellow sticky note and he proceeds to walk up to the Wall of Fame and tape the sticky note on the wall)
Chewie: {looking at Coach Steve} I put your HOF coin in the mail, thanks for your order
Coach Steve: UhÂ…..thanks
Chewie: Be quit! See ya!
(Chewie vanishes with a *poof*)
Coach Steve: {looking at the sticky note} You gotta be fucking kidding me!
BWB: First Dennis? Now Clay? IÂ’m going to have a fucking meltdown!
JJ Price: Where do these guys come from?
(Just then, Moondawggy and IRISH walk into the house followed by SWJ and his hooligan monkey squad)
Moondawggy: Well boys, we got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that SWJÂ’s hooligan monkey squad shit all over the front porch and proceeded to pelt old Euty with fecal matter while he was on his way to the KTC strip club
BWB: KTC has a strip club?
Texasjack: Damn right, supportin them single mothers!!
Coach Steve: Yeah I think Fizzle is dancing there these days..
Texasjack: Fizzle? She sounds hot!
Vadge: WellÂ…..sheÂ’s not fatÂ…Â…
Coach Steve: Anyways, whatÂ’s the good news?
IRISH: {brushing SWJÂ’s fro out of his face} The good news is that before SWJÂ’s monkey shat on the porch they did a little reconnaissance for usÂ…
BWB: What do you meanÂ…?
SWJ: My monkey hooligan squad have used their unrivaled stealth powers to find out where Dennis and Clay are hiding out
Coach Steve: Where exactly is that?
Moondawggy: WeÂ’re pretty sure theyÂ’re holed up in the old dilapidated November 2005 house of asbestos
Coach Steve: IsnÂ’t that place condemned? No oneÂ’s lived there since 2008
Cbird: No Coach, itÂ’s perfect, no one would think to look there
SWJ: Everyone but my hooligan monkey squadÂ….
Coach Steve: {dodging fecal matter} Thanks SWJ
SWJ: DonÂ’t thank me, thank my hooligan monkey squad. By the way, have I told you guys the story of Big Red?
Coach Steve: {looking out the window at the dilapidated November 2005 house} Save that thought SWJÂ….
Moondawggy: What are you thinking Coach?
Coach Steve: IÂ’ve got a plan to flush these fuckers out, but weÂ’re gonna need all hands on deckÂ…..

(Coach Steve begins to diagram his plan of attack for the group on the random white board sitting in the front hallwayÂ…..)

{Back to the Future style} To be continuedÂ…Â…Â….

I seriously love the quit like fuck installments.

Think you guys might invite the Platoon over the the April house for the fourth of July?

That could be an interesting party.

[Coach Steve]

(Coach Steve pulls into the driveway of the glass house of April 12 and parks next to PTW's truck. "What is sex cavating anyways?" me mutters to himself as he climbs out of his car. He notices that the front door of the glass house of April is open and several quitters are gathered in the hallway looking at something on the wall and rabbling amongst themselves)

