I should have posted an introduction back in the beginning of 2013. I showed up on KTC on January 1st, 2013 and posted my first roll. That turned into a 150-day quit, the best I'd ever accomplished. This was my short intro from my HOF class page:
I wanted to post roll call first to make sure I had that straight. Now I'd like to formally introduce myself. My name is Mike, I'm 31 years old and I've been dipping since the very first day of college 13 years ago. Started off as a constant dipper (thanks to the Skoal rep who gave our fraternity boxes of free Skoal!) and have only gotten worse. Like most of you guys, I have tried quitting multiple times in the past, the longest quit lasting about 3 months. This is the first time I've ever come across this site and all I can say is THANK GOD! I know from previous experience what I'll be going through in the next days and weeks, but I already feel better knowing that I will have this resource for support, and I can't wait to...no, no, no...one day at a time. I'm not even going to worry about 100 days from now, not at this moment.
Thank you all for being here for me and the rest of us quitters. Here's to one day nicotine free!
I stopped showing up on KTC sometime last summer. I haven't gone back yet to find my last post, but I should do that. I stopped for a number of reasons. At least, I told myself plenty of reasons not to worry about coming here. Let's see: life is really busy right now, its summer and we have lots to do, I haven't dipped in 6 months I'm sure I'm good now, etc.
Here's where I found out what I'm sure a majority of people on here already know. I found out that I'm never going to stop being an addict. I'm never going to not be addicted to nicotine.
The Nic started creeping back into my life in a very inconspicuous manner. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that would be shocked by this revelation. We took a weekend trip to visit my wife's aunt and uncle. Her uncle likes to enjoy a cigar on occasion. Being a classy guy, he offered me one one night as we enjoyed a beer outside. I really didn't even think twice about it. Why would I? I was quit! I hadn't had any tobacco in 6 months! Plus, cigars barely have any nicotine in them anyway! This was not a big deal. However, it was during that same trip that I noticed his can of Skoal Wintergreen sitting on his desk. This time, The Nic whispered in my ear that I was on vacation. I might as well enjoy myself. Plus, I had already smoked a cigar, so I was kinda off the wagon. I might as well enjoy the weekend, and then get back with it on Monday.
By the end of summer, I was back up to a couple cans a week. I did not rush right back here. I can't quite put my finger on why. I'm sure shame and embarrassment played at least a small role. I had also convinced myself that dipping wasn't all that bad. Sure, I would eventually try to quit again, but why rush?
Typing this now, I can't believe how stupid I was. I think we as humans really do have a tough time seeing what is best for ourselves in the distant future. I'm pissed at myself for giving up what I had worked to earn last year. I let myself forget how hard 100 days was. Right now I'm on day 4. I remember how hard it is now. If I could somehow record this feeling and let myself have a little taste of it any time I want a dip, I think I could stay clean forever. I hope that this intro page will become that recording for me.
Right now, I'm having trouble sleeping. I wake up multiple times a night in a sweat, I have waking dreams, lucid dreams, whatever you want to call it. These dreams make it hard to get restful sleep. I'm cranky during the day. I have no wind in my sails. Seems like I used to dip during any and every activity, essentially making my entire life one giant trigger. All I want to do is sit on the couch and zone out, because thinking of doing anything else makes me want to have a dip.
Future me, if you come back to read this, trust me. This sucks! This is not fun to go through, and what tiny amount of pleasure you may get from having a dip is not worth going through this. Here's to all the quitters here, may we all have had our last taste of The Nic.
