I've felt like complete shit the past two days. Still do today. Like the Balkan crud, mixed with the flu and a hangover. I know it's just the Nic Bitch's way of trying to draw me in. How she will ease my pain, just like I thought she was doing for the past 17 years, all the while she was really just trying to control me.
I never really thought about the control this drug had/trys to still have, over me. I was an open dipper, in fact my wife didn't like my last attempt at quit probably 13 or 14 years ago so much, that she never pressured me again. I worked mainly outside until towards the end of my career, and then I have my own "mystical mess" and office that I dipped in, against government rules. Looking back now though, she controlled so many things. I couldn't get a boat underway without her. Any high-risk evolution, she was there beside me. I didn't think much about it at the time, but everytime I looked away for a second to spit, she was controlling my SA and compromising the safety of the evolution. Thank God she never did, but she increased a risky business.
I spent a huge amount of money on her, and she never gave me anything real in return. She gave me the facade of a calming influence, but that's all it was, a facade. I've mentioned that I have PTSD. It's pretty severe, but I've worked my ass off the past 19 months since I finally sought help. I've learned that I provide calm by controlling my breathing, pausing my thoughts, working on physical cues that relate to mental images I've prepared, all kinds of pysch-babble kumbaha shit. And just like with that, I've taken what works for me and put it on the top shelf of my tool box, the rest I put down low. I don't throw it away because it might have value later, or I can adapt it. That's how I feel about this site. I'm not big on the, what seems to me, false bravado of in your face that many people have. To me, it seems like the bs of any course, class, CCTI, SLC that I've been through in the past. But, maybe it works for others, so I put that down on the bottom shelf and don't let it interfer with my Quit. I think some people are over the top on the quitting nicotine is the most important thing in life part, and that death is only a $5 can away. I've never had the hint of a scare, my dentist never made note of my dipping, even at 2 cans a day. Good genes I guess, but quitting nicotine isn't the most important thing to me. I battle minute by minute with my demons. I've been at the immediate point of death from my PTSD. I've driven off into the ice, I've had the metal in my mouth, that is why I constantly stand on guard that I don't fall into the downward spiral that I've been in before. It takes constant watch, vigilance, dedication for me to survive in the life that I'm trying to create for me. Added to the daily pain from failed surgeries, burnt nerves and other things, quiting the nic bitch isn't the most immediately important thing in my life. My quit is something that I want to do. I had the perfect opportunity with retirement changing my environment, added to having a solid set of coping skills and one morning of realizing I didn't enjoy it anymore equaled quit. Now, I think about how much she controlled my life and I hate her for her deception. I've got a solid group of guys, and gal, in my group, on my team and I quit with them out of loyalty. My team are my Brothers, and I will do anything for my Brothers. At roll call, I give my word that I won't use nicotine for that day, and my word is solid, it's everything to me. I know I can do anything for a day. Those are the tools that I put on my top shelf, breathing exercises, my quit group and roll call. They help get me through the day, and I try to give back to them just as much.
This got kind of rambling, but it's my thoughts of my quit to look back on. To remember the tools that work for me. I'm not knocking anyone else's thoughts or methods, just for me to remember down the road or when I start swerving. Whatever works for the Quit, besides heroin and adultery, I'm good with, because this bitch is strong.
I don't ever have to feel the physical illness I feel right now ever again. Every day I get further away from the destructive relationship with the Nic Bitch.
Tom
