Here I am appraoching day 25 of my third and most succesful quit. This is finally the quit I've been looking for and I thank all my buds in Dec 2010 and everyone else that has helped me thus far. I have #'s, I have plans for several occassions, and I can't believe how good I feel abou this quit. I have plans for a thorough description of month # 1, but I've had something on my mind for a lot of years and since I've finally started fighting the nic bitch, I felt it was time to come clean on somethin else.
I firmly believe that all things happen for a reason. Even in the fact that I've killed myself for 20+ years by putting carcinogens in my mouth. I don't know right now what this reason is, but I'm sure I'll come across it some day.
For years I've thought about a transgression or series of transgressions that I committed a long time ago. It's not huge by any means, but to me very uncharacteristic. I dated a girl in college and we dated a long time, nearly 5 yrs. I "strayed" a couple of times for whatever stupid reason that was going through my hormonal body. After each one, I sad to myself, dude you're a fuckup, look what you have, you're throwing it away. She took me back each time, why I don't know, but for whatever reason this girl loved me. We had a nice long stretch, and I came to the realization that I loved this girl too, knew it for a long time and thought it was time to make the big decision. It seemed easy at the time, she was just about done with her first degree, I was well into grad school. Well after a little bit, i got scared. Called it off. Called it all off, her included. gotta go. We moved on, occassionally we'd talk. She was the first person I called when I got my girlfriend pregnant in 1994. Holy shit, talk about scared. I still don't know why she even talked to me.
We drifted more and I havent spoke with her since that time I told her about the baby. As I mentioned I believe that things happen for a reason and I know there's a reason why she and I didn't work out. My life right now is as rich as I could ever imagine. I have two beautiful daughters, a beautiful wife, etc, etc. The trials and tribulations I've gone through have lead me to where I am and made me who I am. I'm not pining for my lost love or wishing to see her one last time. My issue is that I have never treated anyone like that in my life. Blame it on being young, immature, growing up, part of life. Sure I can buy that, but for some reason I've thought about this for a long time. In life you should regret very, very few things. My strongest regret was that I never said that I was sorry.
This may or may not be related to the nic bitch. I think by kicking her ass for 25 days, my mind has had the clarity to really get these thoughts together and organized, so I thought I'd write them down and put it to rest. I feel better that I've said my peace.
Stay quit bros
