Didnt post yesterday in this thread just posted roll. Got a lot of shit happening right now. Its day 7 today and I am proud to say I have stayed quit and posted roll 100%. I had a couple good craves yesterday. Getting ready to do some lawn work and organize my garage. These kinds of projects are something I associate with dipping. Everytime I go to the gas station I stare down my weakness and I feel just how easy it would be to cave. A few weak words and a shameful swipe of my debit card, one moment of weakness is all it takes. If I let my guard down for a minute I become my own saboteur. Thats fine, I will own my weaknesses and in doing so I find a strength even greater. I dont like the feeling of not trusting myself, its a terrible feeling. All us addicts have a duality inside. The rational and the irrational, light/dark, whatever you label it as it is there. For years the rational part of myself lived as a slave to the whims of the irrational. That rational part of myself was beat down and became submissive to the irrational. I gave into addictions that I knew were terrible, I lied to people I never thought I would lie to, and I felt I had lost control. I was wrong. I might had given up my I was always in control. I see that now and it pisses me off. I poisoned myself, I allowed chemicals to overthrow my intellect. NO MORE!! I see things clearly now and I refuse to be a slave, my intellect is the only thing that makes me human, if I give that up I might as well be an animal. Nicotine isnt the first addiction I have fought but it has taught me the most about myself. Nicotine is but one battle in by quest to conquer myself and thanks to this site I have been able to hold myself accountable, learn from others, and reflect and gain insight about myself. When I look back at my past without the fog of addiction im disgusted by what I see. Its that anger that will fuel my strength. I am done being a slave to addiction, but its not that simple. As strong as I am today I cannot speak for tomorrow. Thats the trap. Today I feel like I will never use again and I am 100% certain of that, but im not foolish enough to let that take my guard down. I have to decide what I do tomorrow when it comes, and everyday that I quit the rational side of me gets stronger and keeps the irrational in check. It will get easier I am sure but it will never be over. Today is the end of week one. "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha)
