Yesterday was my last first day.
For the last 10 years I have been an addict. I'm not sure when I realized that I was, but it was not 10 years ago, it was not even 5 years ago. Once I realized that I was an addict, it was way tougher to want to stop. How can an addict win, right? I feel like a lonely addict too. I'm in NYC and don't know of anyone that dips, but the bodegas and street stands carry the cr*p (heaven forbid they run out of my Skoal Pouches), so someone must. Many times when I was in the depths of despair and self loathing the Joan Jett song would play in my head and I would hear, "I hate myself for loving you. I can't break free from the things that you do. I want to walk, but I run back to you, I hate my self for loving you." It is scary how much of my life has been taken away from me.
I started with Skoal Mint for several years, but things really went downhill two years ago when I started using the pouches. I thought that it would be way better for me because it seemed a step less disgusting, but boy was I wrong. Instead of only dipping in the evening and on weekends, I could now do it all day at my desk which is right between two other guys who I imagine (maybe fool myself into thinking) have no idea that I am consumed with the nic b*tch. I was going through almost a tin every day and a half. I have stopped several times before ranging in length from a day to a couple of months. I know all about the triggers and how fast I can cave. Every time I quit and then started again, it was harder to quit in the future. The last several times I quit I felt that it is now or never. I hadn't thought of quitting in probably a year. It is like I had given up.
My wife smelled it on my breath again on Sunday. She is so hurt that it hurts me. I hate hurting her even if I don't seem to care about hurting myself.
I say now: "This is over."
I am quitting because I want to.
I am tired of lying to my wife and not kissing her or speaking too close to her because I am afraid that she will smell it on me and be angry. I am tired of finishing a thought when we are talking and imagining her response will be, "Did you have a dip today?" I am tired of lying to her. A Dip? A DIP? If only you knew. It makes me feel so isolated and I am tired of it. I want to want to kiss her and talk to her like a husband and wife do.
I am quitting because I now have a hemorrhoid (for the second time). I know quitting won't prevent this, but not quitting will keep me in the can and keep producing ass pain.
I am quitting because I always said I would and now is the time. It is time to man up. I've got a son on the way in November and I want to see him grow old. I will no longer be me, I will be someone's dad and I want that someone to have a dad.
I am quitting because F*CK THIS S#IT! I don't have to be a victim of my own bad decisions anymore.
I believe that I am quit because I found this site. Over the last two days I have read the support offered and the tales of horror and heartbreak. I want and believe in that support and I don't want to be one of the sad stories. I am crying as I write this because I feel your support. I haven't even done anything on this board except post roll for two days and I already feel like I am a stronger person for being here.