Coach Steve: {walking up the steps} What's going on now?
Texasjack: Coach MFN Steve!! {turning to the group} Guys! Coach MFN Steve is here!!
(All of the quitters in the front hallway turn and begin to cheer)
nv0311: {throwing his dirty laundry in the air in an apparent celebration} Yaaah! We're saved!
Coach Steve: You bet, what's up?
Texasjack: I don't know Coach, seems like some mystery dude posted a HOF speech while no one was looking
Coach Steve: What? How is that possible?
Texasjack: That's what we're trying to figure out
(Coach Steve begins wadding his way through the crowded hallway in order to see what everyone is talking about and suddenly feels someone pinch his ass)
Coach Steve: {turning to see who it was} What the..?
(Coach Steve locks eyes with Rated, who winks and blows him a kiss. Without saying a word, Coach Steve catches the kiss with his hand and places it on his cheek}
Tstahr: You guys are so ghey
Rated: {looking at Tstahr} You wanna piece of this?
Tstahr: Sure why not..
(Rated proceeds to fireman carry Tstahr up the stairs to his room)
Coach Steve: {shaking his head} Maybe I did write gay porn in a former lifeÂ….?
(Coach Steve is unable to make his way through the extremely crowded hallway to see what everyone is gawking at when RenegadeMMA busts in through the front door)
RenegadeMMA: Well IÂ’ll be damned, you boys look like you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Coach Steve: RobÂ…what up man?
RenegadeMMA: Not much CoachÂ…hey, do you mind posting for me today?
Coach Steve: You bet
RenegadeMMA: Thanks, IÂ’ve got to head back to the gym to beat the shit out of some Asian people
Coach Steve: {raising his eyebrows} Just Asian people?
RenegadeMMA: {confused look} Yeah why?
Coach Steve: OkÂ…..do you mind helping me clear the way a bit here before you go?
RenegadeMMA: You got it!
(RenegadeMMA proceeds to donkey punch and jumping round house kick a swath through the crowded hallway. By the time Coach Steve gets to the Wall of Fame he finds RenegadeMMA has put Hipster in a brutal figure four)
Hipster: Ahhhhh!! Public savagery!!! Help me Mcarmo and Luby!!!
(Luby is seen peeking into one of the windows in the living room, looking to his left and right, and then descending as if he were doing the fake elevator trick)
Coach Steve: {tapping RenegadeMMA on the shoulder} ThatÂ’s quite enough Rob
RenegadeMMA: But Coach this dude tried to buy me a Zima!
Coach Steve: HeÂ’s just trying to be nice and buy the new HOFers drinks
RenegadeMMA: {releasing his grip on Hipster} Oh, my B dudeÂ….
Hipster: What is it with you savages? Do you people know boundaries?
Vadge: No, but Cbird knows about rear entry solutions
JJ Price: {adjusting his weight belt and looking at PTW} He sure doesÂ…Â…
PTW: What the fuck dudeÂ…..again? Why do people always look at me when they say shit like that?!?
Coach Steve: Alright now what the fuck isÂ…Â….?
(Coach Steve stops mid sentence as he sees what everyone is rabbling aboutÂ…a napkin with writing on it that has been taped to the Wall of Fame)
Coach Steve: Who the fuck is Dennis?
Vadge: You donÂ’t remember Ole DJ?
Dethan: Yeah, he feckin posted in April like 3 times and then leftÂ…nevah heard from his ass again dere
Coach Steve: {reading the napkin} Who gives a fuck about home brews?
BWB: {raising his hand} I do Coach, but IÂ’ll also drink rice water
Coach Steve: And what in the hell does “pinch the bear” mean?
Auburn: Think it means to flog the pork sword?
Coach Steve: You would say thatÂ…so why does this guy get to post a speech?
Cbird: Not sure, IÂ’ve requested an explanation from the Admins
(Just then, the group hears a loud *poof* and Chewie appears in the living room. He is holding a small yellow sticky note and he proceeds to walk up to the Wall of Fame and tape the sticky note on the wall)
Chewie: {looking at Coach Steve} I put your HOF coin in the mail, thanks for your order
Coach Steve: UhÂ…..thanks
Chewie: Be quit! See ya!
(Chewie vanishes with a *poof*)
Coach Steve: {looking at the sticky note} You gotta be fucking kidding me!
BWB: First Dennis? Now Clay? IÂ’m going to have a fucking meltdown!
JJ Price: Where do these guys come from?
(Just then, Moondawggy and IRISH walk into the house followed by SWJ and his hooligan monkey squad)
Moondawggy: Well boys, we got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that SWJÂ’s hooligan monkey squad shit all over the front porch and proceeded to pelt old Euty with fecal matter while he was on his way to the KTC strip club
BWB: KTC has a strip club?
Texasjack: Damn right, supportin them single mothers!!
Coach Steve: Yeah I think Fizzle is dancing there these days..
Texasjack: Fizzle? She sounds hot!
Vadge: WellÂ…..sheÂ’s not fatÂ…Â…
Coach Steve: Anyways, whatÂ’s the good news?
IRISH: {brushing SWJÂ’s fro out of his face} The good news is that before SWJÂ’s monkey shat on the porch they did a little reconnaissance for usÂ…
BWB: What do you meanÂ…?
SWJ: My monkey hooligan squad have used their unrivaled stealth powers to find out where Dennis and Clay are hiding out
Coach Steve: Where exactly is that?
Moondawggy: WeÂ’re pretty sure theyÂ’re holed up in the old dilapidated November 2005 house of asbestos
Coach Steve: IsnÂ’t that place condemned? No oneÂ’s lived there since 2008
Cbird: No Coach, itÂ’s perfect, no one would think to look there
SWJ: Everyone but my hooligan monkey squadÂ….
Coach Steve: {dodging fecal matter} Thanks SWJ
SWJ: DonÂ’t thank me, thank my hooligan monkey squad. By the way, have I told you guys the story of Big Red?
Coach Steve: {looking out the window at the dilapidated November 2005 house} Save that thought SWJÂ….
Moondawggy: What are you thinking Coach?
Coach Steve: IÂ’ve got a plan to flush these fuckers out, but weÂ’re gonna need all hands on deckÂ…..

