A couple weeks ago I had to go get a flu shot. I'ts my first one in my entire life. I'm not a giant fan of vaccines and I feel like the less you have the better. But I had to get one this year. It's the only way I can go spend any length of time with my Mom.
A month ago, my Mom was diagnosed with Squamous-cell carcinoma, one of the common smokeless tobacco cancers. They found it in the base of her tongue. She's never dipped and stopped smoking 30 years ago. Her's has a different, non-preventable cause. Last week, I sat with her as she had her first chemo treatment and waited as she had her first radiation treatment. She goes to radiation 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks, having both side of her throat pummeled with it. Driving her home from one on Monday, she needed me to pull over so she could throw up. I then comforted her, on the side of road, as she cried because of how badly it burned to vomit.
In a week or two, as her hair starts to fall out, she'll be on a feeding tube exclusively, no longer able to swallow or produce saliva. Speaking will be too painful too, the doctors said, so she'll spend the remaining months not able to verbally communicate with us. She didn't chose this. No one told her there was a high chance of this happening to her. No one told her how to prevent it.
I've lied to her for years regarding my addiction. It was easier than getting a lecture from her for the 100th time. I've lied to GFs and my ex-wife, employers and friends. Somehow, I've managed to lie to myself for 10 years. "those pictures you see and stories you read could never be me."
Today, I quit for myself, first and foremost. But, I quit for my Mom, and the rest of my family and friends. How could I ask them to support and endure with me, if I were in her shoes, all the while knowing I had willingly brought it on myself. I won't force the people I love to watch me go through something I can prevent.
This is my quit.
-Charles
