I was in a quit group earlier this year and well, it was a complete disaster. I wanted it so bad. But right off the bat, a few days into it, I caved. Then a few weeks later, I ended up asked my quit group to just drop me all together. I was still quit at this point. They put up a fight, but I had made up my mind. Amazing guys. I've read their HoF letters today. Could have been me...
This all happened prior to and during the course of my short quit, my life and company all crashed down around me. I regretted having to do this. But no one would understand unless you have had to ride a large company down in flames. To be blunt, it got so bad that my quit was no longer a priority - couldn't be. A quit takes everything, and I no longer had that to give. I simply couldn't handle the demands of both. I was infuriated when someone said I was a " half-assed quit". I gave it my all and tried so hard. I said, believed, and tried, to do the right things throughout all that, but in the end, my efforts went down in flames too. Anyway, in time and on my own with this, I did cave, along with everything else. I'd have never started a quit had I known what was coming.
So, why am I here now boring you with all this?
I refuse to give up and surrender to this. Realizing I probably burned the KTC bridge, I looked elsewhere at other sites and tried other ways of quitting and well - they just don't work. Chalk up more bodily abuse. So last week I reached out to someone from KTC who told me back then, that when I was ready, to look him up. So I did. We spoke for a while and he urged me to man-up and face the music and get back here to KTC, because this is really the only way to actually quit, and I do believe that. He advised me to post an Intro.
It's been a week since he told me to do that. I delayed because I had to understand this and looking at what I did and what happened and how I handled it. I've read my posts from back then and see the right words being said, but wrong actions. Its so FUBAR, I almost didn't do this and gave up. Its so frustrating because I know this is the how to do it, and I've blown it.
As I've wrestled with all this, what finally dawned on me was, what if life hadn't of collapsed and I had made it the first time and celebrated my 100th day... What happens 5 years from now when life punches me in the face hard enough? The same thing, I'd probably cave out of necessity or some other "good reason".
I'd cave because I had stopped but wasn't truly quit. I'm still recovering from that disaster, and this is VERY difficult to say, but yeah, that one terrible thing that justified any drastic action, in light of being an addict, WAS an excuse. I chose to not reach out when it got bad because it was all intensely personal. But that sort of cut my own throat. I didn't handle this well, who is prepared for that? I pray I never go through that again. But the problem wasn't what happened, it was me and this quit. My quit was a needless loss amongst all my losses. The Kodiak Bear made my symptoms go away to get through all that - but now has a new lease on my soul. What I've realized is, on Day 1 or Day 5,250, you are either quit or you aren't. It's not a work in progress. Oh I was quit (stopped) but when total chaos, meltdown, fear and panic set in, all bets were off. When, not if, "something" happens, my frame of reference is critical. How you handle that worst-case thing all depends on if I have quit, or just stopped. All this rocked my marriage, but I didn't bail on my wife. We made it through because my reference was; I made a vow to her. It wasn't up for debate or conditional. And here we are - stronger. With dipping, here I am, weaker. I lost big-time.
Quitting was a verb to me, something you are doing and working on really hard and it has its good days and bad. I was quitting hard as I could, which means the quit is subject to how things are. But it's really a noun - that specific point where it ends - without exception. I'm an intelligent guy, but I feel like an idiot just now understanding this, especially as one who should know better. Maybe everyone else got that on day one, I didn't. The pathetic realization is, all that horrible nastiness was in fact, excuses. My previous quit wasn't half-assed - it was total ass. Doomed on day 1. I had no business being in any KTC group.
This is no joy to come here and write this, it's embarrassing and humiliating, and just stirs up reminders of the worst days in my life. But I don't care, I'm not going to roll over and give Kodiak the next few decades too. I'm dead serious and pissed off. Along with everything else I lost, I also lost precious ground I had won over nicotine, which means it gets to rip my body apart AGAIN as I start withdrawals over. Which also pisses me off and I hate that.
I may be a retread, but honestly, it's my first time to QUIT - Noun. I QUIT last night at 9PM - No more excuses, good reasons, retreads, or dropouts. If my face gets kicked in again, it doesn't change that fact I am finally Quit. What am I doing about it? I had the disgusting joy of sharing my addiction with my employees and asked them to help and protect me while I was mentally checked out, hanging out in addicts chatrooms, straining and fogged up. That covers that excuse. That leaves me with finding a group who knows this beast and will remind me often of my Quit, the noun. I need you more than you need me. So I ask if I can be a part of KTC again, dedicated with the right reference this time. If you'd prefer I leave, I respect that and will be on my way. Thanks for enduring this long post.