(Coach Steve begins to diagram his plan of attack for the group on the random white board sitting in the front hallwayÂ…..)

{Back to the Future style} To be continuedÂ…Â…Â….

[Coach Steve]

Alright quitters, its time for another installment of the Narrative Series. Most of the installments are centered around particular events on KTC and this one is no exception. Of course the randomness adds to the intrigue and hilarity. Before anyone asks, the "bandwagon fans" reference is completely random and just popped into my head, so please don't ask me what it means. Originally posted on March 22, 2012.

(Coach Steve pulls into the driveway of the glass house of April and breathes a sigh of relief as he notices that Gmann's VW Rabbit convertible is parked on the street instead of in his space. "Bout damn time" he mutters to himself, thankful that just for today he didn't have to look at the bumper sticker on Gmann's Rabbit that reads "Sweep the Hetero's Leg." As he walks towards the front porch, he notices that a crowd has once again gathered at the June 12 house. Texasjack and Cbird are hanging out on the front porch)

Coach Steve: What up?
Cbird: Not a thing. Just watching the quitters
Texasjack: Just got off a plane brother
Coach Steve: I see there's a party at the June 12 house again
Cbird: As per the usual, we've got another poor soul returning to post his Day 1
Coach Steve: Who was it?
Cbird: Some dude that calls himself the Weatherman
Texasjack: Cbird's been telling me he blasted some "Vet" in his HOF speech
(BWB pulls into the driveway and parks in his usual spot...wherever the fuck he wants)
BWB: {leaning out of his window} I knew I'd find you phags loitering on the porch
Coach Steve: They call you Beast cause your ghey right?
BWB: Why you little...
(Everyone looks skyward and sees CNC and NOLAQ parachuting into the front yard. What was supposed to be a smooth landing turns into a disaster. CNC ends up toppling into the bushes next to the front porch and NOLAQ sprains his ankle trying to avoid running straight into BWB's truck)
CNC: {dusting himself off} Where is that little turd bucket?
BWB: Exactly which turd bucket are you referring to?
NOLAQ: Oh you're a smart ass fuck aren't you? Why don't you back up that power plant talk?
Texasjack: He said ass fuck. Ha!
Cbird: {motioning at TJ to stop talking} Gentlemen. What brings you to the glass house of April 12? Name your business or please move along
CNC: The glass house of April.....? NOLAQ, you're landing zone placement sucks worse than Auburn's moustache rides!
NOLAQ: Well you should've...wait, what the fuck did you just say?
CNC: Uhhhh
Coach Steve: Damnit all. I'm pretty sure Auburn is breaking some prostitution laws around here
Cbird: Gentlemen, can we help you?
NOLAQ: I guess not, which way is the June 12 house?
Coach Steve: Second house down on the left
NOLAQ: {pointing at CS} You owe me an explanation
Coach Steve: For what?
NOLAQ: {still pointing at CS} You know...
Coach Steve: No one questions your badassery
(SWJ appears from the April 12 house where he is sub-leasing Scott H. and mlknight's room until the group can figure out what to do with it)
SWJ: I don't question your badassery
NOLAQ: {shedding a single tear} You pube lickers can go fuck yourself, let's roll Colonel!
CNC: Fucking bandwagon fans!
BWB: What does that even mean?

(CNC and NOLAQ double time it down to the June 12 house....)

[Coach Steve]

There's really not much to say about this installment of the Narrative Series. This one was posted after the conclusion of the "Great Cave Drama" of April 12 and it was time for some unadulteRATED humor. Pun intended. Originally posted on March 15, 2012.

