The second sunday morning, what a head game. I feel myself losing the mental game, so thought I better get in here. Chat was dead, no good recent posts, so I'm going to talk to myself. Just seems like a constant back and forth between nic screaming that just one won't hurt and my vow to not use to my wife, my group and before God. I just keep going to back to 9PM october 16 - where I quit. My quit is so noble and good, its amazing that there is even any debate or war. And thats where I think nic wins so many times. It'll make us lie to those we love, and certainly in our own heads. I guess thats the ultimate struggle in here and with nic. People often say, "you made a vow", you gave "your word". Well by definition, as addicts, isn't our word pretty much trash already? If we can lie to our spouses, family and friends for decades, do you really think our word to strangers in a quit group has much power? Thats why I think the radical in-your-face extreme quitting is the ONLY way out. Drinking the KTC koolaid isn't an option, its radical and extreme enough to overcome an addicts ability to lie, cheat and steal, even from ourselves. The odds are stacked against us.
Friday was unique, I met and had lunch with a KTC member. The hour and half went by in seconds. Fascinating to meet a quitter. So much of what we say and do here, only belongs here, QLF doesn't mean a lot offline. So meeting someone from here was special because we both knew what QLF and ODAAT meant. Interesting guy and like so many others here, he wanted to get involved and do anything he could help my quit. When people do that in text its one thing when they stand in your face and offer that, its humbling beyond words.
I really like the January Group I'm in but I don't remember there being so many cavers in previous groups. Just seems like every day this past week, poof, another cave. Theres always 1 or 2 per group, but we got 8 per week. Its funny, part of me is sick and tired of the weak excuses and plain ole guys not really even trying. But then, I was one of them, so who am I to judge. But at the same time, seeing so many cavers makes me want to up my game and "not be one of them". Its already a scarlet letter to me, so by helping others be successful after caving, maybe we can take this weakness and actually finish strong, or stronger than those who didn't cave.
I now post roll in my old June Group because I was asked to. It was an odd experience, to post in there. A place I'd left. The June boys certainly showed up and bashed me when i came back here. What really shows their class, is they are now my supporters. If there is anyone who should and could write me off forever, its those guys. The real turning point for me was a post by Bronc, not just bashing or focussed on my failure, the ultimate goal of his rant was if I'd be around for my wife, my kids, etc. How can you disagree with that pure motive. I read this morning about someone bashing Bronc for being a "nazi". I know he is far from that, but he is intense. So is our enemy. Anything less than 110% intense will fail. Don't we all know this by now?
Thats enough rambling for now. Time to eat lunch and start another 4-hour battle in my head of why just-one is unacceptable. I am nervous and doubt my success at times, but that line is drawn and I am quit. So I know its just a matter of time until I can breath or live for 30 seconds without a dip being the center of the world. I just keep picturing a can of poison, and how stupid it is, to long for and want poison that bad. Nic has lost this soul, it just doesn't know yet.