(Coach Steve makes his way downstairs and breathes a sigh of relief when all he hears is BWB and ERDVM chatting at the kitchen table over their bowls of Cheerios. BWB is still wearing his power plant operator outfit and his yellow hard hat while ERDVM is sporting the usual white lab coat with his Vaginascope still hanging around his neck.)

Coach Steve: I had the craziest dream last night
ERDVM: What was it Coach?
Coach Steve: Well, I dreamed that LOOT came to our house last night
BWB: He really did stop by last night
Coach Steve: Really? The LOOT himself?
BWB: Yep. He came in here with his walker and just stared at everyone for awhile. Then he told us to read April 2011's page start to finish, called us fags, and left
Coach Steve: Sounds awesome
(Coach Steve pulls back the curtains to look out the window)
Coach Steve: I see that gmann finally moved his VW rabbit out of my parking spot
ERDVM: Yeah he was here late last night too
Coach Steve: What did he have to say?
ERDVM: Something about his observations of the drama and when someone is technically a "Vet"
Coach Steve: Was he here for awhile
ERDVM: Not really, he left when RatedRKO16 showed up
Coach Steve: What did Rated do?
ERDVM: Well, after gmann got done giving us his observations, Rated barges in, points at gmann, and says "Hey, It's Rrrrrrrrrraaaaaated! I'm gonna sex up your butt!!"
Coach Steve: What?
BWB: He's not kidding, gmann didn't know what to say
Coach Steve: Wow, that Rated guy is kinda ghey
ERDVM: Yeah, we didn't even get to the good part
Coach Steve: Oh shit, what happened next?
ERDVM: Well Rated decides that he's going to hump gmann's leg
Coach Steve: Oh no
ERDVM: Yep, full on, doggy leg humping. The weirdest part was that Rated just stared gmann right in the eye with a blank look on his face
Coach Steve: Creepy
BWB: Tell me about it, you didn't have to watch it in person
(Pavetheway runs into the dining room)
PTW: Guys, check this shit out, I just found the funniest video on the Internet
ERDVM: What is it?
PTW: I think it's Crockett getting caught butt humping a stuffed sheep
BWB: Classic
(Suddenly the group hears someone stirring in the living room and turns to see who it is. They come face to face with The Crockett)
Crockett: You know I can hear you sheepfuckers talking about me
Coach Steve: Oh, hey Crockett, didn't know you were here
Crockett: You must be blind or something if you can't see someone in a glass house you fucking tard bucket
ERDVM: So Crockett, whatcha doing in there?
Crockett: Oh, not much, just getting the sorry little bitch list ready for today
BWB: I thought we weren't calling it that anymore
Crockett: Fuck you BWB
BWB: Fair enough
Crockett: Now if you sheepfuckers will excuse me, I have to finish my list

(Crockett returns to the front hallway to continue scribbling his list on the chalkboard, and the sound of chatter in the kitchen gives way to relative silence. The only thing that can be heard in the glass house of April is IRISH pumping iron upstairs....)

[Grizzly25]

Very well said Coach.

This is a war, and the push to 100 days is just the first battle in a war that most never have the courage or character to attempt. You are all to be commended.

Never forget those first days, the hell, the sickness, and dispair, and every step it took to get here. When you forget where you came from you lose sight of where you are heading. At that moment you lose. Be it tomorrow, six months, or six years from now.

I challenge each of you to post to 200. I know you all of you won't do it. Some will think you don't need this place anymore, some will think you are cured, some will just loose interest. I need your daily promise as much as you need mine (like it or not). I at least admit it. I can't imagine 10,000 angry MF's raining down on me for being a liar. Nor will I allow that to happen with my promise everyday.

There are many types of freedom. Freedom from addiction is one. You have taken a step in the right direction, now it is time to take the next step.

Never Again.

Razd -927-

Why would you stop posting roll after reading all the cave stories and one of their reasons for caving is not staying connected with their group and posting roll daily.

Is/was your goal to quit just until you reached HOF? 100 day is a drop in the bucket compared with the rest of your life. If the average man lives to 72, I've got 25 more years or 9125 more days.

So am I going to pound my chest with pride for making it to 100 days? No.
I'll high five everyone I see but at the end of the day, I'm still a recovering nicotine addict looking for one more day of quit

Thats right!!

If I were the pound on chest kind of guy I would pound my chest when each one of my kids graduates high school then when they graduate college reason being I was stong enough and smart enough and humble enough to realize I had a huge problem, chewing!!!

I will be a proud hopefully old parent watching my kids graduate college or doing anything all of their accomplishments I will honor but I wouldnt be there to see them if I hadnt gotten smart and quit my horrible habit!

Great stuff Coach Steve and cbird!!

[cbird65]

Very well said Coach.

This is a war, and the push to 100 days is just the first battle in a war that most never have the courage or character to attempt. You are all to be commended.

Never forget those first days, the hell, the sickness, and dispair, and every step it took to get here. When you forget where you came from you lose sight of where you are heading. At that moment you lose. Be it tomorrow, six months, or six years from now.

I challenge each of you to post to 200. I know you all of you won't do it. Some will think you don't need this place anymore, some will think you are cured, some will just loose interest. I need your daily promise as much as you need mine (like it or not). I at least admit it. I can't imagine 10,000 angry MF's raining down on me for being a liar. Nor will I allow that to happen with my promise everyday.

There are many types of freedom. Freedom from addiction is one. You have taken a step in the right direction, now it is time to take the next step.

Never Again.

Razd -927-

Why would you stop posting roll after reading all the cave stories and one of their reasons for caving is not staying connected with their group and posting roll daily.

Is/was your goal to quit just until you reached HOF? 100 day is a drop in the bucket compared with the rest of your life. If the average man lives to 72, I've got 25 more years or 9125 more days.

So am I going to pound my chest with pride for making it to 100 days? No.
I'll high five everyone I see but at the end of the day, I'm still a recovering nicotine addict looking for one more day of quit

[RAZD611]

Very well said Coach.

This is a war, and the push to 100 days is just the first battle in a war that most never have the courage or character to attempt. You are all to be commended.

Never forget those first days, the hell, the sickness, and dispair, and every step it took to get here. When you forget where you came from you lose sight of where you are heading. At that moment you lose. Be it tomorrow, six months, or six years from now.

I challenge each of you to post to 200. I know you all of you won't do it. Some will think you don't need this place anymore, some will think you are cured, some will just loose interest. I need your daily promise as much as you need mine (like it or not). I at least admit it. I can't imagine 10,000 angry MF's raining down on me for being a liar. Nor will I allow that to happen with my promise everyday.

There are many types of freedom. Freedom from addiction is one. You have taken a step in the right direction, now it is time to take the next step.

Never Again.

Razd -927-

[Coach Steve]

As I sit here and watch the roll posts fly by, I can't help but wonder where the Battered Bumpin Bitches of April will go from here. We are 4 days from our first HOF quitter in April, the one and only Mr. Hipster (early congrats Hip). As much as the HOF is a celebration, it's also a sad time for the group in my opinion. This seemingly magical 100 day milestone marks a great accomplishment for each of us nicotine addicts. However, it also seems to be a time when quitters begin to stray from KTC in droves. I'm sure some of you out there have already been thinking to yourself, "Man, this posting everyday is getting to be a pain in the ass, I just need to make it to the HOF." If this is you, then my plea probably comes too late.

Nevertheless, I beg each and every one of you in April 12 to take the time to reflect on the past, present and future.

The Past:

We all came from the same place. We were nicotine addicts just looking for our next fix of smokeless tobacco. If you were like me, then you had already begun to hate yourself for what you were willingly doing to your body. You had begun to hate yourself for being so selfish that you couldn't control an addiction that in all likelihood was going to kill you and create unimaginable sadness and grief for your loved ones. If you were like me then you had already accepted the fact that you were going to die and smokeless tobacco was going to be the cause. This is where we came from my brothers and sisters of quit. However, the past is only one step behind us. We are still the same out-of-control nicotine addicts that we were the day before we started our quit. We are only one dip away from letting the past catch up to us and again consume our lives. I beg you to never forget where you came from.

The Present:

Some of you are only days away from the HOF, some are still weeks away. We have fought through the most difficult part of our quits, but the war rages on. If you're like me, then you are still fighting craves on a daily basis. If you're like me, then the excitement and adrenaline rush of the early quit has worn off and been replaced by resolve and determination. If you're like me, then you know each day you wake up and pledge your promise to your quit group is another day of freedom from your addiction. If you're like me, then you've met several people through KTC and you keep in touch with them on a daily basis via emails, texts, live chat and phone calls. If you're like me, then you have developed a support group and a solid foundation of accountability. If you're like me, then you know that you can reach out to anyone in your support group for help. If you're like me, you know that this is merely the beginning, that you may have won the battle, but you have not won the war. I beg you never to forget where you came from, or where you are now.

The Future:

You cannot promise your quit group that you will remain quit for the rest of your life. You can only promise that you will remain quit for one day at a time. When I speak of reflecting upon the future, I don't mean thinking about how long you're going to be able to stay quit. What I mean is that you should reflect upon the relationships you've built with your quit brothers and sisters. If you're like me, then you know that these relationships are going to carry your quit into the future. If you're like me, then you realize that each day you post roll, it is not a promise to God, or your wife, or your kids, or your best friend. It is a promise to your fellow nicotine addicts that you will not use smokeless tobacco for one day, and one day only. If you're like me, then you know that a future with nicotine is no future at all. I beg you never to forget where you came from, where you are now, or where you are going.

As a new member of the glass house of April reaches the HOF with each day that passes, we should reflect upon the past, present and future. I cannot promise that I will be here 2 years from today, but I can promise that I will wake up each day and post roll with my brothers and sisters in April 2012. I beg you to never forget.

We Quit Like Fuck.

[Grizzly25]

That is great!!!!!!!!!!!!

'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[Mthomas3824]

This is messed up but makes me laugh. Keep it coming you sick bastards.

[Coach Steve]

Today's installment of the Narrative Series is a recent addition and is actually one of my personal favorites. Even the benevolent Colonel No Cope had some complements for this one. Originally posted on March 25, 2012.

Please enjoy responsibly. And as always, We Quit Like Fuck.

Editor's Note: In NC, buffalo sauce is more reddish brown than orange.

Cast Of Acronym Characters:
BWB = Bigwhitebeast
CNC = Colonel No Cope
DSL = dslisonit

(Coach Steve returns from the matinee showing of The Hunger Games to find several quitters gathered in Auburn's room on the second floor of the glass house of April. As he starts his way up the stairs, he runs into Hipster coming down the stairs)

Hipster: Coach, I'm quit with you, but I wouldn't go up there
Coach Steve: Why's that Hip?
Hipster: Oh, you know. Auburn and gmann pulled an all-nighter moustache ride convention and pretty much trashed his room
Coach Steve: They what?
Hipster: Gotta go Coach, quit with Mcarmo and BBJ
(Hipster leaves the house as Colonel No Cope is coming in)
CNC: Something told me I'd find a big pile of shit stacked in the hallway
Coach Steve: Good to see you too Colonel
CNC: So what the fuck is the major malfunction here?
Coach Steve: I honestly don't really know, I think it has something to do with the moustache ..........
CNC: Spare me the psychobabble bullshit sailor, I know all about the all night moustache ride convention, I'm here for another reason
Coach Steve: What is that? And how do you know about the convention?
CNC: I was there sailor, but that's our little secret {winking}
Coach Steve: Aye Aye Captain
CNC: I'm not a fucking captain you doosh muffin!
Coach Steve: Then why do you call me sailor?
(CNC says nothing and the two share an awkward stare moment....)
CNC: Anyways, I'm checking on Crockett
Coach Steve: He's good I think
CNC: Glad to hear it, I was worried about him
Coach Steve: You were worried?
CNC: Well....what I meant is that I was worried his vagina had grown so much that it was starting to affect his thinking, that's all I meant
Coach Steve: Of course you did
(BWB enters the front door)
BWB: Nice job Coach! DSL is going to be pissed!!
Coach Steve: What do you mean Beast?
BWB: You know what I mean...wait, where did it go?
Coach Steve: You're seeing things Beast
CNC: Hi Beast
BWB: Colonel
Coach Steve: This is awkward
(Bluebonnetman comes busting into the front door out-of-breath)
Blue: Guys, guys!! I almost forgot roll!!
BWB: {giving Blue an odd look} Um...your name is at the top of the chalk board Blue
Blue: Fuck yeah Bitch! Um.....I meant Fudge yeah Man!
(Just then Reddog pokes his head into the hallway from the kitchen)
Reddog: Guys, when does this shit get better?
CNC: The minute you grow up and sound off like you gotta pair sailor!!
Coach Steve: There you go with the sailor thing again!
CNC: I meant soldier!
BWB: Sure you did
(Tstahr and Dethan come down the staircase shaking their heads)
Tstahr: It's pretty bad up there fellas
Dethan: Yea. It's pretty feckin bad brothah
Coach Steve: How bad?
Dethan: Bunch of feckin blow up dolls and shit, fecking weird
CNC: We know gmann loves his blow up dolls!
(Everyone freezes awkwardly and stares at CNC)
CNC: Oh, he he, that's what I've heard, he he
Tstahr: That's not the worst part
Coach Steve: Oh shit what?
Tstahr: Well there are 4 blowup dolls, and it looks like all of them were eating buffalo wings....

(A collective "awwwwwwww" is heard from the quitters on the first floor as Texasjack comes running down the stairs holding his hand over his mouth and quickly runs into the hall bathroom. The group disperses as the sound of vomiting and heaving can be heard on the first floor of the glass house of April....)

[cbird65]

Today's installment of the Narrative Series is the first in what has become known as the "Moustache Ride" series. We have a special member in the April group that goes by the name of Auburn. He likes to beat his pork sword frequently which quickly became a problem in a glass house. When Auburn started advertising free moustache rides the group decided to take action. Originally posted on March 21, 2012.


(Coach Steve and several other members of the glass house of April are hanging out in the living room talking about how to ask Auburn to stop beating the pork sword in the open and giving free moustache rides to gmann)

Tstahr: Seriously guys, I can't take this shit anymore
Coach Steve: Look, we just need to level with him and ask him to use the shower curtains we bought for his room
Crockett: Fuck that. We already asked like 5 times
(Everyone goes silent as the front door slams and they all hear footsteps in the hallway and turn to see Hipster standing in the doorway)
BWB: Sup Hip?
Dethan: Yeah how's it goin der Hip?
Hipster: {avoiding eye contact} Hi
(Silence in the room.....Hipster eventually walks upstairs to his room)
Dethan: Does he always do that?
BWB: Yeah
Dethan: Feckin A
Tstahr: Anyways, about the exposed pork sword...
Crockett: And the moustache rides! That shit is out of control
BWB: I agree. The gheyness in this house has reached a critical level
Tstahr: Why do you always talk like you're at a power plant?
BWB: What do mean? I'm at all systems go!
Tstahr: That's what I mean
BWB: Whatever
Tstahr: I'm serious, we can't just have gmann hanging around here whenever he wants
Dethan: Maybe its time to ask him take down the feckin huge sign hanging out his window that says "Free Moustache Rides"?
Coach Steve: I have noticed a lot of quitters walking by the house lately. Didn't know we were advertising moustache rides
BWB: I think sometimes they come to watch him beat the pork sword
(Dr Vadge pokes his head in from the kitchen)
Vadge: I saw the Nic whore peaking in the windows last night
Dethan: I thought that was your motha!
Vadge: That's fucked up dude
Dethan: That's what she said! Ha!
Crockett: That doesn't even make sense
Dethan: You know what Crockett? I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind.....
(Right at that moment jjprice comes running down the stairs with his weight belt still around his waist. He is out of breath and pale in the face...as if he'd seen a ghost)
jjprice: Guys I saw him! I swear it was him!!
Tstahr: You been working out too hard again jj?
jjprice: I swear to you! I saw his face!
Coach Steve: You saw who's face?
(jjprice pauses, looks over Coach Steve's shoulder, and points to the picture hanging above the glass fireplace)
jjprice: {whispering} twoscore......
BWB: That's impossible
jjprice: It was him, I know it
Tstahr: Couldn't have been him. He's no longer with us
Dethan: You must have been mistaken
jjprice: You guys think I'm crazy don't you?
Crockett: Well...yes. That and I think you're a sorry little bitch
jjprice: Fuck you guys. You'll see
(jjprice punches the wall and runs outside)
Dethan: You guys think he's for real?
Crockett: Fuck ghosts! They don't exist
BWB: I don't know man. I've noticed some pretty strange things happening down at the live chat house lately
Coach Steve: I've seen it too Beast. They call it the "Hatethebear" The Elders say its the spirit of twoscore
Dethan: Feckin creepy. Wicked Pissa
Tstahr: I've seen it too
Dethan: Here?
Tstahr: Yeah. Upstairs. I didn't want to say anything, figured you guys would think I'm crazy.....

(The room falls silent as the quitters in the glass house of April exchange cautious glances and look upon the picture of twoscore now hanging crooked above the glass fireplace........)

We gotta call the Ghost Busters!!
Always entertaining -
thanks for the quit-aid

[Coach Steve]

Today's installment of the Narrative Series is the first in what has become known as the "Moustache Ride" series. We have a special member in the April group that goes by the name of Auburn. He likes to beat his pork sword frequently which quickly became a problem in a glass house. When Auburn started advertising free moustache rides the group decided to take action. Originally posted on March 21, 2012.


(Coach Steve and several other members of the glass house of April are hanging out in the living room talking about how to ask Auburn to stop beating the pork sword in the open and giving free moustache rides to gmann)

Tstahr: Seriously guys, I can't take this shit anymore
Coach Steve: Look, we just need to level with him and ask him to use the shower curtains we bought for his room
Crockett: Fuck that. We already asked like 5 times
(Everyone goes silent as the front door slams and they all hear footsteps in the hallway and turn to see Hipster standing in the doorway)
BWB: Sup Hip?
Dethan: Yeah how's it goin der Hip?
Hipster: {avoiding eye contact} Hi
(Silence in the room.....Hipster eventually walks upstairs to his room)
Dethan: Does he always do that?
BWB: Yeah
Dethan: Feckin A
Tstahr: Anyways, about the exposed pork sword...
Crockett: And the moustache rides! That shit is out of control
BWB: I agree. The gheyness in this house has reached a critical level
Tstahr: Why do you always talk like you're at a power plant?
BWB: What do mean? I'm at all systems go!
Tstahr: That's what I mean
BWB: Whatever
Tstahr: I'm serious, we can't just have gmann hanging around here whenever he wants
Dethan: Maybe its time to ask him take down the feckin huge sign hanging out his window that says "Free Moustache Rides"?
Coach Steve: I have noticed a lot of quitters walking by the house lately. Didn't know we were advertising moustache rides
BWB: I think sometimes they come to watch him beat the pork sword
(Dr Vadge pokes his head in from the kitchen)
Vadge: I saw the Nic whore peaking in the windows last night
Dethan: I thought that was your motha!
Vadge: That's fucked up dude
Dethan: That's what she said! Ha!
Crockett: That doesn't even make sense
Dethan: You know what Crockett? I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind.....
(Right at that moment jjprice comes running down the stairs with his weight belt still around his waist. He is out of breath and pale in the face...as if he'd seen a ghost)
jjprice: Guys I saw him! I swear it was him!!
Tstahr: You been working out too hard again jj?
jjprice: I swear to you! I saw his face!
Coach Steve: You saw who's face?
(jjprice pauses, looks over Coach Steve's shoulder, and points to the picture hanging above the glass fireplace)
jjprice: {whispering} twoscore......
BWB: That's impossible
jjprice: It was him, I know it
Tstahr: Couldn't have been him. He's no longer with us
Dethan: You must have been mistaken
jjprice: You guys think I'm crazy don't you?
Crockett: Well...yes. That and I think you're a sorry little bitch
jjprice: Fuck you guys. You'll see
(jjprice punches the wall and runs outside)
Dethan: You guys think he's for real?
Crockett: Fuck ghosts! They don't exist
BWB: I don't know man. I've noticed some pretty strange things happening down at the live chat house lately
Coach Steve: I've seen it too Beast. They call it the "Hatethebear" The Elders say its the spirit of twoscore
Dethan: Feckin creepy. Wicked Pissa
Tstahr: I've seen it too
Dethan: Here?
Tstahr: Yeah. Upstairs. I didn't want to say anything, figured you guys would think I'm crazy.....

(The room falls silent as the quitters in the glass house of April exchange cautious glances and look upon the picture of twoscore now hanging crooked above the glass fireplace........)